Do People Think You Are Blaming Them?

[S-Head]

When talking with an NT, do they think you are blaming them all the time?

For example, if I'm having a conversation, and the person I'm talking to starts talking quieter, then I can say "I can't hear you" or "You should speak louder" or "Could you please speak louder".

Now if you were really sensitive, the first 2 sayings could be taken the wrong way. Especially if the tone of voice used is malicious.

The problem is that if I say "You should speak louder" in a normal tone of voice, then some people tend to take it very hard. Like I'm blaming them. Kind of like saying "You're speaking too softly, so it's your fault that I can't hear you! You should speak louder!".

Am I losing it, or are they overreacting?

I mean, in this situation I've heard everything from "you think you're better than me" to "you're talking down to me", and all I am thinking is "I can't hear this person. I wish they could speak louder so I can understand what they're saying."

 

[rainfall]

They're overreacting, definitely. I don't think that they think you are blaming them but most people are easily offended and you telling them to speak louder when they assumed they were speaking loud enough already got them all worked up.

I can understand. There are certain frequencies that are hard for me to hear. It's usually males deeper voices and especially when they are sick it all comes out in a rumble to me. I got yelled at a lot for asking my ex to repeat himself.

 

[Tyrantus1212]

They really are overreacting. They're jumping to conclusions. I have issues with tact and thus I tend to come off as if I'm judging or undermining some people, and their overreactions hurt my feelings. I have very sensitive feelings and fragile self-esteem, so this is especially a problem for me. I start getting mad at myself in front of them which makes everything just so much worse.

Now this is different: I also have trouble expressing sympathy - I do feel it inside, but I have trouble expressing it outwards. Like for example, my parents and I were about to take a trip but my father hurt his back just a week before. I was afraid that we wouldn't go and started throwing a tantrum, giving my father the illusion that I blame him for the possible postponement of the trip, and making him feel guilty when he shouldn't and he isn't - so if people get mad at me in this case, they're not overreacting. That makes me come off as a jerk, pretty much, even though that's never my intent.

 

[Kyn]

I think that if someone responds angrily to something spoken without anger or malice, then they are probably overreacting. I also find that it is helpful to always phrase or say things in a way that makes the other person feel as though, by doing what you suggest, they are helping you out, or doing something good. People are more inclined to do what you want or need them to if they think it makes them nice for doing it. Most people do not want to be told what to do, so phrasing something as a question- could you please speak louder as I can't quite hear you- instead of a statement telling them what to do- you should talk louder- tends to go over better. People feel good about doing what they can to accomodate you, instead of just feeling irritated because they perceive you as bossing them around, telling them what to do.
It's kind of a silly thing, but it does seem to help.

 

[S-Head]

They really are overreacting. They're jumping to conclusions. I have issues with tact and thus I tend to come off as if I'm judging or undermining some people, and their overreactions hurt my feelings. I have very sensitive feelings and fragile self-esteem, so this is especially a problem for me. I start getting mad at myself in front of them which makes everything just so much worse.

Now this is different: I also have trouble expressing sympathy - I do feel it inside, but I have trouble expressing it outwards. Like for example, my parents and I were about to take a trip but my father hurt his back just a week before. I was afraid that we wouldn't go and started throwing a tantrum, giving my father the illusion that I blame him for the possible postponement of the trip, and making him feel guilty when he shouldn't and he isn't - so if people get mad at me in this case, they're not overreacting. That makes me come off as a jerk, pretty much, even though that's never my intent.

Thanks for your words.

I understand about getting mad at yourself, and I find that others do not understand that at all.

I hear you about expressing sympathy, I think it happens just like that for me. I can usually find a way to express it a few seconds later, and that's just fine for my parents. My real problem is with my wife, where a few seconds lag is a very big deal. I must find a way to deal with it. The reason I can express it a few seconds later is because I've kind of stopped thinking about the conversation, and my mind is clear to think about the next topic, which is how to express my sympathy. I've been practicing "thinking nothing/not at all" when having conversations with people. It's hard. If it's a personal conversation, that's always the way to go, just be blank, no thought. My way to convince myself is: my wife doesn't care if I look stupid. It works really well every time I am able to do this.

That's a good example where your Dad would feel he was blamed.

 

[S-Head]

I think that if someone responds angrily to something spoken without anger or malice, then they are probably overreacting. I also find that it is helpful to always phrase or say things in a way that makes the other person feel as though, by doing what you suggest, they are helping you out, or doing something good. People are more inclined to do what you want or need them to if they think it makes them nice for doing it. Most people do not want to be told what to do, so phrasing something as a question- could you please speak louder as I can't quite hear you- instead of a statement telling them what to do- you should talk louder- tends to go over better. People feel good about doing what they can to accomodate you, instead of just feeling irritated because they perceive you as bossing them around, telling them what to do.
It's kind of a silly thing, but it does seem to help.

Thanks. Yes, agreed, that does help in such a situation a lot.

 

[Streetwise]

Thanks for your words.

I understand about getting mad at yourself, and I find that others do not understand that at all.

I hear you about expressing sympathy, I think it happens just like that for me. I can usually find a way to express it a few seconds later, and that's just fine for my parents. My real problem is with my wife, where a few seconds lag is a very big deal. I must find a way to deal with it. The reason I can express it a few seconds later is because I've kind of stopped thinking about the conversation, and my mind is clear to think about the next topic, which is how to express my sympathy. I've been practicing "thinking nothing/not at all" when having conversations with people. It's hard. If it's a personal conversation, that's always the way to go, just be blank, no thought. My way to convince myself is: my wife doesn't care if I look stupid. It works really well every time I am able to do this.

That's a good example where your Dad would feel he was blamed.

remember to say please! people are free to choose what they want to do

 

[JamesBon92007]

When talking with an NT, do they think you are blaming them all the time?

For example, if I'm having a conversation, and the person I'm talking to starts talking quieter, then I can say "I can't hear you" or "You should speak louder" or "Could you please speak louder".

I'm old so I can get easily away with pretending to be hard of hearing but it happens quite often that I can't understand what someone is saying. I read somewhere that Aspie's sometimes have trouble hearing voices especially if there is other ambient noise. I usually just say "sorry, could you repeat that please?" I have not noticed anyone being offended.

As for blaming people for everything, sure, I do that. I have become more aware of it and try not to do it. It happens mainly with someone I am very close to, such as a wife or girlfriend.

 

[Suzanne]

If someone said to me: you should speak louder, I would apologise immediately and try to adjust my voice. Funny enough, my husband who is an NT does get offended if I was to say: you should do such and such. I had not thought about it before, because I am very sensitive.

I believe it is the "you should" part that makes people react. If one was to say: it would be really helpful if you spoke louder. That is like softening the "blow".

I get usually: can you please lower your voice? Because once I get animated, up goes my volume.

 

[Momo]

Some people will always take things the wrong way no matter what you do. It can be difficult to say what you mean without being offending people.

 

[radasp]

I think that there is a real social issue here that has to do with "status" Social status dictates rules of behavior (which makes no sense to us as Aspies). A "high status" person (teacher, boss, doctor, parent etc)is allowed to be rude; to criticize or command a lower status person to do something. "You should do xyz" is taken as"criticism and command" and this is "saying" to the person that you are higher status than they are. This is reacted to as overstepping your status (which in case you don't know) as an Aspie, or "disabled person" or weirdo or eccentric, or simply "different" in some way, is at the bottom of the "social ladder" So your perceived "command" is an insult. Stupid? Yes.

By telling the person instead, "I'm partly deaf" or some such thing and adding "please" to your request, you are indicating that you recognize your status as lower than theirs, and they will be less "hostile" (unless they are just an A-hole.)

 

[Grandmother B]

When talking with an NT, do they think you are blaming them all the time?

For example, if I'm having a conversation, and the person I'm talking to starts talking quieter, then I can say "I can't hear you" or "You should speak louder" or "Could you please speak louder".

Now if you were really sensitive, the first 2 sayings could be taken the wrong way. Especially if the tone of voice used is malicious.

The problem is that if I say "You should speak louder" in a normal tone of voice, then some people tend to take it very hard. Like I'm blaming them. Kind of like saying "You're speaking too softly, so it's your fault that I can't hear you! You should speak louder!".

Am I losing it, or are they overreacting?

I mean, in this situation I've heard everything from "you think you're better than me" to "you're talking down to me", and all I am thinking is "I can't hear this person. I wish they could speak louder so I can understand what they're saying."

It's the way you are saying it. Instead of saying "You should", say "Could you speak louder, because I am having trouble hearing you." That makes all the difference. People will respond to a request better than an order, which is how they see it, even though you don't mean it that way.

 

[JamesBon92007]

By telling the person instead, "I'm partly deaf" or some such thing and adding "please" to your request, you are indicating that you recognize your status as lower than theirs, and they will be less "hostile" (unless they are just an A-hole.)

So, you are saying that I consider myself to be an inferior person? I'm afraid I don't agree. I don't recognize "social status." I'll go along with "authority" because of the consequences if I don't but I definitely don't consider them to be somehow superior to me.

If you are suggesting that I am allowing myself to be bullied, that is one characteristic Aspie trait that I don't possess. Many times in my youth I came to the rescue of others that were being bullied and ran them off. If I ask someone to repeat something it is because I didn't hear what they said. I think you are reading too much into it.

 

[ImAnAspie]

Not that I'm always the most diplomatic Aspie but after many years of "putting my foot in my mouth" and suffering the (sometimes violent) consequences, I've learned a few things:

"I can't hear you"

- You could soften this one with, "I'm sorry. I'm having a bit of trouble hearing you."

"You should speak louder"

- The 'should' turns it into you're telling them what they 'should' do - and people don't like being told what to do.

"Could you please speak louder".

- This one's fine but perhaps you could soften it a little more by saying, "Could you speak a little more loudly please?"

 

[S-Head]

So, you are saying that I consider myself to be an inferior person? I'm afraid I don't agree. I don't recognize "social status." I'll go along with "authority" because of the consequences if I don't but I definitely don't consider them to be somehow superior to me.

If you are suggesting that I am allowing myself to be bullied, that is one characteristic Aspie trait that I don't possess. Many times in my youth I came to the rescue of others that were being bullied and ran them off. If I ask someone to repeat something it is because I didn't hear what they said. I think you are reading too much into it.

Yes I kind of see what you're saying. By saying "I'm partially deaf" you are putting yourself down. And in so doing inviting bullying.

 

[S-Head]

Not that I'm always the most diplomatic Aspie but after many years of "putting my foot in my mouth" and suffering the (sometimes violent) consequences, I've learned a few things:

- You could soften this one with, "I'm sorry. I'm having a bit of trouble hearing you."

- The 'should' turns it into you're telling them what they 'should' do - and people don't like being told what to do.

- This one's fine but perhaps you could soften it a little more by saying, "Could you speak a little more loudly please?"

I agree on your points. That last one is a little over-soft, which is needed sometimes. However if you try to oversell that last one (for example if you used a tinge of sarcasm while saying that...), I can see it may backfire.

 

[Ambi]

When talking with an NT, do they think you are blaming them all the time?

For example, if I'm having a conversation, and the person I'm talking to starts talking quieter, then I can say "I can't hear you" or "You should speak louder" or "Could you please speak louder".

Now if you were really sensitive, the first 2 sayings could be taken the wrong way. Especially if the tone of voice used is malicious.

The problem is that if I say "You should speak louder" in a normal tone of voice, then some people tend to take it very hard. Like I'm blaming them. Kind of like saying "You're speaking too softly, so it's your fault that I can't hear you! You should speak louder!".

Am I losing it, or are they overreacting?

I mean, in this situation I've heard everything from "you think you're better than me" to "you're talking down to me", and all I am thinking is "I can't hear this person. I wish they could speak louder so I can understand what they're saying."

I usually preface things like that with "Sorry, I'm having trouble hearing you, could you speak more loudly?", then there is no problem. They already see that in this problematic situation, I have already assigned "blame" to myself, so they don't feel I might be blaming them for not speaking loudly enough. Even just, "sorry, could you speak louder" should work, imho.

 

[Ambi]

I have been accused of being very cold and bossy, though. I was told I need to "soften" what I say. That is very hard for me to do in a work environment, because my mind is focused on my technical goals, to the detriment of these difficult to detect social needs. I don't even know what they are talking about, though. I really hope to work alone enough to not run into this problem too often. It was worst when I was involved in intense and unending teamwork.

 

[NateSean]

When talking with an NT, do they think you are blaming them all the time?

For example, if I'm having a conversation, and the person I'm talking to starts talking quieter, then I can say "I can't hear you" or "You should speak louder" or "Could you please speak louder".

Now if you were really sensitive, the first 2 sayings could be taken the wrong way. Especially if the tone of voice used is malicious.

The problem is that if I say "You should speak louder" in a normal tone of voice, then some people tend to take it very hard. Like I'm blaming them. Kind of like saying "You're speaking too softly, so it's your fault that I can't hear you! You should speak louder!".

Am I losing it, or are they overreacting?

I mean, in this situation I've heard everything from "you think you're better than me" to "you're talking down to me", and all I am thinking is "I can't hear this person. I wish they could speak louder so I can understand what they're saying."

It's hard to weigh in, because I only know what you're telling me.

I often have a hard time hearing people and whether or not I have a genuine hearing problem, or it's yet another previously undefined trait of Aspergers, people don't usually get offended when I ask them to repeat themselves.

What annoys me is when there is a lot going on around me, a person is a fair distance from me when they call to me, and when I "hang on, I can't hear you," that somehow translates to yell louder.

 

[S-Head]

It's hard to weigh in, because I only know what you're telling me.

I often have a hard time hearing people and whether or not I have a genuine hearing problem, or it's yet another previously undefined trait of Aspergers, people don't usually get offended when I ask them to repeat themselves.

What annoys me is when there is a lot going on around me, a person is a fair distance from me when they call to me, and when I "hang on, I can't hear you," that somehow translates to yell louder.

No worries; I tried to create an example from real life and it may not be complete.

I am actually hard of hearing and have a pair of high end hearing aids that I wear all day. Even so, I can relate to your comment; in other words, even when I can hear them, I sometimes don't understand what is being said.

That last one is funny, and in my experience is universal!