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Confused between what is thought, said, meant to say

Discussion in 'Friends, Family & Social Skills' started by Marvin, Mar 20, 2014.

  1. Marvin

    Marvin Active Member

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    Seems to he a common problem between my NT family and I. Let me explain, when I communicate, I say what I mean and mean what I say. There is no disparity, no hidden agendas, no between the lines. Accuracy and consistency makes for simple and direct expression on my part. My family however pick at the non existent hidden meanings, and leap to unrelated conclusions, often getting offended along the way.

    By contrast, when they communicate, what they mean, as opposed to what they meant to say, and to what they actually do say can all be different. At this point I am at fault for not picking up on their disparity and again they become offended.

    Does anyone else have this issue?
     
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  2. Ereth

    Ereth Well-Known Member

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    Welcome to my world. In fairness to your family (and mine), it's very, very easy to jump to conclusions. I imagine that very few people are as blunt as Aspies tend to be, so don't be too upset with your folks---their perceptions of social cues and language are bound to differ from yours.
     
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  3. TCJ

    TCJ New Member

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    Yes. All the time.
     
  4. Turk

    Turk Well-Known Member

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    Ive actually evolved the process one step further. I can start to say something, have my wife finish the sentence, and then be angry with me for that statement, even though it didnt come from my mouth. Then she gets even more annoyed, when she asks for an apology, to which I reply " sorry you managed to insult yourself ". I get in enough trouble for what I say let alone when people try and predict what Im gunna say.
     
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  5. Jordan

    Jordan Technology Advocate

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    Definitely. Often I don't say anything to anyone unless spoken to. If I do say something to prove a point, then I get in trouble for what I said to someone, because I have a way of thinking that none of my other family members do.

    I think they are still trying to adjust to the AS diagnosis, or using it to their advantage, but I act fair. Until someone causes an argument it can cause anxiety and makes me want to leave that social situation. I often never get involved in gossip or discussion because people often judge what I say and take it seriously. I then take to the "silent treatment" because it calms me down, and I often sit there quiet.
     
  6. nowwhat

    nowwhat Well-Known Member

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    Yes, I deal with this, too. Nearly everyone else communicates using a code that's not in my firmware. It's too complex, subtle and contextual for me to learn via software update, so......Interestingly enough, I have, over the years developed a sense of humor, mostly as a coping mechanism, and I then create misunderstandings in the chatbox here, cause I'm being wry with some of the very very dead-ahead aspies here.

    I generate misunderstandings, as a forest does oxygen.
     
  7. Marvin

    Marvin Active Member

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    Love the firmware/software reference, it explains so very much with such simplicity.

    Turk that happens to me sometimes too, although I don't mind it when they are actually accurate with the assumed response (i'm somewhat impressed they'd get it right). Its when they get the assumptions wrong, then misinterpretation cascade ensues.

    To add to the complexity there are values placed on comments and expressions that are irrelevant to the actual statements themselves, oh why can't humans just make things simple
     
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  8. Sportster

    Sportster Aged to Perfection

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    Sheesh, I thought I was the only one with this "problem!!!" It about drove me insane when I was younger, because my mother would say one thing and mean another, or she'd say something expecting me to "read between the lines" and know what she was trying to say. When I speak, the words I say have no hidden meanings, agendas, nothing. They fully convey the point I'm trying to make. As I've matured, I've learned how to temper them to keep from being offensive. Which is to say, I don't speak as much as I used to.
     
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