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Feeling okay about being 'different'

brookegaf

Active Member
Hey guys,
I've been struggling with this for awhile now and was wondering if anyone could share some advice on how to cope with feelings of isolation.

I just can't seem to shake the sadness I get when I'm in a crowd or can observe others and realise that I'll never be like them and just can't relate to them.

It's isolating and saddening for me but I'm looking for a solution and want a quote or an outlook that makes me feel better about being a minority.

Before people even meet me I am now assuming that they just won't like me and will be disintrested as soon as they get to know me.

I want to change this outlook but am struggling to find how.

Any advice?
 
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I have found that people with 'disorders' and such are always more interesting than 'normal' people, maybe a lot of people can't be bothered to understand us but that's their loss. I have a difficult time getting close to people generally, but I see that as me having a good friend filter. Those who can be bothered are the ones worth knowing, and you won't have to waste your time with the ones who can't. They'll go away for you. People aren't all so very wonderful, you really don't want to get to know all of them. If you're posting in here, someone will find you interesting for sure.
 
brookegaf,
you are different but you are not incapable of doing things NTs do,you just do it differently.
for example,actual in person socialisation may be hard so going to a aspie social or support group or spending time on ASD forums making friends is what autists do for socialising.
ive personally met three NT parents of autistic children/autistic friends from online autism groups on facebook,its much better as you can choose better who you will relate to online and get used to each other without the stress of meeting each other first but you cant do that if you were to choose friends on the street/in person.

you need to come to terms with your [im assuming] aspergers/level 1 label,its much harder for people who have only found out their diagnosis as a teen/adult because for you guys youve been trying to keep up with NTs your whole life and now suddenly you have a label that says your not NT.
some people find counciling helps with this.

however,being autistic and neuro diverse just means your different,your not inferior your brain just runs on a different operating system to the rest of the masses.
autistic thinking gives people a different perspective on the world and it means you can help the human clones on this earth think differently for a change. you are different and that is normal for you,that is worth a celebration from my view.
 
I sincerely wish I could say the magic ingredient that will make you feel better, but sadly, I am like that, even at my horrible age of 47. I feel so sad when in a crowd and very, very lonely, because I just do not fit in and that is despite knowing why now.

I give myself little permissions of not feeling so inferior, but I have to be in the right frame of mind to do so and it is not often.

It is an awful feeling looking on and never being able to be a part of it.

Not all doom and gloom though, because I know of many aspies who really do prefer to be on their own and have no issue just watching others interact.
 
Oh just something came to my mind.

Try getting to know other aspies. Because I am in contact with a couple of aspies and one I have video chat with on skype and amazingly, feel comfortable talking and see clearly she is as shy as I am and see many traits that I have and when I describe a situation that causes me a meltdown, she will nod her head in sympathy. We both agree that NT's are hard going and so, I do wonder if I were in a room full of aspies, I actually think I would feel accepted, which is a brand new concept for me.
 
I relate to this a lot. I wish I had some really good advice, but tbh I don't. The only thing I've found to help me is surrounding myself with people who treat me like they treat everybody else. This is difficult though since it's very difficult for me to connect with others. Also, I still feel isolated as soon as I'm with other people, so... Yeah don't really have advice but just wanted to say that I relate <3
 
I agree. Some of my favorite customers in my carpet cleaning business are aspies. There are at least three that I can talk to all day just like I have known them all my life. Aspies tend to understand other aspies and from my experience get along great. You just have to break the ice at first and let them know you are open to getting to know them. Ask them about their lives, be interested in them and be willing to open up.
 
I don't know that what I think will be helpful.
I have not had a feeling that I am different.
I know that people differ from each other.

As far as feeling that I am different, in the sense of
"wrong"/mismade/incorrect/not fitting in....
that is not how I experience myself.

I am me.
Other people aren't me.
That is all there is to the difference.
 
Me too. That I can relate, but have no solutions to this. I'm afraid that in my own case, I've carried that sort of feeling most of my life.

As if I was always on the outside looking in. With a nebulous feeling that I didn't belong. Which likely made it more difficult to reach out and connect with most people. Though it's worth adding that for nearly my entire life I never understood why, until I stumbled onto my own autism.

Self-awareness hasn't changed feeling like the "ultimate outsider" but it's comforting to know why and that we are not alone.
 
I can relate, for sure. I used to feel like that a lot: always observing other people interacting, never feeling able to join in. I learned a lot from observing, enough to allow me to mask and socialise with some people some of the time, but it's always been very tiring and stressful.

Now I've realised a few things:

  • I'm much more comfortable being the observer - I'll never, ever feel comfortable socialising in a group, however good I am at masking
  • most people are actually pretty dull, partly because they try so desperately to conform to everyone else's expectations that they lose any interesting bits of personality they may have had. So I don't really want to socialise with them
  • most conversations in groups are quite superficial and leave me feeling totally unsatisfied
  • we have (in my experience, anyway) an unusual ability to connect with some other people - most often either other non-NTs or NTs with non-NT characteristics. We are direct, we're unable to play the usual social games and do the usual conversational "dancing around each other" chitchat, and we often experience more intense emotions than NTs. This means we're able to form some really deep connections with at least a few people, which (I think) more than makes up for not being able to socialise.
You are different in some important ways from the majority. But that's a good thing!! Find others who you can connect with, and don't worry about the majority of people.
 
I always had this feeling....but then sometimes would imagine, oh, I made a connection! Only to realize later, to my confusion, that I hadn't.....thought it was bad luck, or the others were jerks, until I figured out I was an Aspie....it started making more sense.....it made things more intimidating in a way....yet, I also have realized and admitted to myself that, actually.....though I might like observing people the way I like observing animals, I actually DON'T like socializing with them very much! I often don't want to go out with them, and I have allowed myself permission to not socialize much at all now.....but I do sometimes struggle with how people seem to think I am snobby and hurtful because of this. They have no idea how much stress it causes me to be with them, even if I do like them as people. I don't know how to explain that to them without insulting them - but also, I don't want to explain because I hate being misunderstood, and I think most people simply won't really get it - and may make even worse judgements. Right now, I seem to be a mysterious snob, or flakey. But people have terribly ignorant ideas about Aspergers, and I don't feel like dealing with that additional prejudice. Well, in my case, most of the folks I'm thinking about are in a community, and communities talk, and then people you don't even like end up thinking stuff about you.

Well, I'm sorry because I"m not being helpful in giving advice.....I have heard/read sometimes that most people (read: NTs) are all isolated/lonely at their core, but try to constantly escape it through socializing and everything else that they do. Perhaps not just an Aspie thing - worsened for us in a way, but maybe an existential thing for everyone, they are just better at faking or bandaging. My personal belief is that as Aspies who are confronted more intensely with this inner isolation, we are just closer to this inner reality/truth, but that all depends on your spiritual/philosophical beliefs, so I'm not trying to tell others what to think. But one idea that I thought was really cool was this: that the emptiness we sense at our core (those of us whose lives aren't so full of other people and distractions that we don't notice) is simply the nothingness out of which we were created. I think for people who do have a spiritual bent, this awareness can be fruitful ground.
 

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