Challenges in ASD/NT relationships from Aspie POV

[Rich Gray]

Girls scared the crap out of me from 14-17. They would chase me and I would run.

I needed a date for prom. I asked a girl, and she said no. I asked a girl, and she said maybe. Some girl asked me, and I said maybe, because I asked this other girl.

My best friend, knowing that I got along with his little sister, told me that I should bring her. Best random encounter of my life. I joke that I owe him some goats.

I grew up with her, and we always joked with each-other. It was nice. I thought it would break some rule to date my best friends little-sister.

We ended up getting married. Hands down the best thing that ever happened to me. So I guess not trying to pursue a girl, or not thinking about pursuing a girl sometimes works? I was not scared of a girl I grew up with.

 

[Rich Gray]

My bf CANNOT wrap his head around the fact people don't see things in what he considers logical. He can understand others don't see things the same as he, but it's an intellectual understanding- not a true ability to imagine it.

This is an INTJ trait (seems to be very common in the Asperger's world).

Changing his mind depends on the thing. On the spectrum from personal taste to undisputed fact.

I like Y, because I like Y <-----personal taste (even this can have logic behind it, like how all my favorite sodas do not have caffeine)

1x+1x=2x <-----undisputed fact

We have different Z's, because there are different way of doing Z.

If you use cold logic, then you should be able to change his mind on something. He will likely be grateful.

#1 question: Will <plan> work to achieve <goal> (efficiency, relaxation, pie, or whatnot).

If there is a better plan to achieve a goal (you need to know the goal, or goals), and you show him, then he will be happy. The best way is the best way (you need to know his goals though).

 

[elspeth]

An NT breaking things down into a black and white aspie logic. This is actually something ive never seen. I think it is quite clever! I might use something like this in the future. Did you come up with this yourself?

Though your subject matter is one of those things that literally no man and woman communicate well about. But still very good thought process!

I think she said she has ADHD so not NT (I do as well) which is maybe why the scheduling of the fitness doesn't come so naturally.

 

[Desiertx]

My NT partner thinks I'm coldhearted and selfish.
Example:
I go to his work with him to work on some stuff. I'm feeling extremely depleted from a camping hiking trip we just took. So am quiet and detached. I neglect to tell him I was planning to go to an event with someone he was interested in attending with me. IT was on my mind I just hadn't been able to get the words out and was also working on a project that was taking my attention. He was upset. I left but decided to sit outside in the very hot southwest summer sun about half an hour trying to formulate a message to send him some understanding and ask him to come out and talk. He came out and we talked a moment and it seemed more worked out. He feels deceived when I'm not open about plansespecially that conflict with plans he's wanting to make. understandable. i don't know how to communicate when I'm that depleted. unresolved. later tension builds in some way. spidy senses tingling maybe. I say I'm not going to the event and i feel that everything i do right now is the wrong thing so I'm just going to spend time by myself. He says "interesting I have a partner that is selfish and only cares about themself".
emotional detachment is the hardest for him. him deeply believing that I am heartless and selfish is destroying. we seem committed enough that maybe we can find a way through it. He is much better at optimism than I am. every argument I assume my life is over and want to throw my head through a wall.

He did say once recently as we were reading up on aspie stuff. that if was relieving in a way to not have to exist in specific norms that had become engrained in"how he needs to act" or how "relationships should be". and it brought him back a lot to parts of his adolescence when he was more introverted and insecure. (he uses this period to understand how I am more. though its different in that he was able to grow out of it. and for me, its my life perpetually. that's been hard for him to accept).
We had a really endearing conversation about those memories.

 

[Tobs]

"He says "interesting I have a partner that is selfish and only cares about themself"." This is emotional manipulation. If he thinks you don't care, why is he with you? He is trying to make you feel bad to get his way.