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Confusion with Boyfriend

A

aspiegirlfriend

Member
My boyfriend of 9 months is leaving me so confused. I am struggling to figure out what's going on or if I should just forget it and move on. He tells me how much he cares about me in all ways. He calls me the cutest names and we have the most wonderful text conversations. He has come to see me on several occasions and we have always had a wonderful time. He doesn't like to talk on the phone which I find strange but have just put it down to him needing space or needing to communicate that way because it's easier for him. He has a brilliant mind and holds down a very demanding and senior position with several staff under him. He works very very hard and says his having this position is really a miracle. I have told him I am very proud of him that way. Our sex life has been amazing in the times we have gotten together.

He opened up to me yesterday about having a social disorder. Apparently he tells me that his whole family and one family of cousins has this disorder. I figured out quite a while ago that he has aspergers however we hadn't discussed it till the other night. He said he has zero ability to tell if a woman likes him although he knows for sure when he likes a woman. He expresses pain about so many things particularly that he never married and never had children. The pain around this is profound. When he opened up to me, I thanked him for telling me and expressed that it must have been so difficult his whole life to have to go through this. I thanked him for sharing. He told me that I don't understand him and to just drop the topic...he shouldn't have told me...it really doesn't involve me.

So after having these wonderful and candid conversations, he sends me a message this morning and tells me that our conversations were "strange". He wished me to have a wonderful day. I texted him back and said I enjoyed our conversation and found it to be so nice. I haven't heard from him since.

I have cut communication with him totally a few times because I can't take it anymore and feel it is going nowhere. He will then text me on Saturday evening and I know he is just checking to see if I am out with someone else. It's kind of endearing because I know he cares and gets jealous but he hasn't made effort to come and see me recently. If I ask him he doesn't answer. He just tells me we will see each other again "soon". I am sure he is not dating anyone else.

I adore this guy more than any one I have ever met before. I asked him exactly what he is looking for. He says he wants a girlfriend. I have said I am looking for a relationship. I think that may confuse him. He doesn't want to be part of my "family" and that's fine with me. We are older and I don't see him coming to family functions, etc. I do however want him to meet my kids so they know who he is and what a great guy he is.

Sometimes I think it is so much work with him that it isn't even worth it. He says he wants to see me but he doesn't make the effort. He says he sees us being together in our older age. His words and actions don't align. He says he sometimes finds me intimidating.

I feel like I am going crazy.. What is going on here and is this part of his social disorder? Is it too hard or too much work for him to see me? Does he struggle with social cues from me and this is causing him anxiety? He says that is just silly to think like that. The pattern I find is if I ask him if he would like to get together, he often doesn't answer and then disappears for a couple of days. When he resurfaces he will tell me he is spending time with his family or he is swamped with work. I believe him but it leaves me with nothing. Any suggestions or insight? Thanks so much.
 
Aspie tend to take everything very literally, so he may not be understanding half of what you're trying to say in your conversations. If it's not blunt then there's always the chance of being misinterpreted. As for him pulling away, this is not uncommon, aspies generally need a lot of space (I know I do) and may not always express our love in conventional ways. But the fact he has opened up to you says he likes you a lot. Perhaps a candid conversation where it's all layed out, bare bone, might help. It does sound like a difficult situation though. Wish you the best of luck!
 
Momo said:
Aspie tend to take everything very literally, so he may not be understanding half of what you're trying to say in your conversations. If it's not blunt then there's always the chance of being misinterpreted. As for him pulling away, this is not uncommon, aspies generally need a lot of space (I know I do) and may not always express our love in conventional ways. But the fact he has opened up to you says he likes you a lot. Perhaps a candid conversation where it's all layed out, bare bone, might help. It does sound like a difficult situation though. Wish you the best of luck!
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Thanks ever so much. You pointed something out to me. He often says he doesn't really know what we are talking about. Is it easier for him if I am concise and blunt? For months I have been saying "You are such a sweet man" Yesterday he asked me what a sweet man is? He asked if it meant nice. I told him it means he is special.
 
aspiegirlfriend said:
Thanks ever so much. You pointed something out to me. He often says he doesn't really know what we are talking about. Is it easier for him if I am concise and blunt? For months I have been saying "You are such a sweet man" Yesterday he asked me what a sweet man is? He asked if it meant nice. I told him it means he is special.
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Yes, you are better to be strait forward with him because he cannot easily pick up on body language ques to read between the lines of a conversation. It can be very inconvenient at times, being blunt and words without double-meanings are best.
 
maybe opening up to you about his disorder was something that he profoundly feels uncomfortable and embarrassed about, talking about it subjects him to another person's judgement, maybe previously talking about it to other people he cared about has led to painful rejection, maybe he thinks that him telling you those things has changed the way you look at him and he may just be too frightened or insecure to come back and to face your rejection

you will notice all the maybe's above, i'm also on the spectrum, i have the bad habit of playing out scenario's in my head and i assume that based on my logic and experiences i can know what other people are thinking, when i'm actually dead wrong, my NT gf has been incredibly understanding of me, in return i have tried to give her a 'manual' of how i think and react to things

one thing i can say is that when i'm done with someone, i cut them out entirely, i wouldn't still be contacting them
 
OlLiE said:
maybe opening up to you about his disorder was something that he profoundly feels uncomfortable and embarrassed about, talking about it subjects him to another person's judgement, maybe previously talking about it to other people he cared about has led to painful rejection, maybe he thinks that him telling you those things has changed the way you look at him and he may just be too frightened or insecure to come back and to face your rejection

you will notice all the maybe's above, i'm also on the spectrum, i have the bad habit of playing out scenario's in my head and i assume that based on my logic and experiences i can know what other people are thinking, when i'm actually dead wrong, my NT gf has been incredibly understanding of me, in return i have tried to give her a 'manual' of how i think and react to things

one thing i can say is that when i'm done with someone, i cut them out entirely, i wouldn't still be contacting them
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Wow....that was very insightful. Thanks so much for this. I believe a lot of your maybes are real possibilities for him. There is something so special about him that I keep trying to figure him out. Obviously he trusts me tremendously as it was difficult for him to reach out that way. The fact is he has told me I am so good for him, and I feel he is very good for me. I could have and maybe should have given up on him long ago. He says for some reason fate brought us together. I believe the same.

It's been two days since he told me about his "social disorder" and both yesterday morning and this morning he has mentioned that our conversation about that was weird and blown way out of proportion.

He is concerned about having to be part of my circle of family and friends which is huge. He doesn't want to be a huge part of my kids lives because he is not their Dad. He also doesn't want to live together.
These I assume would be stressors for him. None of these are issues for me at all but I haven't conveyed that clearly to him. That will be my next move. I hope that we can make this work. What he wants is basically the same as what I want.

Thanks again for your input. That was so helpful.
 
I do not feel that I can really add to all the excellent comments in this thread, except to say that seeing such interest and understanding from an NT like you is very heartening.
 
Thanks so very much. I do care and I am so trying to be understanding. Update....I took the wonderful advice and sent him a very specific note about how I am non judgemental, that I don't want to change him or who he is and that I am understanding. He was very annoyed and said I had blown everything way out of proportion. He says he regrets having said anything to me about it. He told me that one of his previous girlfriends just made a joke out of his not getting the social cues and that he wished I could have handled it more like she did. I honestly feel like it would just be easier to say goodbye. I feel like I am living in a straight jacket and being muffled. Thanks to everyone for their kindness. I am not sure what I will do next if anything. I am beyond frustrated. because I am absolutely certain he adores me. He has told me so on so many ocassions. Grrrrrrrr.
 
aspiegirlfriend said:
Thanks so very much. I do care and I am so trying to be understanding. Update....I took the wonderful advice and sent him a very specific note about how I am non judgemental, that I don't want to change him or who he is and that I am understanding. He was very annoyed and said I had blown everything way out of proportion. He says he regrets having said anything to me about it. He told me that one of his previous girlfriends just made a joke out of his not getting the social cues and that he wished I could have handled it more like she did. I honestly feel like it would just be easier to say goodbye. I feel like I am living in a straight jacket and being muffled. Thanks to everyone for their kindness. I am not sure what I will do next if anything. I am beyond frustrated. because I am absolutely certain he adores me. He has told me so on so many ocassions. Grrrrrrrr.
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It does sound very frustrating. That last bit you mentioned makes me wonder if he is testing you, or he might be afraid of his own feelings. I have ended relationships because of being overwhelmed by my own intense and/or turbulent feelings. They felt like more than I could endure.

I do not know whether you have already run across this saying yet, "Once you meet one Aspie, you have met one Aspie. We are different, so whatever I say about how I feel about relationships won't necessarily apply to your situation. Thought I would try anyway.

The description of your Aspie Honey sounds as if he has been very successful in an NT world, so he is likely to have managed to become more similar to an NT than most Aspies here have managed to do. Aspie care and handling might not apply to him so much. His wishing that you would treat his having Aspergers like a joke does not sound very typical ND. I even resent that. I also feel sympathy for you about having to deal with it after all of your trouble.
 
Thanks...yes, I believe he is afraid of his own feelings. I can not change that or his social fears. I replied to him last night and told him that all I can say is if he really wanted to see me he would do anything in his power to do so. Clearly that is not happening so it will be what it will be.

You are correct that sometimes the turbulance is too much to endure. Its funny but last week we had limited contact and I was feeling on top of the world...very productive and positive. In a few short days of contact, I am feeling worn out, weary and sad.
It has become far too turbulent to endure.

Funnily enough, early this morning I have a text on my phone and all it says is "Good Morning Sweet Bride" which is his pet name for me. No reference to my email to him...nothing but a simple good morning as if nothing has even happened.

When you feel you are losing your dignity, self worth, and integrity, it can never be worth it. Sadly, I must let him go. The turbulence is far too much to endure.

Thanks ever so much for your assistance. You have helped more than you will ever know. The best advice ever on this site. Thanks.
 
It is good to know that I have been able to help you, since you already helped keep my spirits up in my ongoing search for a partner who can stand me and vice versa.

That ongoing turbulence with your ex-boyfriend sounds more like addictive behavior than just Aspergers. I had to break up with a guy I liked a lot also for about the same reason. It hurt to give him up, but he made it impossible for me to have what I need out of life because of his chaos addiction.

It is good to know what will not work for you. I hope you recover and find the right partner.
 
Alaska said:
It is good to know that I have been able to help you, since you already helped keep my spirits up in my ongoing search for a partner who can stand me and vice versa.

That ongoing turbulence with your ex-boyfriend sounds more like addictive behavior than just Aspergers. I had to break up with a guy I liked a lot also for about the same reason. It hurt to give him up, but he made it impossible for me to have what I need out of life because of his chaos addiction.

It is good to know what will not work for you. I hope you recover and find the right partner.
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You sound lovely and you have helped me tremendously.
Don't give up on finding a partner because there are lots of people like me who are well read on many things. I always look for the best case scenario. My dear Dad was pcshyzophrenic and having gone through the pain of that with him for many years, you develop a total understanding of how different things can impact lives. I loved him dearly and funnily enough I think that's why I cared so much for this guy. He had many similar traits to my Dad in his naivety and his humour and quick wit.
My Dad was so loveable and yet so misunderstood. I saw that in this guy and was prepared to work through things that have caused him incredible pain.
I will recover and take this last experience with me. On the plus side I now have incredible knowledge of aspergers and it's effect on people. Every stepping stone in life is an opportunity to learn more about things as you go along.

Don't you give up nor will I on finding the right partner...it is a very long process but hopefully we will both have happy endings.....Be well.
 
Alaska said:
That ongoing turbulence with your ex-boyfriend sounds more like addictive behavior than just Aspergers. I had to break up with a guy I liked a lot also for about the same reason. It hurt to give him up, but he made it impossible for me to have what I need out of life because of his chaos addiction.
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Just curious. When you say "chaos addiction", do you mean this in a nebulous sense, or something much more precise such as "histrionic personality disorder" ?

I've encountered only two people in my life who seemed to fit the description, and found them utterly exhausting to be around for even the most brief of times.
 
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