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Difficulty with indulging in my obsession

jamesaldrin

Well-Known Member
Tl;dr (too long-didnt read): I have a mentality where certain people in my life have a "disgusting" energy to them. I refuse to tell them about the things in life that I enjoy, because if they know what I like, then I won't like it anymore. But even if I don't tell them anything, I keep having intrusive thoughts about them.

Hey. I have two obsessions (that I am conciously aware of). One of them is irrelevant for the sake of this thread. The other one is the purpose for this thread:

This isn't an easy obsession to explain, but here is my explanation: Do you know how there are people (NTs included) who are obsessed with certain time periods? Like a guy whos obsessed with the 80's, and his house is all decorated with 80's posters and he dresses like people from 80's movies (such as Grease) and only listens to 80's music? My obsession is kind of like that.

I am obsessed with my four years of high school. Each one has its own distinctive feel to it. I am obsessed with being able to re-live the four years whenever I want. This can be difficult, but just focusing hard on the different music I listened to, thought patterns I had at the time, animes I watched (I only watch animes), and so on can bring me back into the mental state I had at the time.

The four years, which i refer to as Freshman, Sophomore, Junior, and Senior years, are all complex (infinitely, I'd like to think) so that I can not explain them. But here is a generalized view of Freshman year so that you get the idea:

Freshman year: This is the year where being in High School was a big thing for me. I was depressed and wanted to jump in front of the train I took home. [Gym teacher of the time]'s class was a strong feature; I had to change into the school uniform for it which made me uncomfortable. Along the time that I was uncomfortable with changing, which was around September-October, I was playing the video game American Mcgee's Alice. (A school year where I live is from September to June.) Shortly thereafter, I discovered Kid Cudi. Kid Cudi would be the bright light in my world, or the one thing I looked up to. I would play on a particular Minecraft server every day. When I think of Freshman year, one of Kid Cudi's song's instantly starts playing in my head. From December to February, the anime "One Piece" was my life. I try to re-feel the emotions I felt for it during Freshman year to try and re-live Freshman year. I also try to listen to the music I listen to (Kid Cudi and the American Mcgee's Alice Soundtrack) to try and put myself back in Freshman year.

Each year is distinct like that. Sophomore year was more of a "cool" year where I started to discover things cool things at home such as dubstep and interacted with distinctive, but influential classmates. Junior year was the year after I started trying to become normal. Senior year was the year that I became a hot guy and got into a bad habit that I won't name.

Anyways, I have a huge block in trying to enjoy reliving the years. In my head, my parents corrupt the things I like. If I think of an anime I like, for example, then I can easily stop my enjoyment of thinking about it by having an image of my mother pop into my head. And so, pretty much every time I try to re-live something from the four years, be it an anime, a song, or perhaps a girl I liked, thoughts of my family pop into my head and corrupt the things I like.

This is especially bad if my parents have some sort of awareness about something that I like. If they heard me listen to a song during the four years, then it becomes difficult indulge in thinking about that song.

These are intrusive thoughts that are corrupting the thoughts that I want to indulge in. Even if there's no relation between my parents and the thing I'm thinking about, I'll automatically make something up (i.e. that character from One Piece looks like my father -> character ruined).

I avoid going deep into thought of the years because of fear of having thoughts of my parents interject. I want to relive the years. I want to relive Junior year's watching Clannad and then eating my bodybuilding food while thinking about [girl I liked in Junior] year and my slowly getting brighter life during that time. I want to relive the depression I felt during Junior year's [certain important class with important people]. But I'm afraid to try to think about them because of intrusive thoughts about my family.

This probably won't make sense to a lot of people. I hope that it makes sense to a few though so that they can help me figure this out.

I feel this disgust of people and fear that they'll corrupt my thoughts with certain people. My family, yes, but also a few other people. There's a guy who I would never tell if I had a girlfriend because his knowledge of this fact would ruin her (the girlfriend) for me. He's a guy who I'm very close to and have shared many intimate moments with (telling him my secrets, sharing laughs, etc.)

I guess that, ultimately, I'm asking for help in getting rid of this "corrupted people" mentality.
 
I am in the habit of reliving the past too. I really only listen to music or watch movies from my high school era as well. Even rereading books from that era over and over. Thankfully I don't have any thoughts that corrupt the awesome feelings I get from it, however situations I am in often prevent me from doing it and if they go on too long I get really depressed and sad not to have that comfort in my life. As far as your thoughts corrupting it for you I cannot offer any advice unfortunately.. But maybe constant reliving of the past is not healthy for you and your mind is trying to tell you this? I'm not sure. Hopefully its just a stage of growth. Hope this helps, even a little. Be well.
 
When I was in my 20's, I was obsessed with the Victorian era and felt frustrated because the clothes were too expensive to buy. However, my husband purchased an amazing cape for me. It was made of wool and fawn green and had a hood and I did wear it and had quite a few admiring comments.

I am obsessed with colour; have always loved colour, but it became an obsession and I feel ill when I do not have a particular colour in my wardrobe, but because it is so bizarre, my husband fails to understand and so, I cannot beg him to release me from this obsession and have had to deal with it.

Since I discovered I get obsessed ( I saw an avid interest), but my husband pointed out that he cannot believe how quickly I get obsessed and so, on realising that, I can, up to a certain point, control it. If I feel that I am sliding, I am quick to rectify it.
 
There are moments in my past where I was bullied, or got into fights that were disastrous emotionally, or friendships broke up for reasons that were probably my fault. And I just don't want to think about them. They make my stomach turn. I let large chunks of High School disappear from memory. Never talk about, barely think about it.

Is that what you are feeling @jamesaldrin? You hate mixing your treasured memories with the painful ones?
 
I think I know the general idea you're trying to express. These things are really difficult to put into words, and I commend you for trying. Goodness knows how much time I've spent trying to articulate stuff. Maybe it succeeded in the end, or maybe I just no longer have the need to articulate it because I've found my own clarity about it.

I think that if you're aware that certain people / relationships have a tendency to make things difficult then it's good to just be aware, and exercising caution in those relationships is fine. You don't have to share anything with anyone if you don't want to. Maybe the reason for holding back seems a little silly, but that's just where you are right now and more than anything else I think the most important thing we should practice in any difficult internal situation, regardless of what the situation is, is being compassionate to ourselves.

I want to say that these dynamics will eventually pass, because, well, everything does. Thank goodness for change. Our relationships with our interests are dynamic (should find another word here, but you get what I mean... it is living, subject to change, growth, the coming of new aspects and the going of the old). Sometimes it's just about hanging there until change comes and somehow remaining open enough in our hearts and minds to be receptive to it when it does. Practicing being compassionate to ourselves can help lessen the hellishness of it all.

Do you have any experience working through things like this in the past or is it totally new?
 
There are moments in my past where I was bullied, or got into fights that were disastrous emotionally, or friendships broke up for reasons that were probably my fault. And I just don't want to think about them. They make my stomach turn. I let large chunks of High School disappear from memory. Never talk about, barely think about it.

Is that what you are feeling @jamesaldrin? You hate mixing your treasured memories with the painful ones?

I treasure both my happy and sad memories from high school (in contrast from you). I hate mixing thoughts about the people who have a "disgusting" energy to them in my mind with my treasured high school memories.

I think I know the general idea you're trying to express. These things are really difficult to put into words, and I commend you for trying. Goodness knows how much time I've spent trying to articulate stuff. Maybe it succeeded in the end, or maybe I just no longer have the need to articulate it because I've found my own clarity about it.

I think that if you're aware that certain people / relationships have a tendency to make things difficult then it's good to just be aware, and exercising caution in those relationships is fine. You don't have to share anything with anyone if you don't want to. Maybe the reason for holding back seems a little silly, but that's just where you are right now and more than anything else I think the most important thing we should practice in any difficult internal situation, regardless of what the situation is, is being compassionate to ourselves.

I want to say that these dynamics will eventually pass, because, well, everything does. Thank goodness for change. Our relationships with our interests are dynamic (should find another word here, but you get what I mean... it is living, subject to change, growth, the coming of new aspects and the going of the old). Sometimes it's just about hanging there until change comes and somehow remaining open enough in our hearts and minds to be receptive to it when it does. Practicing being compassionate to ourselves can help lessen the hellishness of it all.

Do you have any experience working through things like this in the past or is it totally new?

I've tried a number of strategies over the years to cope with the "disgusting people" mentality, with varying success. I remember being in middle school and saying the word "disable" whenever I got the vibe that grosses me out from somebody.

By being compassionate to myself, do you mean that it's okay to give in to my need to keep my family / other people with the vibe and my interests separate?

Yeah, I'm also thinking that this will pass as change through out my life. Dynamic.
 
I've been introspective of my past my entire adult life.

Though I suspect in my case it may be an Aspie trait given that we have so many problems interacting with others, always going back long after the fact trying to analyze "what went wrong". Not a particularly pleasant trip for me down "memory lane".

Since my self awareness of being on the spectrum, I too tend to focus on a particular point in time relative to my relationships with significant others.
 
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Okay.
I'm interested in the "disgusting energy" people.

I have people in my life now that I just don't tell things about myself to. A simple case of "I don't want you to have any access to my Heart and Soul."

But that's a present day thing. Real time.

How much they infect my image of the past... I guess our brains have taken different paths to dealing with those people.
 

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