Celebrating your difference

[CaveDweller]

Just a few thoughts I wanted to put out there (and I wasn't sure about posting this).

One of the most disturbing things about this condition for me is this debilitating sense of detachment, this strange sense of otherness which has always been there. Even as a small kid I always had this feeling that I wasn't quite playing with the same deck as other people. It wasn't always at the forefront of my mind but creeping around in the background ready to remind me when I did or said things that were out of tune. I'm relatively lucky in that I always had a small group of friends at school and was just seen as the mad eccentric one. I was also never bullied (I'm 6ft 3 and broad).

Of course you get older and eccentric becomes immature, the expectation to conform becomes more rigid and the sense of detachment became more acute. Entering the adult world was a real struggle and I became very quiet and shy. My way of dealing with it was to almost celebrate my difference. Long hair, bright clothes and a stubborn refusal to follow any trend. It's almost like I dealt with this 'otherness' by wearing it like a badge of honour. I don't try to be different I just am and that is a part of the way it manifests itself. If I'm honest I'm still the same now and stand out like a sore thumb where I live just by the way I look.

I was just wondering if anyone else can relate to this.

 

[AsheSkyler]

If I wasn't playing with the same deck as my peers, it was probably because I made it. I was always making various things.

 

[Suzanne]

Oh YES, how I relate this so much!!!! Like you describe: always a sense of standing on the edge looking in; but never loud enough to make me feel ok; just soft enough to make me feel uncomfortable being me.

I used to try and hide away and have always hated the idea of being looked at. But paradoxically, I do the opposite because how I dress is not how other women tend to dress! I live in France now, and most women wear dark and miserable looking attire and then there is Suzanne, who is from the uk, who loves colours and will only wear black or other dark colours in the winter. I also LOVE music and cannot help but do a tiny dance, in a shop, if a particularly good song comes on and so it is as if I am saying: look you are in the public eye and bound to be looked at, so make them smile and indeed, I get smiles and appreciation because I am not bland faced. My husband feels deeply embarrassed to be seen with me, for he is completely the opposite.

I have never thought about celebrating my difference; for I have a hard enough time day to day, trying to be ME. But I do embrace how I abhor injustice and cruelty and love and embrace, kindness and gentleness. I also love that I am quick to smile and quick to laugh. But I hate being social phobic to the extreme.

I had to text my husband this morning and BEG him to collect me to go shopping together, because I am feeling trapped; oh it is my doing, I am perfectly aware of that, but it gets to the extent that the less I go out, the less I can go out!

 

[Lealea]

I can relate, I was extremely shy I never spoke to my teachers and if they heard me speak they'd make a big deal of it, which made it worse as I hate being the center of attention. I had two friends that would talk for me. When I was a kid I just thought I was shy because that's what everyone said, thought I was the same but life was just easier for everyone else. My teachers didn't give it much thought, to them I was a model student. And luckily I too was never bullied.

Now as an adult I am confused by trends, fashion and basically the way people act. There has been so many times where I have wondered to my self "And humans consider them selves the smartest things on the planet" in a lot of them I don't see that haha. since a teenager I have always tried to be maybe not be different but just happy being me, dressing and doing what I want. I've never been a typical girl anyhow, interested in cars and mechanics, D.I.Y, playing video games and Spending a lot of time hiking.

I guess people try to be like everyone else because it makes them more social as they consider themselves to have more in common to talk about. I personally think the world would be better if everyone embraced their individuality.

 

[watersprite]

Yes, I relate to that. That's great you had friends. I always had a sense of being different as well as not ever developing lasting friendships. I'm rather tall unfortunately, but would prefer to be less noticable. I decided to accept that I'm not made to be socially acceptable. Peace and creativity and keeping to myself - that's my celebration of it I guess.

 

[Harrison]

Al though I had people around me in my youth I was always regarded as the loner, the weirdo or the wolf in the pack. Like Ashe said, I made my own cards and played life as I saw it.

 

[CaveDweller]

It's so great that others get this. I wasn't really sure. The social phobia can be so hard but a part of me likes the fact that I am very much my own person. Like you Suzanne I also hate injustice and cruelty and cannot help but stand out in different ways. And Leala I get confused by the way people go on because I cannot see the reason or sense in a lot of things that are considered 'normal'. I actually studied the psychology of bitchiness and also group mentalities years ago to try and get a handle on why people have to be so mean to each other all of the time.

Given the choice, I'd still rather be the way I am in so many ways.

 

[CaveDweller]

Kestrel - I sometimes think that being 'Socially acceptable' means acting in an unacceptable way in order to fit in - , putting others down to make yourself look good, repeating confidences, going along with the group even when they're wrong. If that's acceptable then I'd rather be unacceptable.

 

[Suzanne]

Yes, I relate to that. That's great you had friends. I always had a sense of being different as well as not ever developing lasting friendships. I'm rather tall unfortunately, but would prefer to be less noticable. I decided to accept that I'm not made to be socially acceptable. Peace and creativity and keeping to myself - that's my celebration of it I guess.

Hey, why unfortunate for being tall? I would LOVE to be tall. I hate being just 5ft3ins!!!!!!

 

[Slithytoves]

Looking back, my own "detachment" and "otherness" was an advantage for me as a kid. I was either oblivious or didn't care about what other kids had or what they were doing, with whom and how many. I had my own ideas, interests, and priorities. I was happy that I was off to one side because there were fewer people to interrupt me. I was very aware I was very different. I didn't bother to assign a relative value to it. I can't say it was ever really "creeping around in the background," either. If I said something that seemed odd to others I just thought they were odd for finding it odd. I wasn't bullied. I may have seemed too sure of myself to be a good target for malicious children. I was, however, molested by two adults in my neighborhood on a few occasions. They apparently saw my quirky, loner habits as an opportunity.

"Eccentric" eventually became "immature" in others' eyes for me, too, especially in my family as my younger sisters grew up and began to seem older than me. I don't think anyone found me to be particularly immature emotionally, but my dress sense, interests, personal discipline and habits have drawn more than their share of fire at times. I have been very bad with age-graded milestones and fitting the image of a responsible adult. I never learned to drive, changed jobs often, moved around a lot, couldn't finish college and never settled long in a relationship. Kids were absolutely off the table. Falling behind the curve didn't make me shy on a daily basis, but it made me pathologically avoidant of family/social occasions where I would likely be asked questions about my life. And no way was I dressing up for anything.

Because I am in fact an extrovert, there has been temptation to "celebrate my difference" in my appearance, as you have. But when I was in high school, I made an observation about the crew of other misfits with which I was loosely associated (the punks, gays, metalheads, early goths, etc.). By dressing to show everyone they were different, they actually ended up creating a new brand of predictable sameness. Creating a wholly original style was too much work for someone with no interest in fashion, not to mention that I saw how hard it was for the fringey kids to to get jobs. So I made myself weird by hanging out with weird people and not looking weird myself. I made myself look so neutral that I became a blank canvas on which others could project whatever they wanted to see. I must say, it worked very well and still does. Somehow if I look bland and unintimidating, I can push the envelope of social norms without ever making anyone uncomfortable.

 

[CaveDweller]

I have been very bad with age-graded milestones and fitting the image of a responsible adult. I never learned to drive, changed jobs often, moved around a lot, couldn't finish college and never settled long in a relationship..

So much of what you wrote rings true to me, some not so much. I also came across (and apparently still do) as quite sure of myself as a kid, although I'm not an extrovert just a very black and white thinker. You mentioned the punks as well. I loved punk and the individualist attitude they had, although as you say it just became a uniform/tribal thing for disaffected youths after a while.

I suppose the way people look is often symbolic of how they feel inside. Apparently when people change their hairstyle it is an unconscious attempt to change how they are seen by others and therefore how they feel about themselves. I find that kind of stuff interesting.

 

[Judge]

Hmmmmmmm. "Responsible Adult". I'm inclined to think that's more of a mask for me than a description of my status.

"Contradiction of terms" would likely be a better description if left to my own words. But I don't celebrate whatever it is that I am. I just am...for better or worse.

 

[jas4five]

It does get lonely but doesn't it give you a warm feeling knowing that you are right and the rest of the world are wrong!
At school I was a clumsy fat kid with glasses. I was never bullied, I think because I was a bit too weird.
I agree and relate to ever thing you say but being married to a normal person I am not allowed to be too eccentric.
We make a great contribution to this society because we present a different take on things. like yin
/yang, black/white etc.
Would you really wan't to be normal? I know I wouldn't
Love and best wishes.

 

[Slithytoves]

I suppose the way people look is often symbolic of how they feel inside. Apparently when people change their hairstyle it is an unconscious attempt to change how they are seen by others and therefore how they feel about themselves. I find that kind of stuff interesting.

I always wrestle with the whole "how you look is a reflection of how you feel" thing. I definitely wear baggy clothes, a baseball hat, and skip the makeup when I'm overweight. My self esteem certainly tanks, and I guess I feel like I can't turn a sow's ear into a silk purse. But even when I'm feeling really good about myself, I prefer to look relatively bland for the reasons I mentioned previously. Maybe it's also its own way of defying expectations and being comfortably underestimated. I'm five feet tall and very smiley. I like it when people tell me after knowing me for a while that I'm much more interesting and complicated than I look.

I find this sort of stuff fascinating, too, being a lifelong student of the social sciences. I would like to experiment with my appearance to see how it changes others' reactions to me, but I feel downright dysmorphic when I try to wear anything too far outside my usual lack-of-style.

I don't celebrate whatever it is that I am. I just am...for better or worse.

Yeah, that's me, too. I've never been big on celebrations anyway.

It does get lonely but doesn't it give you a warm feeling knowing that you are right and the rest of the world are wrong!

I agree and relate to ever thing you say but being married to a normal person I am not allowed to be too eccentric.

I know you were more or less joking with your first comment, but I have a thought about people who really do feel like being different is in some way being superior. It always seems like a defense rather than a real conviction, to me. If it's not a defense it's a delusion, and I wouldn't want to be either defensive or delusional. Both can be very isolating.

It sounds like your marriage strikes a nice balance. That's always nice to hear around here. I've tried dating people who would be considered "normal" and it's never worked for me at all. There's just too much space between us. The trouble has been finding someone else who is abnormal in a way that's enough like me. Nailed it recently. It's amazing the difference it's made. Would you have preferred to find another oddball, if you could have? Or does the combination you're in suit you better?

 

[CaveDweller]

Sorry if I offended anybody with this post. I didn't mean to.

 

[Slithytoves]

Sorry if I offended anybody with this post. I didn't mean to.

Why do you think you offended anyone? I love this thread. You come up with some really great stuff.

 

[Judge]

Sorry if I offended anybody with this post. I didn't mean to.

None taken. You brought up an important point here. Many of us for whatever reason, follow our own unique path.

It's not a crime. At least not from my perspective.

 

[CaveDweller]

Thanks, I worry about how I'm being taken sometimes. Truth is I am still coming to terms with the diagnosis and trying to find positives. I write in a too specific way as well, I'm aware of it.

 

[watersprite]

Thanks, I worry about how I'm being taken sometimes. Truth is I am still coming to terms with the diagnosis and trying to find positives. I write in a too specific way as well, I'm aware of it.

Nothing offensive here at all. I like how you write, and as an aside I very much enjoy reading all the different styles of writing here.

 

[Datura]

I am (at least outwardly) about as normal as I have ever been. As a child I was Weird with a capital "W." My idea of breaking the ice was going up to somebody and saying, "Did you know that your entire body is covered in bugs, but they are so small you can't see them?" I mean, that's fascinating! But apparently my piers just thought it was creepy. At any rate; when people told me I was weird I soon learned to take it as a complement, as the "weird" things about me were often my favorites.

I believe part of my present issues is that I have been denying my weirdness. I have been dressing to blend in, and editing what I say as not to offend. I should really stop that. From now on I will only buy clothes that I love, and I will not hesitate to share my unorthodox world views and interests! Okay, so I will have to exercise some discreetness, but I need to live more authentically. Maybe this means finding a job that aligns with my interests, like playing music full time, or going back to school to study biology.

I am free! I have options!
I have gifts, and I must use them!