saturn123
Well-Known Member
Hi! I am new to the forum. I am a teenage girl. I was recently diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder by my psychiatrist after my mental breakdown from stress. She thinks that I may have Asperger's, but I have not done any formal testing. I am sorry, but this is going to be very long.
All my life, I just felt misunderstood, as if no one truly understood me. I frequently feel lonely, not because of the fact that I am alone, but because I do not have the sense of belonging with other human beings. This often puts me into depression. When I am overwhelmed and misunderstood, I cocoon myself in a small, quiet space, away from people. Right now, I am very confused. I don't know what is wrong with me.
Socially, I always have had a difficult time making friends. I don't know how to "just join in" and connect, even though it seems so easy for other people. I would say it is one of the most difficult things I have to do in life. Socializing is getting harder and harder for me as I age. This is probably because my interests were more similar to other kids when I was younger. Also, the kids were more accepting and tolerant when they are young. However, connecting to other human beings is harder and more confusing. Apparently, I sometimes miss social cues and appear to be rude. I avoid social situations, especially new ones, at all costs because it is really uncomfortable. People often tell me that I am not a people person or that I have bad social skills. Unlike my sister, I don't like to "hang out" with people outside of school, except couple times I was forced to by my mom during middle school. New social situations and environment makes me very anxious and panicky. Sometimes, I would just freeze in crowds, unable to form even a sentence, as if my mouth had forgot how to speak. If I have to attend a social situation, I feel panicky days and weeks before, and I can't sleep well. Speaking of sleep, I always had difficulty with it. Ever since I was young, I had hard time falling a sleep and hated going to sleep. I would often get into trouble for not sleeping when I was told to. Currently, I take melatonin to fall asleep. However, I still can't sleep well and feel tired and can't get up the next day for school. Back to socializing. I find it very tiring to socialize and need a long time to recharge by myself in a small, quiet space. Ever since I was young, I have been told that I am very bossy and speak way too loud and fast many times. Currently, I have found out that I interrupt way too much. I always had this problem. It just seem so natural to join in on conversations that way, and I would not notice it. When I was younger, whenever I interrupted, my family members would get very upset at me and ignore me. I have tried very hard not to interrupt and be controlling, so people don't hate me, but it is incredibly hard. Fortunately, I do have friends (yay ), and I am very thankful that despite my oddities, they continue to be my friends.
But the first reason why I thought there was something wrong with me was the fact that I would have anger explosions ever since I was young. I didn't want to be angry, but it was so hard to control it. I would lash out for hours; it could last from an hour to the whole day. I did not know what I want. I was exhausted, but I could not calm myself. Calming myself is very hard for me, and this got me into A LOT of trouble. All my life, I was told I had an anger issue and that I was way too stubborn, and I desperately wanted to change it. I was also very fearful. Sometimes, things would get stuck in my head over an over again. Sometimes, it was something so trivial like something that was unexpected or something I had seen in movies, tv, book, or any everyday life situation. It was hard to predict what would get stuck in my head, but they would all have one thing in common- it would not leave my head. I would get scared of rooms, bathroom, death, diseases, separation from family, etc. When I was emotionally overwhelmed, I would get frustrated and feel out of control. I would perform self-stimulatory behaviors that felt so good and relieving, which included rubbing my fingers with blanket, pick my skin, chew on clothes, arm, pencil, eraser, etc. I would also stare at lights, squint, and see it "dance."
Regarding the sensory aspect, I was always sensitive to sound, clothes, light, food, etc. I was fearful loud sounds like toilet flushing. When I was younger, my mom would often flush the toilet for me after I finished (especially for airplane toilets). I can not concentrate with background noise, especially during studying and conversation. It would drive me crazy, anxious, and frustrated. Many clothing (esp. tags) are uncomfortable and bothersome. I am a picky eater; I absolutely abhor soggy food and don't like sauces. When my senses are overloaded, I would often shutdown.
My brain seems to be very obsessive sometimes. Sometimes, I would listen to one song over and over again for a hundred times in a row for days or weeks until I eventually get sick of it. Many times, my interests are a little bit strange that seem to be very intense. Some of my interests come and go, but I have a couple that have stuck with me for my entire life. However, my interest, whether for short or long term, are intense. I would constantly think about it, and even dream it. When I was younger, I would spend large portion of my time collecting and organizing. I would tune out the world around me, clueless of where I am and the time passing by. Sometimes, I would talk about something over and over again, and people would get annoyed with me.
I am sorry this post was so long. I know you guys can't diagnose, but I would greatly appreciate with any input.
Thank you
All my life, I just felt misunderstood, as if no one truly understood me. I frequently feel lonely, not because of the fact that I am alone, but because I do not have the sense of belonging with other human beings. This often puts me into depression. When I am overwhelmed and misunderstood, I cocoon myself in a small, quiet space, away from people. Right now, I am very confused. I don't know what is wrong with me.
Socially, I always have had a difficult time making friends. I don't know how to "just join in" and connect, even though it seems so easy for other people. I would say it is one of the most difficult things I have to do in life. Socializing is getting harder and harder for me as I age. This is probably because my interests were more similar to other kids when I was younger. Also, the kids were more accepting and tolerant when they are young. However, connecting to other human beings is harder and more confusing. Apparently, I sometimes miss social cues and appear to be rude. I avoid social situations, especially new ones, at all costs because it is really uncomfortable. People often tell me that I am not a people person or that I have bad social skills. Unlike my sister, I don't like to "hang out" with people outside of school, except couple times I was forced to by my mom during middle school. New social situations and environment makes me very anxious and panicky. Sometimes, I would just freeze in crowds, unable to form even a sentence, as if my mouth had forgot how to speak. If I have to attend a social situation, I feel panicky days and weeks before, and I can't sleep well. Speaking of sleep, I always had difficulty with it. Ever since I was young, I had hard time falling a sleep and hated going to sleep. I would often get into trouble for not sleeping when I was told to. Currently, I take melatonin to fall asleep. However, I still can't sleep well and feel tired and can't get up the next day for school. Back to socializing. I find it very tiring to socialize and need a long time to recharge by myself in a small, quiet space. Ever since I was young, I have been told that I am very bossy and speak way too loud and fast many times. Currently, I have found out that I interrupt way too much. I always had this problem. It just seem so natural to join in on conversations that way, and I would not notice it. When I was younger, whenever I interrupted, my family members would get very upset at me and ignore me. I have tried very hard not to interrupt and be controlling, so people don't hate me, but it is incredibly hard. Fortunately, I do have friends (yay ), and I am very thankful that despite my oddities, they continue to be my friends.
But the first reason why I thought there was something wrong with me was the fact that I would have anger explosions ever since I was young. I didn't want to be angry, but it was so hard to control it. I would lash out for hours; it could last from an hour to the whole day. I did not know what I want. I was exhausted, but I could not calm myself. Calming myself is very hard for me, and this got me into A LOT of trouble. All my life, I was told I had an anger issue and that I was way too stubborn, and I desperately wanted to change it. I was also very fearful. Sometimes, things would get stuck in my head over an over again. Sometimes, it was something so trivial like something that was unexpected or something I had seen in movies, tv, book, or any everyday life situation. It was hard to predict what would get stuck in my head, but they would all have one thing in common- it would not leave my head. I would get scared of rooms, bathroom, death, diseases, separation from family, etc. When I was emotionally overwhelmed, I would get frustrated and feel out of control. I would perform self-stimulatory behaviors that felt so good and relieving, which included rubbing my fingers with blanket, pick my skin, chew on clothes, arm, pencil, eraser, etc. I would also stare at lights, squint, and see it "dance."
Regarding the sensory aspect, I was always sensitive to sound, clothes, light, food, etc. I was fearful loud sounds like toilet flushing. When I was younger, my mom would often flush the toilet for me after I finished (especially for airplane toilets). I can not concentrate with background noise, especially during studying and conversation. It would drive me crazy, anxious, and frustrated. Many clothing (esp. tags) are uncomfortable and bothersome. I am a picky eater; I absolutely abhor soggy food and don't like sauces. When my senses are overloaded, I would often shutdown.
My brain seems to be very obsessive sometimes. Sometimes, I would listen to one song over and over again for a hundred times in a row for days or weeks until I eventually get sick of it. Many times, my interests are a little bit strange that seem to be very intense. Some of my interests come and go, but I have a couple that have stuck with me for my entire life. However, my interest, whether for short or long term, are intense. I would constantly think about it, and even dream it. When I was younger, I would spend large portion of my time collecting and organizing. I would tune out the world around me, clueless of where I am and the time passing by. Sometimes, I would talk about something over and over again, and people would get annoyed with me.
I am sorry this post was so long. I know you guys can't diagnose, but I would greatly appreciate with any input.
Thank you