Dust

[2046]

I got diagnosed late in my thirties. I have never had a job. I spent my youth partying and studying. I have two MA's from two different countries in two creative artistic fields that are near each other.

I had a career in the first field going for a couple of years but perfectionism and anxiety made it impossible to continue. I took some years of, got diagnosed, went through heavy medication (anti depressants, anti psychotics and benzo). The only thing that really helped was the anti psychotics, but they made me so tired and also made me gain weight. I didn't like that so I went back to the anti depressants, and tried many different sorts. (Since a year back Im no longer on medication. I started to feel disgusted by that I was messing with my brain and nervous system and body and so much more no one understands the consequences of. And I experienced a lot of negative effects. My stomach was constantly swollen, I got overheated as soon as I took a walk etc. It made me feel extremely uncomfortable in my body which was as worse as the depression). It was really hard to quit the medication, but after several months it got better. And I like to feel that my feelings can actually grow from things I experience instead of being locked away behind a wall of pills. It feels like I can get stronger, I think).

I applied for my second MA two years ago with hoped I would be able to handle that better than my first MA and the career that followed after that. It turned out to be one of the worst and best experiences of my life. One of the best because I learned more than ever before and came up on a professional level where I had not been before. The college is one of the best in the world. But it was one of the worst experience of my life because I was newly diagnosed with Asperger syndrome and more aware of myself. It soon became clear that I didn't fit into the social circles of college. I couldn't handle that at all. I became very alone and it soon took the wrong direction. My perfectionism took over and made it almost impossible to work. I stopped coming in to college, started to do all work from

Home. I felt more and more anxiety and stress and the feeling of not being able to think was almost constant the second year. I started to see my earlier life more clearly and I could see that it has always been like this. It made me feel ashamed of my whole life, it all felt wasted.

My girlfriend tried her best to help me, but she doesn't understand autism. She think everyone can do everything if the try hard enough. Which to some extent may be true, but in other situations it can be fatal and the backlash can be severe. Forcing myself to do things I can't handle can make me deeply exhausted and depressed for long periods. This she doesn't understand, or believes in. I try to tell her that I can feel how I am like a glass of external and internal information that is starting to flow over and I need to rest before that happens, but she pressure me to continue. She think this helps me, which it sometimes does, but other times I crash completely. And because she is the one nearest to me she gets to be near me when I have no energy left for thinking positive thoughts and she got to take all the bad energy. She calls me an energy vampire.

My girlfriend have had to stand my very low mood, depression and anxiety. And I have been more and more aware of that I behave horrible for long periods, that my mood is terrible to be around. That I am almost bipolar, going from thinking that I am better than everyone else to having the lowest of self esteem. I only compare myself to the best, nothing else matters. Another thing is a can get obsessed in collecting things. The last two years I collected information and also equipment for my special field of profession. I spent a lot of money and all the things take up quite some space. It's useful equipment but it often makes me nauseous to see it. Because I can feel the pressure to use it to do extraordinary things.

Now the two years of college is over and I don't feel like I succeeded being one of the top students who will go on to have a successful career. It feels just like before I started. It's almost like an insane dream. Two years just went by. So many meltdowns, so much anxiety. So much loosing all self respect and self value.

I understand that a career comes as much from networking as it does from being good at what you do. I have often felt like I am about to go insane. The better I become at what I do, the more intense this becomes. I would love to just being able to have a life but I have never worked, I can't handle social relations, I get tired very easily, of noise and people etc. And I have severe problems with thinking and organising my life, to get overview, come up with and follow routines that are good for me. I also am aware that I am no longer young. I understand that many of the dreams I had can no longer be fulfilled, at least not in the youthful way I so long dreamed of.

I am afraid of being a failure. Who have two MA's without a career? Of course I have grown as a human being because of my intensive studying, I understand so much more now. But knowledge can also help widen a gravitational hole of noise and homelessness, crazyness.

It feels like I'm trapped. I have no close friends in the country I now live in. My girlfriend and I are not happy. When I think of working on my own in my creative artistic field it feels like I will go crazy. I can feel the anxiety imidiatly. I just got my MA exam and college is over. Everyone in my year seems happy. I'm thinking of taking a razor blade, and find a forest where I can lie down in the grass and go to eternal sleep, not because I want to die, but because I can't live. This planet was for me until I was seven years old, I was always very happy then. After that I became self aware and started my accension into some sort void. Everything became distant and complicated: the relationship to others, to my own thoughts and body, to almost everything. I had a lot of relationships and girlfriends, but the relationships were all very stormy and crazy. It was somehow ok then, because I was younger and many of my girlfriends were "crazy" too. But with age things change and I started to want many things I before wasn't even interested in. It was then I realised I couldn't get these things even if I wanted. My life was problematic when I was young, but it was way more romantic. I guess that is youth, living with less attention to being responsible. It gets harder the older I get. The intensity of fear and noise gets stronger.

I am tired of my creativity because I suspect that when I have all my ideas and are somewhat happy, the ideas are in many aspects delusional. That's what my girlfriend tells me. It's all to much. It's too big, too grandiose. And it's not so original or well presented as I like to think it is when I'm in these states of mind.

I do not fit in, with anything or anyone. Why carry on when it's soo much pain and when my life creates pain in the persons I get close to? I am tired of myself. I was raised to believe I was special. And yes, I am special, but there isn't much good about it, at least not in the world where I am now.

 

[tree]

 

[Datura]

Your fraught relationship with creativity reminds me of my own. To be brimming with ideas but paralyzed by perfectionism and guilt. If one is going to be an artist it is best to have some level of nativity, I think, a sort of self-aggrandizing delusion. It takes such confidence to believe that ones vision is worth people's attention in a world with thousands of years of a art history, populated by billions.

I think it is better not to worry about such things. To walk a humbler path. One should do art because they enjoy it and are driven to do it, not because they feel obligated. I think as creative people we want to leave our mark on the world in some way, but perhaps we should just be at peace with mere existence. Perhaps we will never be important and our grand dreams will never come to fruition, but that does not mean we cannot live fulfilling lives by embracing the moment and what is rather than what could be.

 

[Meg12]

I got diagnosed late in my thirties. I have never had a job. I spent my youth partying and studying. I have two MA's from two different countries in two creative artistic fields that are near each other.

I had a career in the first field going for a couple of years but perfectionism and anxiety made it impossible to continue. I took some years of, got diagnosed, went through heavy medication (anti depressants, anti psychotics and benzo). The only thing that really helped was the anti psychotics, but they made me so tired and also made me gain weight. I didn't like that so I went back to the anti depressants, and tried many different sorts. (Since a year back Im no longer on medication. I started to feel disgusted by that I was messing with my brain and nervous system and body and so much more no one understands the consequences of. And I experienced a lot of negative effects. My stomach was constantly swollen, I got overheated as soon as I took a walk etc. It made me feel extremely uncomfortable in my body which was as worse as the depression). It was really hard to quit the medication, but after several months it got better. And I like to feel that my feelings can actually grow from things I experience instead of being locked away behind a wall of pills. It feels like I can get stronger, I think).

I applied for my second MA two years ago with hoped I would be able to handle that better than my first MA and the career that followed after that. It turned out to be one of the worst and best experiences of my life. One of the best because I learned more than ever before and came up on a professional level where I had not been before. The college is one of the best in the world. But it was one of the worst experience of my life because I was newly diagnosed with Asperger syndrome and more aware of myself. It soon became clear that I didn't fit into the social circles of college. I couldn't handle that at all. I became very alone and it soon took the wrong direction. My perfectionism took over and made it almost impossible to work. I stopped coming in to college, started to do all work from

Home. I felt more and more anxiety and stress and the feeling of not being able to think was almost constant the second year. I started to see my earlier life more clearly and I could see that it has always been like this. It made me feel ashamed of my whole life, it all felt wasted.

My girlfriend tried her best to help me, but she doesn't understand autism. She think everyone can do everything if the try hard enough. Which to some extent may be true, but in other situations it can be fatal and the backlash can be severe. Forcing myself to do things I can't handle can make me deeply exhausted and depressed for long periods. This she doesn't understand, or believes in. I try to tell her that I can feel how I am like a glass of external and internal information that is starting to flow over and I need to rest before that happens, but she pressure me to continue. She think this helps me, which it sometimes does, but other times I crash completely. And because she is the one nearest to me she gets to be near me when I have no energy left for thinking positive thoughts and she got to take all the bad energy. She calls me an energy vampire.

My girlfriend have had to stand my very low mood, depression and anxiety. And I have been more and more aware of that I behave horrible for long periods, that my mood is terrible to be around. That I am almost bipolar, going from thinking that I am better than everyone else to having the lowest of self esteem. I only compare myself to the best, nothing else matters. Another thing is a can get obsessed in collecting things. The last two years I collected information and also equipment for my special field of profession. I spent a lot of money and all the things take up quite some space. It's useful equipment but it often makes me nauseous to see it. Because I can feel the pressure to use it to do extraordinary things.

Now the two years of college is over and I don't feel like I succeeded being one of the top students who will go on to have a successful career. It feels just like before I started. It's almost like an insane dream. Two years just went by. So many meltdowns, so much anxiety. So much loosing all self respect and self value.

I understand that a career comes as much from networking as it does from being good at what you do. I have often felt like I am about to go insane. The better I become at what I do, the more intense this becomes. I would love to just being able to have a life but I have never worked, I can't handle social relations, I get tired very easily, of noise and people etc. And I have severe problems with thinking and organising my life, to get overview, come up with and follow routines that are good for me. I also am aware that I am no longer young. I understand that many of the dreams I had can no longer be fulfilled, at least not in the youthful way I so long dreamed of.

I am afraid of being a failure. Who have two MA's without a career? Of course I have grown as a human being because of my intensive studying, I understand so much more now. But knowledge can also help widen a gravitational hole of noise and homelessness, crazyness.

It feels like I'm trapped. I have no close friends in the country I now live in. My girlfriend and I are not happy. When I think of working on my own in my creative artistic field it feels like I will go crazy. I can feel the anxiety imidiatly. I just got my MA exam and college is over. Everyone in my year seems happy. I'm thinking of taking a razor blade, and find a forest where I can lie down in the grass and go to eternal sleep, not because I want to die, but because I can't live. This planet was for me until I was seven years old, I was always very happy then. After that I became self aware and started my accension into some sort void. Everything became distant and complicated: the relationship to others, to my own thoughts and body, to almost everything. I had a lot of relationships and girlfriends, but the relationships were all very stormy and crazy. It was somehow ok then, because I was younger and many of my girlfriends were "crazy" too. But with age things change and I started to want many things I before wasn't even interested in. It was then I realised I couldn't get these things even if I wanted. My life was problematic when I was young, but it was way more romantic. I guess that is youth, living with less attention to being responsible. It gets harder the older I get. The intensity of fear and noise gets stronger.

I am tired of my creativity because I suspect that when I have all my ideas and are somewhat happy, the ideas are in many aspects delusional. That's what my girlfriend tells me. It's all to much. It's too big, too grandiose. And it's not so original or well presented as I like to think it is when I'm in these states of mind.

I do not fit in, with anything or anyone. Why carry on when it's soo much pain and when my life creates pain in the persons I get close to? I am tired of myself. I was raised to believe I was special. And yes, I am special, but there isn't much good about it, at least not in the world where I am now.

I know you feel alone but know that you are not. I experience most of the feelings you mentioned in your introduction - intense anxiety, way above or way below everyone, socialization issues and the worst which is exhausting myself. The majority of jobs are based more on getting along with people than the skills you need in order to obtain the job...... it's very frustrating. It sounds like your girlfriend helps the best she can but it won't be the same as people who experience the same things you do so you've come to the right place. I read a lot about ASD and it helps me learn about my needs and realize if I am tired and need rest, then it's what I need to do. It's better to use your energy to take care of yourself instead of worrying about the things you can't achieve. There are always going to be horrendous days but I do think it helps tremendously to be self-accepting and self-aware.

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

Hi The reason to carry on is because the pain will reduce if you give others a chance, and the pain will be far worse for those you care about if you are no longer here. I and many others will try to help, if you give us a chance.

You have succeeded more than most with your 2 M.A.s. That is a huge accomplishement. You have learned so much about yourself through the process too. Many never learn so much through their struggles and experiences. You can carry on what you learned to the future.

If the pain is too great working right now, take time off, and focus on healing. Try not to feel pressure to do more than you can, as everyone from time to time feels overwhelmed and needs time to heal. I almost had a nervous breakdown when I was nineteen. The pressure was too great. I could not let them though win.

Do not worry about competing with the others. Those others cannot judge as they have not walked in your shoes. When I was in my late teens and early twenties, I was at an all time low. I barely could talk. I somehow survived very awful parenting. I started throwing up every day.

It took me 6 yrs to graduate, when it took most 4 hrs. I quit courses left and right that involved talking. I had no friends throughout my school years. I could not work after my degree. I thought to myself, "What is the purpose?" I had severe Social Anxiety Disorder, some mild depression, and OCD tendencies, had no chance to date, and felt all alone.

Then one day though I looked deep within and started to change my thinking. Everything started to become clearer. I could care less about my degree, about others avoiding me, about no jobs, about no friends. I was still living and wanted one day to find my own happiness, and to put that same effort in my studies and surviving my bad environment and school environments to help myself.

I was not about to let all those other efforts go to waste. So, I researched self-help things, listened to such motivational speeches, and began my own step by step plan, focusing on changing negative thoughts to more positive, worrying less, and diverting my mind to good things. In as little as six weeks of daily attempts at self-help, I felt big improvements.

I also resorted to things like self-praise, positive visualizations, being around supportive persons, changing posture and expressions to trick the body into altering mood, practicing at home with social game exercises, and things like that. I focused on being a good person as possible and giving efforts, and not on what everyone else was doing, or what expectations they had for me.

I started then meeting friends online, through messaging and emails, then meeting a few others to date. I learned a lot from those experiences too, and so I fine tuned things a bit, and just focused on trying. It sounds like you have tried a lot as well, and you have issues certainly, but it is not something that can stop you from happiness one day. I went from a person that always was self-critical, and avoidant of all, and wanting to please all, to one who was strong enough to deal with anything.

I could have went back to school and become a lawyer, psychologist or headed some organization, but I wanted something simpler. I no longer wanted to follow others, but to lead in my own way. I wanted to write, take on medical and government systems, marry, have kids, and to homeschool them. What guy wants that? Well, I did do all that, have been patient to find a wonderful wife, have 2
great autistic kids, and life could not be better. I do not define success anymore about what I do, but how great of a father and husband I am through my efforts.

Things will get better, if you give it time. Trust me there.

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

My wife wanted to share her point of view regarding this post too, so her reply is below. She had different experiences, thoughts and feelings than mine, but could relate in different ways to you.

Below is her reply:

"Hello,

Welcome to Aspies Central! Thanks for sharing your story. I am sorry that you are feeling down now, and I hope your situation will be better soon. It is a good step that you made, by coming here and posting your feelings, regardless of what they may be. We are here to support and listen, and if we can help, that is good too.

By the way, it is never too late to get diagnosed, or do something about your diagnosis, as I was correctly diagnosed with ADHD in my thirties too. And with that diagnosis, it made a lot more sense as to how to find solutions to such.

In ways, I can relate to how you feel, as in my younger days I felt the same "academic/work pressure" growing up too. You see, I grew up in a culture/society whereby there was a great need to be successful, both academically and work-wise. It was very competitive throughout my academic years as all the other people would talk about getting good grades, and getting into the best colleges/universities and not much else. So in that regard, I felt the 'pressure to succeed'. All of those people I knew in my past probably became 'successful' in the math, science, and business fields, which were highly looked up upon.

But deep down I was not one of them. I didn't do as well as they did academically in school and I wanted to study in the creative arts field (English literature, actually), which was looked down upon, and wanted to be a writer afterwards. My parents and the people around me made fun of me, and to which they mockingly asked, "So you really want to be a starving artist/writer?" All this being made fun of and competitiveness and being looked down upon made me depressed and suicidal.....

In and out of hospitals I went over the years, with several severe mental health diagnoses. The people around me continued on in their studies, while I kind of 'lagged behind' and had to give up on school. I never did finish college/university, even though I did attempt such briefly. As well, I had very serious life-threatening side effects from medications, and couldn't fully function because of such.

So I did what I had to do....

I asked myself....."What makes me happy?" Not what everyone else wants, but what I wanted. I stated by giving up all the "negative people" in my life. Not all at once, but gradually over the years drifted out of contact. I then focused on finding "positive people" in my life, and found more positive experiences in life too.

As well, as realized that I still had a lot of "creative energy", that I had to channel out (which I think you have too, as you mentioned about being in that field of study). So instead of doing things for "academic reasons", I did stuff "for the fun of it", and met more positive people that way too.

For example, I did some volunteer work, working one on one with students that needed help with their English skills. And now, I and my husband both homeschool our autistic kids, which helps with their language and reading skills too. By engaging on one on one social interactions, it helps build my confidence in dealing with others, instead of being overwhelmed with big crowds of people or having to interact with people just for academic purposes.

And in my spare time, I write, draw, play music, read, whatever I need to do to be creative and at the same time happy with what I am in life. Oh and I gave up the meds too, as they cause more harm than good.

Maybe you can do something similar activity-wise too? Find people that like what you like. And meet them one on one to do an activity together. No academics. No work related stuff. Just fun and enjoyment.

The hardest part about being in an "academic rut" is trying to get out of it, especially if you have done it for so long and it is so structured and routine. It is easy to fall back on academics, if that is something that you are able to do easily. But there is more to life than academics, I promise.

And whatever that you are able to find in life that makes you happy, even if it is just the small things, will slowly build into bigger and bigger things.

Next time you take a walk, use your creativity, not your depressing thoughts. Look at the world around you, and take in its wonder, like it is a new learning experience. Real life can teach us more lessons than any classroom setting...

Good luck and I wish you well. Don't give up on life, but instead look ahead towards the new lessons of real life experience."

Wife of Dadwith2Autisticsons

 

[Warmheart]

Welcome to AC! I hope you feel comfortable here.

 

[SusanLR]

I am really glad for finding this forum. It helps me feel not so alone and hopefully sharing my experiences will resonate with someone and help them in some way.
Welcome aboard.

 

[Danny 74]

Helloooo 2046.....!

 

[Nitro]

 

[xudo]

Welcome

 

[2046]

Your fraught relationship with creativity reminds me of my own. To be brimming with ideas but paralyzed by perfectionism and guilt. If one is going to be an artist it is best to have some level of nativity, I think, a sort of self-aggrandizing delusion. It takes such confidence to believe that ones vision is worth people's attention in a world with thousands of years of a art history, populated by billions.

I think it is better not to worry about such things. To walk a humbler path. One should do art because they enjoy it and are driven to do it, not because they feel obligated. I think as creative people we want to leave our mark on the world in some way, but perhaps we should just be at peace with mere existence. Perhaps we will never be important and our grand dreams will never come to fruition, but that does not mean we cannot live fulfilling lives by embracing the moment and what is rather than what could be.

Thank you Datura for your answer. I understand what you are saying, and I agree 100%. However to actually transition into a state of mind and life where it works like this feels impossible. I wouldn't know where to start. To have a professional career where I would live and work like that I think I would need some sort of total spiritual transformation where every trace of my old ways would have to change. And the perfectionism I am a victim off comes from myself not from others. I can see so many people that I think make much less interesting work who believes in what they do - or doesn't invest themselves so deeply into it. They are more relaxed, open and have more fun. And they are more successful. So I know that my perfectionism comes from myself and that it hurts me but I can't stop it. I don't know how to think differently. I don't even know how to think differently about doing much more simple things. It's like I'm still a child who never learnt how to deal with anything.
I am a pain to be around most of the time nowadays, I can't get out of the void in my mind. I can't be relaxed or happy. It's not right to keep someone by my side when I can't believe that I will be able to change.
And even if I would be successful in what I do I wouldn't be able to handle it. The professional world is nothing like the world I naively dreamt about when I was younger and wanted to be part of this particular creative field. Too bad I spent 15 years trying to be part of it before I realised it. It started out as a dream to be able to be free and not have an ordinary job. However it is a job to be professional at something. if it isn't, it's just a hobby. And if it's my hobby then I still need another job. If I don't want my girlfriend to support me.
I would like to live in a house in a forest outside this world and work on the house, build things, invent things, source material
from my surroundings. Try to be in the moment instead of dream of making something great. But I have no money so it's nothing more than a fantasy. And who knows, maybe the insanity would manifest itself there too anyway. Probably it would. Probably it doesn't matter where I would be or what I would do.

 

[2046]

If the pain is too great working right now, take time off, and focus on healing. Try not to feel pressure to do more than you can, as everyone from time to time feels overwhelmed and needs time to heal. I almost had a nervous breakdown when I was nineteen. The pressure was too great. I could not let them though win.

Thank you Dadwith2Autisticsons - and your wife! - for your answers !
The thing is that my girlfriend have given me an ultimatum. Either I start with my medication again or I move out in a month. I have body dysmorphic disorder and feel uncomfortable in my own body. The medication makes my stomach swollen and I get so hot so that the sweat is literally pouring from me when I am outside. It gives me even more anxiety. I have tried many different medications under many many years. I don't want to do it again. I am so happy that I finally got rid of it.
My girlfriend can't talk with me in the way I would like. She can't handle when I'm saying that I don't feel well. Our worst fights are when she asks me how I feel and I answer truthfully. She then gets extremely upset and tells me in hundred different ways how bad I am, that's it's my own fault how I feel and how my situation is because of the choices I make and that other autistic people manage what I don't. She have what I know never met anyone else with autism - and if she has it's only brief, I doubt that she knows about their struggles. I mean people can meet me too sometimes and talk to me and think that my life is great. How many people tell people they hardly know that their life is hell?
I have never been so criticised by anyone as much as I have been by her. And no one has stayed by my side more and tried to help me more. However I would prefer if she would quit helping me and instead would just listen to how I feel and accept it.
So as you can imagine taking the time to relax is complicated right now. And I have nowhere else to go. I fantasise about just leaving everything and live with a backpack in India or Spain or something. I get a few hundred bucks every months. It would be more than enough if I would sleep rough or in cheap bungalows. I just want to feel anything again, even if it's loneliness. The only feeling I feel nowadays are anxiety. I would love to be able to cry. Too see and be with nature. Too feel alive.

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

Hi. Thank you for your post. Well, you have come to the right place, as we and others relate to lots you say.

First of all, yes, you are 100% right. I do not feel like your girlfriend is listening.

What I feel you are saying is: the medication is making things worse, you do not like being critiqued by her, and she is not letting you express your thoughts and feelings without criticism. You are saying also you would be finer with a simple life, and to feel any emotion again.

And if I understand correctly from another message, you feel you are a perfectionist too, so I relate much there, as I have been that way my entire life.

Actually, I relate to your situation, a whole lot.

The good thing about my perfectionism though is I never required this from others close to me. I let them have their own personalities, interests and joys. I used to be my worst critic, though, and had a need to be perfect, in many ways, especially from age ten through my mid twenties when I was in school, but I have relaxed much there, in terms of needing less of those precise ways, once things became simplified.

I then used to always have to be perfect in terms of looks, clothes, when and how I replied to people, and like in how I organized my writings, and with regards to ethics, and things like that. But, one thing I noticed is if less persons are involved, and no close negative people, with focus on just one or two supportive persons instead, that makes a huge difference and I am more relaxed there. And I did other things I needed for myself, too. That helped as well.

Others' help offered to you may sometimes be well intentioned, but it means little, if it is not for you. That help would likely just make matters worse. That medical help or self-help that works for another or me, may not work or be right for you. It is you that has to decide what makes you happy and what you need, and you are doing a great job so far saying some important things you need.

For me, simplifying my life has been one of the main answers for me. Not working around others and not working in a profession has reduced my anxiety tons. I do not have to compete, and be perfect then around them, which would have built that pressure. I can be myself, around family that is happy with me, and understands me, without needing to impress the others. I can still have a few perfectionist needs, and that is ok. But, it does not take up much of my thoughts, time and actions. So much less perfection is needed when less others and less responsibilities are involved.

I myself am not into drugs. I tried a medication for ocd traits long ago, and I felt worse. I relate to that a lot too, as does my wife.

Frankly, I think your girlfriend is a horrible fit. It sounds like she wants you to do things you do not want to do and are incapable of doing, and that is clearly making matters worse. She has dreams for you that are not yours. She thinks she knows what will help but it will hurt. That is clear.

I related to your talk in another message about how you would like to live and where.

We live in a very relaxing and nice area, in the US. Our large parcel is semi-wooded and semi-open, enclosed in all sides by trees, and in a newer subdivision, but no neighbors in view and as the two adjacent wooden areas are not occupied, on the other parts of the loop. So, I know what you mean in other post when you suggested you needed that peace.

I lived alone from age 18 to 38. I not only survived but found much peace and happiness then, after the initial stress wore off. I will tell you privately how I accomplished such, if you ever want or need to know that.

And so if you ever need to talk privately, too, feel free to send me a private conversation too, by clicking on my profile, and we care share more information via conversation that way too, or through email, whichever you prefer.

We are the type that will let you be yourself, and not push you, but listen to your desires and try to get you
pointed in that direction. Anytime you need a friend, we would be glad to be there for you.

 

[2046]

Thank you everyone !