Dating a NT person

[Merahj]

So I am dating a NT guy. We have been together for a little over a year, still early in the relationship. However, we are having some issues.

From jump, I was honest about my diagnosis. I have Asperger's but it was changed to HFA when the DSM changed. His cousin has autism as well but is low-functioning. Due to the fact that I am HF, he believes I do not have the right to meltdowns which is ludicrous. He also has a nasty habit of trying to be all over me all the time. This often triggers a meltdown. I have told him multiple times that not only do I not like this but it causes me anxiety and he thinks that I do it to a good physical contact.

To be honest, I am not a fan of physical contact all the time but I do not mind hand holding or sitting close in private. I do not do either of those things in public. It feels awkward and once again two years ago when we were just dating, I told him this in detail.

While he does not feel it is a big deal, it drives me crazy. Everyday I count the minutes from when I wake up until my first class. When I get home, I count the minutes until he or I go to work so that I don't have this person hanging on me. I miss him when he isn't there. He gets my weird sense of humor. He likes that I am not constantly checking in and I like that he accepts it but him thinking I can just wish away meltdowns and his full body cuddles make it hard to be around him.

Someone please help me!

 

[Bella Pines]

Sounds to me like a.... relationship.

Whether you are dating or have been married for years, relationships take work, effort and nurturing. As an HFA like me, hopefully you have that logical skill whereby you can break down a problem into the constituent elements.

Sounds like there are several problems that need work.

1. You don't like excessive physical contact, he does. Currently your ground rules are... what? He advances and you retreat? He tries to be affectionate in public and you turn away? He interprets this as what? So if they are the current rules, can you communicate some alternative rules that make a bit more sense?
2. He doesn't understand your meltdowns, and if this is a typical HFA-NT relationship then he will keep badgering you until you meltdown. So what is the current state here? Can you tell yet when a meltdown is coming? Does he understand what sensory overload is? Has he done any research into aspergers? So if this is the current state, can you patiently (over many years ) try to explain how your brain works?

Whatever the problem, a way forward is communication. Which actually works both ways. If you patiently explain how your brain works, have you taken the time to try and understand how his brain works?

Someone please help me!

People can give their perspective on the problem, people can relay their experiences, but ultimately you have to help yourself and if you can make even the tiniest bit of progress on any of these problems then do please post the results, HFA-NT relationships are one of the biggest challenges us aspies face!

 

[Merahj]

I guess help was the wrong word to use. I want alternative theories.

My ground rules are no, zero, PDA. No, he advances and if he is overly touchy, I let him know. As for alternative rules, I am still trying to get him to understand that so much touching is like electric shocks to me.
Before we can agree on alternative rules, he has to understand that basic truth.

Yes, I can tell when a meltdown is coming. Usually when I have had too much I walk away or tell him I need alone time which sometimes works. He does understand sensory overload BUT only in his low functioning cousin. For some reason he truly believes since I am high functioning, I should be able to reason through it. I have tried explaining that though i am HFA and his cousin is not we both have sensory issues.
He knows about Asperger's and ASD but because I am HFA he thinks the rules and symptoms and issues do not apply to me. I explained exactly how I am while we were dating. I was very upfront about how my brain works and that I only like limited touching.

I need to break through on 2 things.

1. I am HFA and just because I can function closer to NT'S in speech and can mimic social behavior that does not mean he is not going to see meltdowns and sensory issues.

2. His touching me and laying all over me causes me pain and I don't like. If he keeps doing it, he will catch me on a bad/hard day and I could injure one or both of us if I have a full blown meltdown.

 

[Bella Pines]

Yes, I can tell when a meltdown is coming. Usually when I have had too much I walk away or tell him I need alone time which sometimes works.

I've had a few situations where I have done this, but without understanding what I needed, my NT husband followed me! Not a good idea. Resulted in a severe crockery shortage and sharp shards of china all over the kitchen floor. That was many years ago now, we're in our 17th year.

I love the clarity of HFA. We know the rules and we are clear on what we need. The NTs then come along with a dense inability to comprehend basic concepts and fuzz up the world.

I need to break through on 2 things.

1. I am HFA and just because I can function closer to NT'S in speech and can mimic social behavior that does not mean he is not going to see meltdowns and sensory issues.

Of course he will see the meltdowns. You say "he believes I do not have the right to meltdowns", but he believes that and is entitled to his belief. You almost sound like you are offended or angry that he would think this. NTs have all sorts of crazy beliefs, we will never change that. On the flip side, you will have meltdowns, we all do, there is too much data to process.

But you cannot explain the complexities of your brain to him overnight, just keep chipping away at it, give him articles to read, try to explain small examples. Accept that his is just slower on the uptake than us.

2. His touching me and laying all over me causes me pain and I don't like. If he keeps doing it, he will catch me on a bad/hard day and I could injure one or both of us if I have a full blown meltdown.

You won't hurt him. Despite absolutely losing control and shouting at the top of my voice and throwing things, there was an element of control. Deep, deep inside there was that calculating control that made me smash the plates on the floor and not frisbee them at his head.

This is probably the more immediate problem. Since you have a clear grasp of the rules, maybe write them down for him? Stick them on the fridge? Make some small concessions like hand holding in private?

And still I see a lot of rules about what you need but not so much about how his brain works?

 

[Merahj]

We do handheld in private. We can be affectionate in private but I do not want him laying on me. I mean that literally. He will put as much of his body on me as he can if I would let him.

I am not offended but flabbergasted because he is fine and acknowledges his autistic cousin's meltdowns and sensory issues but not his autistic girlfriend. It is truly puzzling.

 

[Bella Pines]

And never boring I swear one day I will write a humorous comic strip about my NT husbands quirks, sometimes he even contradicts himself.

 

[Keigan]

We all listen differently and some times we simply don't hear the message coming our way.

Try writing your needs into a note, very straight forward expression as simple as:

'I'm not comfortable holding hands in public and I need your support on this'

That communicates your boundary and asks for him to support and respect that boundary. In a note, he might actually accept your communication and message. If not, then you can try other things.

 

[Judge]

Due to the fact that I am HF, he believes I do not have the right to meltdowns which is ludicrous. He also has a nasty habit of trying to be all over me all the time. This often triggers a meltdown. I have told him multiple times that not only do I not like this but it causes me anxiety and he thinks that I do it to a good physical contact.

To be honest, I am not a fan of physical contact all the time but I do not mind hand holding or sitting close in private. I do not do either of those things in public. It feels awkward and once again two years ago when we were just dating, I told him this in detail.

While he does not feel it is a big deal, it drives me crazy.

Someone please help me!

Strange that while he's had some contact and understanding of LFA, he cannot seem to correlate it to HFA. Sad that he cannot understand how compartmentalized HFA can be. That just because we might appear NT in some aspects, doesn't mean that we can in other aspects. That all our traits and behaviors must be individually assessed as to whether or not we can- or want to change them.

This is what you must convey to him. That he cannot make such assumptions as they are simply neurologically incorrect. He must deal with all of our "inconsistencies" individually, and not collectively assume we can somehow and quite miraculously "be" Neurotypical on demand. That in most cases while at times we may look the part, it is just an act to pacify those around us. The best we can ultimately do to "fit in". And that it's not something we can emotionally or physically sustain indefinitely.

If he wants or demands more than that, then show him the door.

 

[Keigan]

I am not offended but flabbergasted because he is fine and acknowledges his autistic cousin's meltdowns and sensory issues but not his autistic girlfriend. It is truly puzzling.

He has deeper issues if he can't recognize and respect you as an individual. Set boundaries, if he does not respect those boundaries then it is time to make decisions towards possibly moving on.