Feeling Ignored by Boyfriend with Asperger's

[orangethrill]

I've been with my boyfriend for a little over a year now. Everything was great for the first 6 months or so, but since we've kind of relaxed and the honeymoon phase is over, I've felt like he has really pulled away from me a lot. I understand that he has obsessions (I do too!), but despite having talks with him about us spending more time together, nothing has changed.

When he wakes up, he normally jumps right onto the computer and is busy playing video games almost the entire day. At some point, he might spend an hour or so with me, watching a TV show or movie, but the rest of the day, he is glued to his laptop for 8+ hours. I try to be understanding, because I realize that video games are a way for him to escape when he's really stressed (which he always is) and that he can't help having obsessions, but I'm starting to feel lonely and resentful.

Even our sex life has dwindled. We used to do all kinds of stuff and explored a lot of fetishes and things we had. Now it feels kind of one-sided. He wants me to take charge, but most of the time is unable to give back when I'm not in the mood to be in charge. I hardly have a libido anymore because of this, but get angry when he takes care of himself (which can last for over an hour), because I can't help but think, "What about me?"

I miss when we first started dating and everything was new for us. We used to have a lot of discussions about anything and everything. Now, he says we have nothing to talk about. We used to spend a lot more time together, but now when we do, as soon as it's over, it almost seems like he can't wait to get back to his laptop. I don't feel like a priority anymore. When I bring it up, he says things will change, but after a day or two, everything goes back to the way it was.

I don't know what to do or think. I don't want to be clingy and nag him. I don't even know if my concerns are even valid or not. I know he loves me and cares about my feelings, but I can't shake the feelings of being ignored and unimportant. What can I do?

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I don't believe your concerns are invalid. I don't think it's understood by Aspies just how important social contact is to NT's (especially NT women). Being an NT, if I had a bf or husband that wouldn't take time to be with me or listen to me about anything that's on my mind on a daily basis I don't see a reason to even have a relationship in the first place. It would make me feel isolated, ignored and not important. For an Aspie/NT relationship to work, both partners have to be aware that the other has needs that are total opposite of their needs which means that both are going to have to make sacrifices for the other so the relationship will work. For the Aspie, the NT will have to learn to give them some space and quiet time. For the NT, the Aspie will have to learn how to be present in the moment and try to really listen to their NT - even if its just for a short time. I think with an Aspie/NT relationship there is going to be continuous learning about each other - it can't be just the NT willing to make changes for the Aspie, the Aspie should also be willing to learn what they can do that would make their NT happy. A relationship should be 50-50 give and take. I'm also tired of women being told that they are "nagging or clingy". You're having whatever feelings you're having for a reason and they are valid to you. If your bf cares for you and your emotional well-being, then he should be willing to do whatever he is able to do to rectify the situation to your satisfaction and the same vice versa. If nothing keeps happening, you have to decide if you can live like that or leave.

I need to add something - 8+ hours a day on video games is way too much - how would anything else get done (especially if you had kids)? How can one hold down a job that way? I can see having hobbies, but when a person is obsessed with something that much then they should not expect to have any friendships or relationships - the obsession is their friend/relationship.

 

[orangethrill]

I don't believe your concerns are invalid. I don't think it's understood by Aspies just how important social contact is to NT's (especially NT women). Being an NT, if I had a bf or husband that wouldn't take time to be with me or listen to me about anything that's on my mind on a daily basis I don't see a reason to even have a relationship in the first place. It would make me feel isolated, ignored and not important. For an Aspie/NT relationship to work, both partners have to be aware that the other has needs that are total opposite of their needs which means that both are going to have to make sacrifices for the other so the relationship will work. For the Aspie, the NT will have to learn to give them some space and quiet time. For the NT, the Aspie will have to learn how to be present in the moment and try to really listen to their NT - even if its just for a short time. I think with an Aspie/NT relationship there is going to be continuous learning about each other - it can't be just the NT willing to make changes for the Aspie, the Aspie should also be willing to learn what they can do that would make their NT happy. A relationship should be 50-50 give and take. I'm also tired of women being told that they are "nagging or clingy". You're having whatever feelings you're having for a reason and they are valid to you. If your bf cares for you and your emotional well-being, then he should be willing to do whatever he is able to do to rectify the situation to your satisfaction and the same vice versa. If nothing keeps happening, you have to decide if you can live like that or leave.

I need to add something - 8+ hours a day on video games is way too much - how would anything else get done (especially if you had kids)? How can one hold down a job that way? I can see having hobbies, but when a person is obsessed with something that much then they should not expect to have any friendships or relationships - the obsession is their friend/relationship.

Thank you for your input. My boyfriend and I have always worked hard to try to understand each other since we're so different in some cases. I've tried to learn more and understand his Asperger's and ADHD while he has tried to do the same with my plethora of mental issues (OCD, anxiety, etc.) We've really tried to seek out articles and self-help things so that we learn to do what is best for each other; especially when we need support.

About being naggy and clingy, I only phrased it that way because I have Borderline Personality Disorder, so I actually do come off that way a lot. I can be really needy and irrational, but I've been working on that a lot, because I don't want that to ruin our relationship. I know he needs time to do what he wants, so giving him space has been a priority for me. I'm just not really sure how much space is appropriate and when it's alright to say to him, "I feel like you're not spending enough time with me. It seems abnormal." I'm more inclined to feel like my BPD is making me irrationally clingy than he's actually not spending enough time with me.

At the moment, my boyfriend is in a weird situation, which is why he has so much free time. He is trying to enroll in a different college, but with limited funds and no job at the moment, he's temporarily staying with parents and younger sister. His parents have always been emotionally/physically abusive, so I'm sure you can imagine how stressful it is living under the same roof with them again - even if it's temporary. What's more, they 100% deny that he has Asperger's and ADHD and don't even believe those things exist, so there really isn't any support going on over there.

I do agree though. I think that is way too much time to be spending on one thing. I don't know what to suggest to him about it though, as he lives in a foreign city and doesn't have a lot of opportunities to make friends and meet people. He doesn't even speak the language, so there's that too. All of his friends are online or long-distance/attending schools elsewhere. The only time he leaves his house is to walk to the store 2-3x a week.

Also, I forgot to mention in the original thread that we are long-distance at the moment, though he plans to move back to where I live next year. Maybe that has something to do with him not spending a lot of time with me? It's not like we can go places together, but we try to find things to do online, like watch movies/TV, play some video games together, etc. I've tried to engage him in discussions like we used to have about things (especially things he's into), but he says he can't focus because of his ADHD. In the end, nothing really appeals to him except whatever video game he's currently obsessed with.

 

[Ereth]

I'm more inclined to feel like my BPD is making me irrationally clingy than he's actually not spending enough time with me.

For what it's worth, I don't think you sound irrational at all, BPD or no. You have the right to address your concerns.

His parents have always been emotionally/physically abusive, so I'm sure you can imagine how stressful it is living under the same roof with them again - even if it's temporary. What's more, they 100% deny that he has Asperger's and ADHD and don't even believe those things exist, so there really isn't any support going on over there.

Is he a legal adult? If so, he should try to seek out professional help of some kind. If he can get a doctor on his side, it might help. I realize it's no guarantee that his parents will be any more understanding, but he can at least talk to someone who believes him.

I don't know what to suggest to him about it though, as he lives in a foreign city and doesn't have a lot of opportunities to make friends and meet people. He doesn't even speak the language, so there's that too. All of his friends are online or long-distance/attending schools elsewhere. The only time he leaves his house is to walk to the store 2-3x a week.

He has to make opportunities. If he doesn't speak the local language, it's time for him to get out there and try to pick some up---if only so he can leave the house for things besides grocery shopping.

I've tried to engage him in discussions like we used to have about things (especially things he's into), but he says he can't focus because of his ADHD. In the end, nothing really appeals to him except whatever video game he's currently obsessed with.

I'm . . . not sure how to react to this. Does he make the same claim if he has to speak to anybody else, or just with you? Either way, if he recognizes this is an issue for him, he ought to make an attempt to resolve it.

 

[orangethrill]

For what it's worth, I don't think you sound irrational at all, BPD or no. You have the right to address your concerns.

Is he a legal adult? If so, he should try to seek out professional help of some kind. If he can get a doctor on his side, it might help. I realize it's no guarantee that his parents will be any more understanding, but he can at least talk to someone who believes him.

He has to make opportunities. If he doesn't speak the local language, it's time for him to get out there and try to pick some up---if only so he can leave the house for things besides grocery shopping.

I'm . . . not sure how to react to this. Does he make the same claim if he has to speak to anybody else, or just with you? Either way, if he recognizes this is an issue for him, he ought to make an attempt to resolve it.

Thanks for the advice and support. Sometimes, it's hard for me to tell if what I'm feeling is normal or not, so it's helpful to how advice perspectives.

Yes, he's of legal age, but because he's in a country where he doesn't speak the language and doesn't have citizenship yet, it's difficult for him to go anywhere to get medical help. Plus, with limited funds and unsupportive parents, I don't know how he'd be able to afford to see anyone about his problems. He definitely wants to seek therapy and medication when he comes back home, but at the moment, he's kind of stuck with dealing with things by himself.

I've tried to get him out of the house a little more, but he's really not that great at making friends. It seems like a very "love him or hate him" situation with people, because he doesn't have a lot of social skills and can be kind of in-your-face sometimes. I really don't think I convince him to make friends where he lives now. :/

I've never asked him if it's just me that he feels he has nothing to talk about with, but from what I've observed, it seems like it's only me. When he's gaming all day, most of the time, he's in TeamSpeak, talking to online friends or just talking with new players. I'm starting to wonder if I'm not just boring to him now, though he's reassured me that I'm not.

 

[Peace]

Start at the beginning. What is it that you want in a relationship? It seems pretty clear that it is an intimacy level beyond what he is willing or capable of sharing. He is neither wrong nor bad for the way he behaves, but it is apparent that it is not agreeable with you.
It may not be love that the two of you shared, but a combination of other things like romance, lust, sexual exploration, friendship, and maybe a few other things. None of these will lead to a successful relationship without love. You cannot look for a way to make things better, you can only decide if this relationship is what you really want.
"Things Change, People Don't".

 

[hippygirl111]

Same thing happened to me. I seemed to be doing all the work in the relationship made plans initiated conversation everything. Breakup with him he's not worth it.

 

[aj]

I have the same obsession and spend my weekends and 8 hours a day (on a work day) playing computer games. Since i was a kid games was my life. I don't have a girlfriend which is lucky because what i read in this lobby i understand you might feel ignored or upset which i wouldn't want my girlfriend to feel. Being in this obsession i find i would be lost without it and bored. My mind is always on it. I couldn't give it up because theres nothing else i want to do.

Im don't know if you could cut his hours by one hour every now and then but not strait away. Every month till he gets at least 5 hours a day which is an extra 3 hours for you. Im not good with relationships because what is there to talk about? Thats just wasting my time in my eyes. But if he loves you I'm shore he's whiling to work something out.

I hope you get the treatment you want from your bf. best of luck

 

[Rachel Roth]

There are three important parts to relationships. Communication, communication, and communication

Joking aside, you need to sit down and really talk with him about your needs not being met. I understand the need for Aspies to sometimes withdraw, and some need it more often than others, but you still need your needs met. Don't be afraid to talk to him, either--the generalization is that Aspies won't or can't understand those types of serious discussions (not my belief before anyone gets the wrong idea!), but that simply isn't the case. He has the ability to understand what you need and his part of a relationship. Sometimes you just need to spell it out, and that goes for anyone.

~Rachel

 

[Mattymatt]

^^ This. And it's something I've got to be a whole lot better at. Communication is key. As an Aspie man, I don't get subtlety that well. You may get better results by being direct.

 

[madcow4madcow4]

Thanks for this. The original situation is mirroring mine currently.

 

[SouthernGirl]

I know that this is a long time after the fact but i really wanted to reply to this. I have been married to my ASD husband for 8 years. When we met i had no idea that he was ASD. The post about been ignored made me realize something and one poster remarked about how it wasn't a relationship as the BF was playing video games a lot. I too have that problem with my husband and i don't know how long i can keep going with this marriage. I am largely ignored come evening.
I thank you for that poster who remarked about the lack in the relationship, i felt as though my eyes had suddenly been opened, i just didn't want to see how bad things had gotten for me. I am NT.
I wish you all the best in life
SouthernGirl

 

[Kept in the dark]

I've been with my boyfriend for a little over a year now. Everything was great for the first 6 months or so, but since we've kind of relaxed and the honeymoon phase is over, I've felt like he has really pulled away from me a lot. I understand that he has obsessions (I do too!), but despite having talks with him about us spending more time together, nothing has changed.

When he wakes up, he normally jumps right onto the computer and is busy playing video games almost the entire day. At some point, he might spend an hour or so with me, watching a TV show or movie, but the rest of the day, he is glued to his laptop for 8+ hours. I try to be understanding, because I realize that video games are a way for him to escape when he's really stressed (which he always is) and that he can't help having obsessions, but I'm starting to feel lonely and resentful.

Even our sex life has dwindled. We used to do all kinds of stuff and explored a lot of fetishes and things we had. Now it feels kind of one-sided. He wants me to take charge, but most of the time is unable to give back when I'm not in the mood to be in charge. I hardly have a libido anymore because of this, but get angry when he takes care of himself (which can last for over an hour), because I can't help but think, "What about me?"

I miss when we first started dating and everything was new for us. We used to have a lot of discussions about anything and everything. Now, he says we have nothing to talk about. We used to spend a lot more time together, but now when we do, as soon as it's over, it almost seems like he can't wait to get back to his laptop. I don't feel like a priority anymore. When I bring it up, he says things will change, but after a day or two, everything goes back to the way it was.

I don't know what to do or think. I don't want to be clingy and nag him. I don't even know if my concerns are even valid or not. I know he loves me and cares about my feelings, but I can't shake the feelings of being ignored and unimportant. What can I do?

Don't feel bad, I am pretty sure my guy is aspie and I have been with him a little over 5 years. He does not live with me, we have never been intimate, he has not asked me out in 4 years, has not said he loves me in 4 years and has not been over to my place for dinner in almost a year but when in church, he sits with me, kisses me on the lips several time and kisses me on the lips in front of coworkers - Sometimes I wonder if this is just all a game to him. In all that time, we have never watched a tv show or tv period together - we have only had 3 dates in 5 years. He has met several of my family members but In 5 years, I have yet to meet one member of his family. His mother makes no effort to meet me and he does not live with her. The kicker too is that he lives within walking distance of me. People will think I'm an idiot, but I have a tremendous amount of patience for him and I plan to hang in there. I have never received a gift from him even though I always get something for him for Valentine's Day, Easter, his birthday, Christmas - I get a mass card and he signs it God Bless. He has never even picked me a little flower - but I have never made a stink about it.

 

[pax]

Yawn. Yeah this is 3 years old. There are enough of these posts around without resurrecting old ones.