Desperate for help and advice - I am sure this is the Love of my life

[mariecurie]

Hello everyone,
Being in a relationship with this guy for 4 months now and I am certain I've never felt a stronger attraction/love. We met on the internet, I approached him because he was interesting. I never regretted it. We clicked like a clock. He has AS, but Im sure this is partially why I love him so much. He said he loved me too. Everytime we're together it feels like the peak of my life. I am 2 years older and I have more experience than him which seemed to bother him, but he broke through. We're both suicidal, I have an assortiment of mental disorders. In a way, we're alike. We used to say we're the same person. Not anymore.

Everything was great before he asked me about previous relationships. I told him everything, including that one night stand I once had out of curiosity (+all the details surrounding it, because he asked). It was a month before I tried killing myself and three months before I met him. He broke down and nothing is the same for him ever since. For him, if you once turn slutty, all is lost and never forgiven. If i offer my body to anyone, it makes him not special and not good enough. He says he keeps thinking about it even though he doesn't want to. After I said multiple times, what exactly the intention was and convinced him in every way i know that Im not a slut and never was and never will be, I offered him all the books/media I know about mind over matter, but his brain seems to be wired differently. Last night, he tried breaking up with me because he said he doesnt want to hurt me. He also said he'll never love me as purely again and he doesn't see a future with me. But when I asked him what he wants, he was certain he wants the life with me and to be normal and happy. In the end, I told him what hes doing will hurt me far more than anything else. So I guess we're still together, but it doesn't really feel like it. Its really dellicate to talk about this since literally nothing I tried convinced him to forgive me. I know we'll both die out of hating ourselves for not keeping the other.

He keeps asking me to help him as if he was drowning and I have no idea what to do anymore. I beg you, people, help.

 

[StephF]

I don't think you can salvage this relationship. If he has changed his mind there isn't anything you can do.

It is sad that he chose to act this way when you were honest to him and that to me suggests that he is not "the one" for you.
I'm sorry that this has made you unhappy.

 

[mariecurie]

I've seen this coming. Still any other options?

 

[Judge]

I have to agree with Steph. It sounds terribly unfair for him to be so judgmental. The further he goes through life as a adult, the more likely that most everyone he comes into contact may be more emotionally and sexually experienced than he is.

Though admittedly some people do have rather strict moral values in accordance with some belief systems, not necessarily indicative of his neurology at all. Unless perhaps, if he is some kind of germaphobe and obsessed with STDs whether real or imaginary.

Personally I have a "don't ask/don't tell" mentality when it comes to past relationships. I see no advantage in discussing them in any particular detail. The ideal that a suitable partner must be "chaste" seems an utterly unrealistic expectation to me. But then I also don't experience envy or jealousy like most people...which I do likely attribute to my own neurology.

Unfortunately there's no instant remedy for one to suddenly gain maturity that they may lack over such a concern. Let him go.

 

[Lena_C]

Love is to love somebody for being who they are, and who they were.
I don't see there's any right or wrong, I can see there's only compatible or not.
Some people appreciate honesty, while some people like to hear what they WANT to hear.
In my opinion, being dishonest is toxic to a relationship.
So if he can't accept your past for whatever reason, you better move on.
I see that strong attraction isn't prove he is your Mr.right, but only you take him seriously.
Oh, love is blindness so don't let Love to control your mind.
If you believe there'll be someone who truly appreciate you for being who you are, then your Mr.right is definitely still on the way to grab your hand.

 

[nowwhat]

Someone with a bit more experience in life needs to gently set him straight. Maybe he will listen. Oh and don't trust your heart. It is the enemy we can't live without.

 

[Tom]

Yeah, I have seen this before with AS. Fixed thinking, inflexible. Him getting professional counseling might help, and be what he needs to counter the drowning feeling. He needs help with his cognitive thinking but it has to come from a source he believes professionally competent and objective.

 

[tree]

mariecurie

This is a relationship of four months duration?
And the fellow is 20 years old?

Do you mean you met him 4 months ago?
Or that you have known him for some time and
only began to feel serious about each other 4 months ago?

 

[Tanya]

This may sound crazy, but maybe he's just trying to dominate you? After all he hasn't ditched you yet, has he?

 

[Cali Cat]

I'm sorry for your situation, but I must be blunt. This fellow never loved you. He loved an image in his head that he applied to you. When you told him things that burst his bubble, he could no longer reconcile you with his fantasy.

The desperate pleas for you to help him concerns me also. He seems to be a drowning man searching for his rescuer. As tempting as it might be to try and fulfill that role, I guarantee you you'll never succeed. Only he can save himself, as only you can save yourself. Two wrongs together don't make a right. My late husband and I tried that. It didn't have a happy ending. After 21 years together, he still ended up committing suicide.

If you are both suicidal, then a relationship is the last thing you need. It can make you feel better for awhile, but then problems like the one you're dealing with arise, and things become even worse. Love causes more problems than it solves, and it takes two mental strong people to make it work.

Best of luck to you both, but I would let this one go if I were you.

 

[Tanya]

Thinking about it, I think you are right, Cali Cat.

 

[mariecurie]

Thank you everyone for your opinions. I appreciate the help.

tree I met him in 2014, but we started talking in December last year. We started 'dating' in Feb.

Cali Cat Thank you for this.

I am really uncertain right now. He said he doesn't know. I told him to take his time. Now all I have to do is wait...

I can see how pathetic and desperate this is, but I also know how improbable it is to find pure love like this one. This is why I'll never let go.

 

[Cali Cat]

...
I can see how pathetic and desperate this is, but I also know how improbable it is to find pure love like this one. This is why I'll never let go.

Yes, pure love is rare ... I'm waiting for someone too, and still clinging to hope, but I also know that feelings are not reality. If you put too much faith in feelings, you run the risk of missing real, solid opportunities that could be awaiting you in the future. You're young. You have time.

 

[garnetflower13]

CaliCat, you're so right! I regret all the time I wasted thinking that I was in love, only to have the reality knock me over every time.

 

[Cali Cat]

CaliCat, you're so right! I regret all the time I wasted thinking that I was in love, only to have the reality knock me over every time.

That's because romantic love is a feeling, while genuine love is a commitment ... a choice. It's actions ... actions that benefit the one you love, or their actions that benefit you.

All the romance, flowery words and intimacy are just fine, but it's only when difficulties arise that you really know whether you (and your loved one) have the determination to lift the relationship above the obstacles in your path. It always takes two. One partner is never strong enough to carry an entire relationship alone. That's not love, it's martyrdom.

Of course, one will never find "true" love if one never falls in love at all. As the man says, "Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." Or, as I say, "I would rather live a life of oh well's than a life of what if's."

 

[garnetflower13]

That's because romantic love is a feeling, while genuine love is a commitment ... a choice. It's actions ... actions that benefit the one you love, or their actions that benefit you.

All the romance, flowery words and intimacy are just fine, but it's only when difficulties arise that you really know whether you (and your loved one) have the determination to lift the relationship above the obstacles in your path. It always takes two. One partner is never strong enough to carry an entire relationship alone. That's not love, it's martyrdom.

Of course, one will never find "true" love if one never falls in love at all. As the man says, "Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." Or, as I say, "I would rather live a life of oh well's than a life of what if's."

Yes, I definitely learned about romantic love being just a feeling. It was certainly a diversion! The realities of being in a relationship are certainly not always romantic. Sometimes, but not always.

 

[Maelstrom]

Somethings should stay private....a boyfriend or girlfriend should not be treated as a confessional priest. My sympathies to you mariecurie ,in these troubled times just finding a kind unselfish person to love you is almost more than one can hope for. I think it is very unrealistic to hope for a virginal princess now days, your boyfriend is being stupid....he will regret this later.

 

[garnetflower13]

My 2 cents, mariecurie; some things to ask yourself when seeking a loving relationship are, how will this person stand up to times of mutual stress? If you have children together? If one of you gets ill, or is not able to find work? If this guy is already having trouble dealing with who you were how will he deal with a future together? Don't you deserve someone who will love you despite perceived faults? In a way, he set you up to let you down by insisting that you tell him about your past relationships, and then having a problem with it.

 

[Maelstrom]

Thank you everyone for your opinions. I appreciate the help.

tree I met him in 2014, but we started talking in December last year. We started 'dating' in Feb.

Cali Cat Thank you for this.

I am really uncertain right now. He said he doesn't know. I told him to take his time. Now all I have to do is wait...

I can see how pathetic and desperate this is, but I also know how improbable it is to find pure love like this one. This is why I'll never let go.

If you really think he is worth trying to keep...take him to a minister for couseling on this maybe you can talk it out and patch things up. But don't be so open about such information in the future, I like honesty like Lena_C ,but not everyone is strong enough to handle somethings....sometimes less is better.

I personally wouldn't think it gentlemanly to ask a lady such intimate questions tho either.

 

[Maelstrom]

My basic line is my lady should give me a heads up if a being alone socially with a ex-romantic partner situation may happen, so it can be discussed....this is as much about preventing temptation, as trust issues. But other than that I do not wish to hear any past gory romantic details myself.