Can't seem to bother to text people anymore

[Dillon]

Should I take a text to be offensive at times? I would text some people to have a converstation and in the last minute I never hear from him or her again. I feel like I had said something stupid or the person just starts to hate me for no reason. I also feel like iam bothering people when iam texting and that's why I don't do it as much because again I feel like a nuisance to people.

Let me get to the point now. I have been talking to this new friend I have made with who is also going to A&M for two weeks. I don't talk to her everyday because iam trying to respect her boundaries. She would talk to me first and see how iam doing but when I try to have a conversation with her I don't here again until a few hours later I know I felt like I have been annoying or said something stupid. I've had people to where they will never talk to me no more Am I doing something wrong because it dosent seem to matter how respectful of a person iam anymore.

I thought I had made a true friend finally but it just failed again. I don't know what to do.

 

[Chance]

I usually never text first unless its business related or something of importance.

Sadly when people text me (if it's not important) I just don't reply or just send : )

If it is important I just give info needed and not much more.

Even worse is talking on the stupid phone... I hate very few things in life but that is one of them.

 

[Dillon]

I understand that. I just got a text from that person saying I don't need to talk to her anymore because I was werid having conversations
I thought I was being nice to her and iam feeling alot of guilt within myself. This is why I don't bother talking to people

 

[Chance]

Dude we just think different and we don't understand the NT world
They have spent billions of dollars saying they are here to give us a voice and such...
They just want to find a way for us to be like them. Thank you, but no thank you.

I get so tired of being forced to conform and play like I understand the NT mindset, when honestly I don't even want to understand them. I just want to be me and thats often way too much to ask.

Don't be so hard on yourself, and maybe just don't try so hard... Thats when I mess up the worst.
Just be you... You just had a conversation with me and I wasn't offended...

Proof right there.

 

[Dillon]

I don't want to be treated like everyone else because alot of people think they have to be perfect all the dang time. Does it matter that I have flaws within myself, of course not it just makes me who iam as a person.

The problem is having at least someone that is not like you to freaking understand you and to also accept you instead of someone pretending to be your so called friend.

 

[Ambi]

Should I take a text to be offensive at times? I would text some people to have a converstation and in the last minute I never hear from him or her again. I feel like I had said something stupid or the person just starts to hate me for no reason. I also feel like iam bothering people when iam texting and that's why I don't do it as much because again I feel like a nuisance to people.

Let me get to the point now. I have been talking to this new friend I have made with who is also going to A&M for two weeks. I don't talk to her everyday because iam trying to respect her boundaries. She would talk to me first and see how iam doing but when I try to have a conversation with her I don't here again until a few hours later I know I felt like I have been annoying or said something stupid. I've had people to where they will never talk to me no more Am I doing something wrong because it dosent seem to matter how respectful of a person iam anymore.

I thought I had made a true friend finally but it just failed again. I don't know what to do.

It is so hard to predict - I have a very hard time knowing when I am being annoying or not, so I have just really limited myself. I go off of the other person's interest, and I try to let them do most of the talking, I just try to listen and respond. It's still always awkward for me though - not while I'm talking, but afterwards (or texting) - I always wonder afterwards if I made a mistake. It's an awful feeling. I try to just not say much of anything of subsance with people unless they seem to take a liking ot me, then I will try my best to just be responsive - I try to remember not to talk too much or too long, but really, it's still just a gamble and a matter of a person liking and tolerating me enough and not thinking I'm weird - but there are more people who find me weird than not.

I remember once talking for a couple of hours about really intense, personal things with a guy in my dorm - so I thought, okay, I guess we are friends now, or can be friends now? But from then on if I saw him and smiled or said "hi", he just acted like he didn't know me.

I'm just glad to be out of those times. If I could go back to college, I would have tried to somehow ignore the pain of social isolation and throw myself into my studies - and self-help books about improving socialization and relaxation skills, and working out and self-improvement and utilizing a forum like this to really ease the loneliness (forums like this did not exist back then!). And then slowly, slowly, people would come into my life who liked me and didn't think I was too weird. I basically have 2 friends - one I met in 4th grade, the other I met when I was in my mid-twenties. There are some people who are friendly to me in church, but I have still been very wary with them - I just can't handle it right now, and I don't want to weird them out. I hope to learn to become friends with them, though.

 

[Momo]

Texting is a nightmare! You can never tell how the person is feeling on the other end, and it's so easy to be misinterpreted. Texting is the doom of us all!

 

[Tyrantus1212]

I understand that. I just got a text from that person saying I don't need to talk to her anymore because I was werid having conversations
I thought I was being nice to her and iam feeling alot of guilt within myself. This is why I don't bother talking to people

What???? If she starts saying crap like that to you, then she's NOT a true friend. She was never your friend to begin with. People who just start ignoring you right off the bat are also not true friends. Who does she think she is? I'm really sorry she did that to you, it actually makes me cry. She's not worth it. You need to cut her out of your life for good, don't talk to or text her ever again. People just plain suck these days. She doesn't deserve to have you for a friend.

I have issues trusting people because so many of them suck - but keep in mind that there are also people who don't! I have a history of saying things that offend other people without ever meaning to, and many of those people did not feel good about me after that; it totally lowered my self-esteem. You didn't mean to hurt her feelings in any way, so there is absolutely no reason to feel guilty. I should be heeding my own advice, I know.

I made a few friends who don't do that to me over recent years but I do have a problem of texting them too much. I used to text them every day, sending them bulks of messages. I used to ask them to hang out every single weekend. I have since learned from my psychologist that I wasn't respecting their boundaries, and ever since he told me that I've been communicating with them sporadically because I don't want to scare them off. Despite all that, they're still there for me.

However...I always worry about possibly doing something that would make them just cut me off, because I've lost so many potential friends in my past. Many of those "potential friends" though may have been similar to the person you're describing, but I feel like there are some in that midst that are decent people that I somehow managed to push away. I'm always nice to these people, and my past experiences did teach me some lessons in terms of not trying too hard to make friends. They know I'm extremely weird and can say the wrong things a lot of the time, and they would in fact prefer for me to be less clingy - but they've never made me feel bad about my being the way I am.

I'm almost always the one who texts first, even if I do it sporadically. Whenever that happens, I always end up worrying about them possibly not wanting to be friends with me, and any gaps in communication also trigger the same anxieties. I cannot afford to be lonely again, and I treat these people as nicely and respectfully as I possibly can. They tell me not to worry about these communication gaps and assured me that they still want to be friends with me. They also appreciate the fact that I'm not as super-clingy as I used to be. They've done things for me before, which includes giving me birthday and Christmas presents, and just being concerned about my health - mental and physical. I also want to mention the fact that they're NT, so it's just a miracle of God to have someone actually want to be friends with me despite the way I behave.

I hope that miracle happens for you, Dillon. Please don't be discouraged about yourself, you did nothing wrong. A true friend will never insult you or start ignoring you. It sucks that you have to go through trash while you're searching for the treasure, but that's just a part of life. The key is to not feel guilty about it and know that there's always hope. Just like in your previous post about relationships - I'm sure you'll find a real friend, there are over 6 billion people on this planet; just keep looking, you're on the right track!

 

[SusanLR]

Texting and the phone are things I avoid if I can.
I never initiate a text. Rarely use it.
And I let voice mail take care of the phone except for two people whom I will answer if they call because they are older people that have no family or close friends either and asked if they can call me for help and have me down as emergency contact.
Other than that, it usually is a solicitor or something to do with a doctor appt. etc.
I hate trying to say something to an answering machine too. Feels odd trying to compose the right thing to say to a recording.
I actually prefer e-mail or a group like this- typing.

 

[Kirsty]

it's just a miracle of God to have someone actually want to be friends with me despite the way I behave.

Agreed. I'm taking this literally as like you, I've never really had friends. I have two now. One (and her husband) are Christians. The other (I know that's 3, but her husband doesn't really count as a friend. He's just part of the package) has autism too and is non-religious.

 

[OlLiE]

dude, i'm not sure being NT or NS actually makes a huge difference, why?
- no one is friends with everyone they meet, not even NT's, some people click and some people don't, irrespective of their psychological makeup, among NT's it is not that rare to have people who would rather invest in a small tight group of friends rather than to be friends with everyone everywhere
- people do not date each other solely because they are NT, there is no questionnaire you have to fill in, there are 'normal' people who date handicapped people because they feel validated by caring for someone who needs them,

AS vs NT, in my opinion, is not a black and white proposition, statistically you will have a few very extreme AS and NT, but the majority of people will be somewhere in between, or close enough to the middle to be able to understand the people on the other side

so making good friends and finding partners is difficult for many people, so i would say don't judge 'failings' in trying to make friends, accept it will be hit and miss, don't blame yourself it will get you nowhere, try and learn, you will find more friends by focusing on commonalities with others rather than by focusing on the limitations your condition and assuming other people's judgement of you

i felt the same way as you do when i was your age, rejection is painful, you can either make it about your failings and stagnate or see it as step in the process, it has taken me a long time and many fails to start to start to understand and to learn how to manage disappointment

 

[Suzanne]

The only 3 I texted without worrying about it, is because all three back up words with action and so, I sense I am not being a nuisense.

My husband is the only one who complains about my texting, but I cannot seem to win with him. I get told that I text at innappropriate moments. Like, he is working and his notification keeps buzzing him. I have suggested a solution, but he doesn't want to take that up. So, I refrain from texting him and then I get moaned at, because I am not texting enough! In fact, the other day, he even said: you seem to spend the morning responding to my texts only

I am actually getting more adept at answering now to him, which I think disconcerts him a bit.

I received two texts from this woman and I nearly texted and said: did you copy and paste or something? Both texts were a copy of each other, which shows her intentions were not genuine, so I did not responde.

I have been through the: I don't want to annoy someone and so, I make sure I end the text conversation but I am, again learning, at last, that actually if I do not feel comfortable about texting that person, then they are not truly my "friend" and I do not feel guilty for never texting.

Surprising to realise that I have a massive 3 females I feel ok with lol.

I have to say, that if I was a young aspie in this day and age, I would be very much like you and probably would not feel at all comfortable texting.

In fact, it took me several years to be coaxed into getting a mobile phone. I have now truly upgraded lol a miniture computer hehehe

They say age matures a person. I have often thought: what went wrong with me then? But in fact, I guess I have matured, because I am a tons better at discerning a genuine person, from a fake person.

It is true, that we aspies, do tend to be missing the link ( a phrase I rather like that my husband used recently).

I try to observe how others talk to each other, but don't do so well, because I do not want to be seen as snooping and I hate being looked at, so I do not wish to be guilty.

 

[Suzanne]

I understand that. I just got a text from that person saying I don't need to talk to her anymore because I was werid having conversations
I thought I was being nice to her and iam feeling alot of guilt within myself. This is why I don't bother talking to people

Can you screen shot the conversation here? If, of course, it is not too private?

As painful as it is, at least she was honest with you. I would rather people say that to me, then me wondering what on earth is going on. I want someone to say that they dislike me ( if of course, their behaviour causes me untold meltdowns), so then I can move on.

 

[Suzanne]

You just had a conversation with me and I wasn't offended..

Exactly my thoughts, Chance.

 

[Keigan]

Texting is a one way communication, people have no investment because it is not a treated as a conversation.

 

[Chance]

I love it when I have no service... And I am lucky to be in a very rural place that is often a large no service area. I also like it when I forget to turn the ringer back on (sometimes thats on purpose)... I am just evil when it comes to phones. Its truly the one thing in my life I care very little for. I like the weather apps, my music, the calendar, but the phone part blahhh...

Texting and phone conversations are a confusing waste of my life - great for important stuff and emergencies but thats my limit.

 

[Judge]

I don't even own a mobile device.

Just as well. More likely if I were to get a text, it would be a wrong number.

Or just another criminal scammer.

 

[Meila]

I understand that. I just got a text from that person saying I don't need to talk to her anymore because I was werid having conversations
I thought I was being nice to her and iam feeling alot of guilt within myself. This is why I don't bother talking to people

Please don't feel guilty, none of this is about you really, but more about how the person reacts to you. You sound quite like my only friend who loves to text me, spam me with loads of messages, and I love it. So whereas some people may find you messaging them annoying, I promise you there are people that love it, especially people who really appreciate social interaction for the challenge it can bring.

 

[ImAnAspie]

The only person who texts (or rings) me is my sister, and that's only to abuse me. I quite often put my phone in flight mode because I don't want to be contact by ANYONE.

My phone is good for playing videos and music, and playing games like Hearts.

 

[Kirsty]

I quite often put my phone in flight mode because I don't want to be contact by ANYONE.

Hmm that's a very good idea. I'll do this too.