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[twilightzone76]

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[Judge]

For me it's kind of like holding my hand under a stream of water that runs anywhere from ice cold to searing hot. Feeling an occasional need to withdraw, yet frequently seeking the comfort of warm and cool waters and even possibly in the same time frame.

How do I control the water temperature? I don't.

Sorry if you were looking for any kind of real emotional consistency. It simply doesn't exist in my world. Which is inevitably influenced by OCD and chronic clinical depression.

How would I feel being loved? That's easy. Through tolerance and time- in that order. Because none of my lovers ever adapted to tolerating me over time. Make no mistake about it though. I can relate to what a "tall order" that is likely to be for most any NT. I suspect an overwhelming majority of you would simply not be up to it.

 

[xDominiel]

I think this varies quite a bit from person to person - I feel love the same way you describe, a warm intense feeling deep inside.

 

[Judge]

Thanks Judge, you always describe things so eliquently. So, if I'm understanding correctly you know that your like for someone has turned to love because the "water" goes from cool to hot? And then sometimes hot gets overwhelming so you need to go back to cool for a while?

Do you feel anything in particular when it's hot?

I suppose at that moment that's when I'm most in tune with love along the lines my NT partner's desires and expectations. But it doesn't last and I can't predict or control when it may go cold.

Where outside, unrelated pressures can have devastating results on personal interactions- even my closest ones.

 

[jamesaldrin]

I don't think I've ever felt a warm, intense feeling of love for somebody. I've felt "oneitis" (look it up), but I wouldn't call that love.

 

[jamesaldrin]

From what I gather, oneitis is more of a brief obsession or special interest that is superficial and does not last the way love does??

Thats one way to look at it. I look at more as a one-sided obsession, whereas falling in love is not an obsession because its two sided.

 

[OkRad]

It could be that he does not love you. I don't mean to be mean. There are many people who think they love someone but then REALLY fall in love with a person they DO have those feelings for.

I don't buy that auties and aspies and neurodiverse people have no feelings. I think it is just harder for them to find people they feel for.

Only he can judge that, so please do not be offended. I have been on both sides of this so I know love can twist up the heart and it can bring it to life and be the greatest succor!!

The bottom line is YOU DON'T FEEL loved and you deserve to feel that with someone who will give you want you need. I only say that because you are not committed and you are both wondering. Don't live your life wondering. You have one life! Don't settle for someone that does not make you feel how YOU WANT TO FEEL or you will end up in over your head and then trying to get out of it at a later date.

 

[Bolletje]

As with pretty much everything, there's no universal way Aspies experience emotions, as we're not all the same person just because we have the same disorder. Imagine asking "how do short people feel love?" I don't mean to attack you personally, but I've been seeing so many posts lately about NT/Aspie relationships in which the NT person basically says "My partner does this thing I don't like, is this because he/she is an Aspie?" which is quite impossible to answer. We're just people with our own personalities and character traits, who happen to have a disorder. The disorder does not define who we are.

Okay, condescending rant over, back on topic:
I'm a very emotional person, I just choose not to express those feelings most of the time.
I'm lucky enough to be surrounded by a wonderful boyfriend, great friends, and an awesome family. Sometimes I'm overwhelmed by how much I love them and it feels like my chest is about to burst open (but instead of gut-ripping aliens there'd be a flood of rainbows and butterflies and kittens and other gooey lovey things) Or something like this.

So there's the intense feelings and then there's the ratio part of me that differentiates the feelings. Intense love feels the same to me whether it's for a friend or a lover. My thoughts are what distinguishes the two.

 

[Southern Discomfort]

He says he loves me because he "cares what happens to me" and because he wants to do things for me (help me out financially, buy gifts, give flowers, take me to nice dinners etc.).

To me, that sounds like things you could also do or feel for a friend, so where is the differentiation?

This could be in the ball park of alexithymia - not being able to recognise emotions at times.

But you need to understand that this is a disability. What you're essentially trying to do is to get a paraplegic to learn how to use their legs by saying, "You know that feeling of tensing your calf muscle? Surely you know that feeling, I feel it all the time, don't you? If you only knew that feeling then perhaps we could go on a walk together" It doesn't work like that.

 

[xudo]

As with pretty much everything, there's no universal way Aspies experience emotions, as we're not all the same person just because we have the same disorder.

This is exactly right. To quote the phrase used over and over "if you've met one aspie, you've met one aspie."

I've been with my husband (also not NT) for just over 10 years. I couldn't live without him, but I honestly couldn't tell you what it feels like to be in love with him. I know I am, because I want to be with him all the time, look after him, do stuff together and like I said I couldn't live without him...but in terms of the way you describe your love for your ex...nope, I don't get it. If I were to ask my husband, he may have a completely different point of view.

On a huge side note @Bolletje I love the use of the puking gnome from Gravity Falls I have a plushie of him lol

 

[Bolletje]

Being in love is the most amazing feeling....I cant imagine going through life not ever experiencing it. So it sort of gives me an uncomfortable feeling being with someone knowing they will never actually feel that feeling for me

It's the most amazing feeling to you, that you can't imagine living without. But just because he doesn't experience love the same way you do, doesn't mean he doesn't love you. Why does it make you uncomfortable?

Bad analogy, but I couldn't think of a better one: When I watch a movie with my best friend we experience the movie in a vastly different way. She gets completely immersed in the story and the hot protagonist , while I wonder which other shows or movies I've seen each actor in and whether the plot makes sense, and other meta-information. But even though our experience is vastly different, it doesn't mean we can't both enjoy watching the movie and doing so together.

 

[Bolletje]

See, that's what is so foreign to me - I feel such a range of intensity of emotions or levels of love from one person to another. Even when I think back to different relationships from my past, some I can say I didn't have much love for and another I had a tremendous amount of love for. I gauge the intensity based on the feeling it gives me inside and one in particular I can actually still feel pretty intensely years later because we really did have a deep love for each other, unlike anything I have experienced with anyone else.

I'm capable of feeling a range of emotions at different intensities as well. Was that unclear in my post?

 

[Judge]

I must admit, I've appreciated the television series "Doc Martin", particularly in how the lead character with Aspergers Syndrome has had such a difficult time expressing his love and affection for Louisa Glasson.

It may or may not make a lot of sense to people, but it does to me. That it can be a quiet but very real struggle, and often very sad for both persons involved in such a relationship.

 

[xudo]

That's what he says as well - he doesn't know what being in love feels like. He's 42 years old so its not like we're inexperienced individuals here. It just boggles my mind to hear someone say at that age, they don't know what it feels like to be in love. He just assumes he feels that way for someone based on his actions towards them.

Being in love is the most amazing feeling....I cant imagine going through life not ever experiencing it. So it sort of gives me an uncomfortable feeling being with someone knowing they will never actually feel that feeling for me.

Do you and your husband say the words I love you to each other regularly?

My ex has told me that he never says that to anyone first (including family) and when he's basically forced to say it because someone said it to him, he feels very uncomfortable, like he's saying it in front of an audience of 100 people.

You can't imagine going through life not feeling love like you feel it. So it makes no difference to me that I don't feel love for people the same way you do, because the way I experience things is completely different. I can't miss something I've never had.

My husband and I say I love you to each other probably more often than most people. That's just us though. It's pretty much only when we're alone though, and it does make me feel awkward saying it to other people, even my parents. We've never been that sort of family.

 

[Peatsmoke]

Well, I think everything I wanted to say here has already been said, but just to add a couple of thoughts: first, every human being (and probably non-human animals too) experiences emotions in very different ways - AS as well as NT. And love, of all emotions, is a notoriously slippery concept - who can define love? Who can say what it feels like? Nobody seems to agree, at least among people I've talked about it with. To be surprised that somebody experiences love differently from you seems... odd.

Second, I think many people aged 42 would say they've never experienced love (if they're being honest). Many more would say they're not really sure. It's not just an Aspie thing.

Last, just to repeat what others have already said: just because he (and I) experience love in a different way, that doesn't make the feeling any less powerful or valid. I'm also an extremely emotional person, but my love for my girlfriend is probably quite similar to what you describe. I can assure you, though, it's pretty powerful stuff. We just experience the world differently.

 

[Southern Discomfort]

she's made some good strides so that leads me to believe that progress can be made in that area.

Well this could be communicative or it could be emotional problems. Someone would need to determine which one it is or if it's both. And then they'd need to know a method on helping him at a pace he feels comfortable at. Even then though the end result could mine more stress on him to have to look out for what the cue is and for a lot of people that can be too much for the individual and relationships can end over that problem.

 

[Bolletje]

When the subject was brought up a couple of years into our relationship that he rarely says I love you, he insisted that's how all relationships are...in his mind...who the heck says that all the time?!? In an attempt to prove his point he text several of his friends and family (guys) and asked them how often they tell their wife or gf and they all said everyday. He was shocked. Still didn't help him any to get the words out of his mouth though...

So you're feeling insecure because he doesn't say " I love you" often enough, in your view, and you would like him to bring this up more often, am I correct?
Let's play a little thought experiment.

Let's say your favorite food is pizza. You and your partner eat pizza everyday for dinner because you love it. 365 days a year. The pizzas are usually really good. Some days they're great, somedays they're below average. Would you exclaim "I love pizza!"spontaneously every time you eat pizza, or would you feel weird saying this every day, because clearly the both of you know this, it probably hasn't changed overnight, and it feels a bit redundant to mention this over and over again? You might say "I love pizza" when you eat a particularly good pizza. The others are good too, but this day has a pizza that's special, so you feel the need to say this.

Now imagine your partner tells you he feels like you don't love pizzas enough because you don't say you love them often enough, other people are way more vocal in their love of pizzas, he's more vocal in his love of pizza, why aren't you? So he threatens to take pizza off the menu altogether.

Alright, I've never typed the word "pizza" this often in one post. Example over. I just mean to say that I can imagine you feel insecure but you can't train your partner to do this. He's not a dog, he's a person with his own personality. If you need to be reassured more, you probably shouldn't be with him.

 

[Bolletje]

To nuance my last post, I'm not saying you are too needy, I'm just saying you might be asking your ex to fulfill needs he cannot. At least, not as much as you would want.

 

[Mary Terry]

I must admit, I've appreciated the television series "Doc Martin", particularly in how the lead character with Aspergers Syndrome has had such a difficult time expressing his love and affection for Louisa Glasson.

It may or may not make a lot of sense to people, but it does to me. That it can be a quiet but very real struggle, and often very sad for both persons involved in such a relationship.

Doc Martin is supposed to be an Aspie? I thought he wasn't on the spectrum but has major OCD and blood phobia issues. I really like that show, funny as heck sometimes.

 

[Judge]

Doc Martin is supposed to be an Aspie? I thought he wasn't on the spectrum but has major OCD and blood phobia issues. I really like that show, funny as heck sometimes.

Yes. There was even one earlier episode when one of his patients who was a psychiatrist who first suggested it to Dr. Ellingham. (Much to his chagrin!) Perhaps the only time in the show so far that I've seen when anyone actually mentioned Aspergers Syndrome.

Might be interesting if eventually his aunt Ruth chimes in as well, since she is also a psychiatrist and clearly Martin values her opinions.

The way in which he struggles to project and properly time emotion and affection to Louisa strikes me as very much the perspective of some Aspie males. Including myself to some degree. In this respect, on occasion it's actually painful for me to watch.