Coming out to significant other?

[nyxjord]

Okay I'm sure this might sound weird but I was diagnosed as having HFA almost a year ago and I still haven't come out to my fiance. We have been together for five years and he never had his children with his ex-wife vaccinated because she (and he, consequently) are part of the group that believe that vaccines cause ASD. They are still both adamant believers of this. Obviously it is quite difficult for me to come to him with thus diagnosis-- how will he react to finding out the person he is planning on marrying has the very thing that he/they so desperately hate/fear.. So much so that they'd endanger the kids' lives in order to prevent the kids from getting that very thing? I honestly think if I tell him it will be the beginning of the end of our relationship. I especially don't think that he as an nt could possibly understand what it us like to be on the spectrum-- let alone accept and love me with my diagnosis. I have contemplated just never telling him as he has just accepted my 'quirks' by this point and is used to me. However, I'm becoming very involved in our community and am even considering starting a group at my college for people on the spectrum- so I'd be out to all these people but the one person I'd like to tell.. Is pretty much off limits. I mean, I really just don't know how he is going to take it but I think there's a 75% chance that our relationship will end if I tell him-- just because of that fear/ hatred that his ex wife has drilled in him about ASD and vaccinations. Now, I'm not looking for advice about whether or not to tell him or a lecture about lying... I'm just wanting to hear your experiences about telling either your anti-asd or anti-vax partner/family or similar experiences like that. What happened? How did they take it? How has your relationship/friendship been since then?
Oh and I have tried to sit down and rally with him about how vax's do not cause ASD but his ex wife has him so convinced that there's just no way to ever change his mind. I tried to do that even before I knew of my DX.

 

[Harrison]

Please note that AC has a policy of not encouraging discussion on the vaccine/ASD issue.

I am prepared to let this post stand as is, but I will monitor replies and if the posts stray off into that minefield I will close the thread.

Thank you

 

[Ylva]

Good for you. I mostly go the other way – if someone expresses a prejudice that I can't live with one of my friends having, I might try to change their minds but if it fails I'm not sorry to see them go.

Then again, I've never been engaged to one of them.

My mother, while not anti-ASD, did express some "understanding" for, let's say, someone who were. I avoid talking to her about it.

 

[On the Inside]

You certainly are under no obligation to disclose your diagnosis to anyone, and I am one who believes strongly in privacy, but in the case of someone you plan to marry, I think it would be better to be honest than have it all come apart later. (not that that would necessarily happen)

I don't think that people have a "hatred" of any disorder or disease, really. And it would be pretty heartless of someone to project a feeling about a particular disorder onto those who are afflicted. I'd give the guy a chance to show that he can love you as you are. Have courage.

 

[Suzanne]

I am answering but not because I know anything about vaccines but because I am married to an nt and there is a point I want to address.

5 year's you have been together and he accepts your "quarks" which to my mind says that is there really any need to tell him what is going on? It would be different if he did not accept you as you are.

So, he does not question anything? It is rather ironic, do you not think, that he is so prejudiced against aspergers and yet, he accepts your aspie traits without knowing they are lol

My husband would agree with me that it is VERY difficult for an nt and aspie to be living together; we really do speak a different language and on now, nearly 24 year's we are finally thinking: ah is that why there is communication break down, because we often do not appreciate how the other thinks and thus, have to work twice as hard!

 

[Ylva]

Maybe introduce him to one of your autistic friends? With or without telling him beforehand that she is autistic. Maybe you friend would disclose it themselves when they have met him and know how he is.

 

[watersprite]

Even though you've hid it for 5 years, I'd be strongly leaning toward being truthful as soon as possible; the reason being, is otherwise there might be a tendency to curtail your goal about support group, and possibly other activities in the future. Even more basic is that hiding something that is an important part of yourself seems to be dangerous to the idea of an intimate, meaningful relationship with your partner, as well as ongoing stress too?

 

[tachyon]

You say you think the relationship will likely end if you inform your partner.
That might or might not be correct, but I have many times agonised over potential bad outcomes deriving from my actions and most times they didn't happen. People can be surprising.

If you do become more publicly involved in the Autistic community it's probably inevitable that your fiancé will find out at some time and that would be a far more difficult conversation to have than the one you would have now.

I wish you well.

 

[DogwoodTree]

Sounds like he's going to find out eventually anyway if you're beginning to identify with it culturally. When and how is he most likely to be able to handle it well...when he finds out through the grapevine after you're already married, or when you sit down and have an honest, vulnerable conversation with him?

I don't want to step over any lines with the vaccine issue...trying to be careful...you said...

So much so that they'd endanger the kids' lives in order to prevent the kids from getting that very thing?

...not everyone who turns down vaccines sees it as endangering the kids' lives. Not to debate that issue, just to point out he might not be motivated by fear nearly as much as you might think.

So...to respond to the question you posed...

I told my DH of 18 years within a day or two of starting to put the pieces together. I've not been officially dx'd, but I showed him results from multiple online tests, and lists of characteristics, and explained things to him and answered his questions. I think he just wanted to know that I would be "okay"...that this wouldn't severely affect our ability to keep functioning as a family...that our kids were okay (2 show strong traits).

He's not the type to dig deeply for his own understanding of things...mostly just accepts what other people tell him...so I was able to set the tone for how we can face this. Sounds like your fiance also lets other people set the tone of a situation for him, so I would think that if you go into this with the attitude, "this is just an alternate wiring...a different way of processing the world...just like different personality types or different genders or different cultures or whatever", he might just take your word for it and move right along.

 

[Slithytoves]

I especially don't think that he as an nt could possibly understand what it us like to be on the spectrum-- let alone accept and love me with my diagnosis.

No, he can't understand it. But he needs to understand you. I know you said you don't want a lecture about telling him, but you might want to consider this: He may be accepting of your quirks at this stage, but down the road he could become frustrated with things you may not be able to change (or at least not easily). Some serious personal stress and marital strife might be avoided by filling him in.

Not wanting to risk his children somehow contracting an ASD isn't the same thing as hating ASDs and/or being repelled by the idea of you being on the spectrum. When NTs think of autism, they frequently think of the most severe manifestations. If he fears something in particular could cause that sort of disability (rightly or wrongly), he would naturally want to avoid it. You've made it clear that you can't change his mind about the one issue, but did it ever occur to you that telling him about your diagnosis could be instructive? You are living proof that ASDs can be very different from what he imagines.

I didn't know I had Asperger's until very recently. One of the first things I did was inform my ex-husband. He might not have become my ex had we known, together, what was at the root of many of our differences. It's too late now.

 

[Ylva]

Chances are he has a problem with the label, not the condition. Labels are often really important to NTs; that's why they reject adjectives they consider negative even if they're accurate.

How do you avoid getting super anxious keeping this from him? If it were me, I'd constantly be visualizing ways he could find out, and all the most horrible ways that could end. (Guess that's why I've never kept a secret about myself for five years.)

 

[Tom]

Just wanted to clarify for the discussion that you have not been hiding it for 5 years. You only found out yourself a year (or less) ago.

I often find disclosing something initially generates a negative reaction, or a bumpy one where they swing from one side to another, but then as they absorb it fully their response steadies. My wife and I kind of figured it out together, but only after many years together. I felt initially her respect for me and in particular the value of my opinion or judgement declined sharply for a while. It was like she suddenly was acting as if I was mentally incompetent. But then things came back up after many discussions and much effort to work it out. And in fact we have a better situation a more real one perhaps, as far as understanding and valuing each other then ever before.

Your particular circumstance is a hard one to be in. A real pickle. My gut feeling is, that if you decide to tell him, this is actually a unintended test of whether he is a good match as a life long partner.

 

[watersprite]

Tom's good post above suggested another idea to me so I am mentioning it: that of introducing another NT - HFA couple to him.

 

[nyxjord]

I would except that we live in a very very small town in Indiana.... I'm the only one I know who's on the spectrum, in this town... So it makes it really hard to do something like that.

 

[Ylva]

I would except that we live in a very very small town in Indiana.... I'm the only one I know who's on the spectrum, in this town... So it makes it really hard to do something like that.

There is always the Socratic dialogue method: ask a lot of innocent questions to get to the bottom of whether and why he hates autistics so much.

 

[Warmheart]

I believe everyone needs to make an informed decision regarding their choice of lifemate.

How autism is expressed depends on environment. When our environment is more supportive of our challenges, we do better. Stable, balanced autistics dating while living in their happy Aspie Caves present entirely differently once we've moved into NEW environments, with NEW routines, cohabiting with another person, with intimacy demands, and eventually the wacky hormonal rollercoasters of pregnancy or Mental Pause happens. Shutdowns and meltdowns can become more frequent when these life changes happen to us. A mate would want a heads up! And, we need them in our corner for support.

You do not need his, or anyone else's, external validation. You are a wonderful autistic human being. He does need to go into this with open eyes, and you need to know that you'll have his support if and when things may get more challenging.

 

[Warmheart]

I believe everyone needs to make an informed decision regarding their choice of lifemate. This is for the sake of the autistic person who discloses, as much for the NT partner. We with ASD feel and behave better when our environment is more supportive. When it's not, our behaviors can notably change, we may shutdown or meltdown. A mate would want to be well-informed beforehand, as situations in life can and do in fact significantly (without warning) change. The wacky hormonal hoopla of pregnancy and Mental Pause can really exacerbate ASD's more challenging symptoms. As can moving, cohabiting, job changes, intimacy demands, health changes, family situations....

You may need his compassionate support as situations in life change, and your condition requires more support than you might currently expect.

Be sure to mention your phenomenal Aspie superpowers! This convo can be framed as positively as you wanna make it. Got some fantastic, bombastic hyperfocus? Amazing passion for your special interests? Rockin' that famous Aspie loyalty? Let him know he's getting a neurodiverse treasure! We've got some groovy neurology. Let mates come for our commodities, and stay for our oddities!

 

[Tia Maria]

Okay I'm sure this might sound weird but I was diagnosed as having HFA almost a year ago and I still haven't come out to my fiance. We have been together for five years and he never had his children with his ex-wife vaccinated because she (and he, consequently) are part of the group that believe that vaccines cause ASD. They are still both adamant believers of this. Obviously it is quite difficult for me to come to him with thus diagnosis-- how will he react to finding out the person he is planning on marrying has the very thing that he/they so desperately hate/fear.. So much so that they'd endanger the kids' lives in order to prevent the kids from getting that very thing? I honestly think if I tell him it will be the beginning of the end of our relationship. I especially don't think that he as an nt could possibly understand what it us like to be on the spectrum-- let alone accept and love me with my diagnosis. I have contemplated just never telling him as he has just accepted my 'quirks' by this point and is used to me. However, I'm becoming very involved in our community and am even considering starting a group at my college for people on the spectrum- so I'd be out to all these people but the one person I'd like to tell.. Is pretty much off limits. I mean, I really just don't know how he is going to take it but I think there's a 75% chance that our relationship will end if I tell him-- just because of that fear/ hatred that his ex wife has drilled in him about ASD and vaccinations. Now, I'm not looking for advice about whether or not to tell him or a lecture about lying... I'm just wanting to hear your experiences about telling either your anti-asd or anti-vax partner/family or similar experiences like that. What happened? How did they take it? How has your relationship/friendship been since then?
Oh and I have tried to sit down and rally with him about how vax's do not cause ASD but his ex wife has him so convinced that there's just no way to ever change his mind. I tried to do that even before I knew of my DX.

I am not autistic (so one of those blasted NT creatures ) & others here are providing you with their experiences as well as guidance. But here's some of my thoughts for your consideration:

Since you have been with him for five (5) years, he already KNOWS you well, must love you as your are & also accepts your 'differences'. Is it possible finding out that you are a HFA person would serve as a kind of educational epiphany for him?

Anyway, disclosure (or whatever resolution) should definitely be made before the wedding, as opposed to afterwards.

I think it's an important factor whether you & your fiancé plan on having children. You know that you face the possibility of having children on the spectrum. He may or may not want to take that genetic risk, & I think it is only fair to be honest with him prior to having children. (That may be why you suspect a 75% chance of break-up following disclosure.) BUT he should already know & assume that any children you conceive together would have BOTH your traits, including any of your (Aspie) 'quirks' which, without the label, you are managing well together. You meanwhile will have to contend with him insisting on not vaccinating your own children.

For me personally, I would not want to be with a significant other (SO) who I could not openly share all things with. I also could not be with a SO who was someone who believed in something like the false autism/vaccine link as I consider that a matter of intelligence. Maybe fear can override intellect in such matters. I don't know, but regardless, such a person would be a non-starter for me. Not trying to offend you with that, but just something to keep in mind since a you are only 25, & a lifetime is a LONG TIME to spend with someone. So make sure HE is the right person for YOU.

I am very happily married to a wonderful man. Together 28 years in total. I know many other happy couples with long successful marriages. I also know & have seen many unhappily married couples. I'm sure they also started out happy & in-love.

Just some more things for you to think about. Unless the wedding date is set & approaching, you have time.

 

[nyxjord]

For the above poster, he has two children with his ex wife and following that, he was 'fixed' and now can no longer have more children- which is fine with me, I've never had the need to have children so children are not really part of the equation. Alright, let's say I come out to him. How in the heck do I start this conversation, besides just saying 'hey, I have something to talk to your about.'?? What exactly should I say?

 

[Ylva]

"Why do you hate autism so much?"
"What is it you hate about autism?"
"What scares you about autism?"

I don't know what is the most diplomatic way to breach the subject.

Me: "You understand what about her wanting to drive off that bridge?!"

So you see, no diplomacy.