Can't say "I love you"

[Zidiane]

I don't know how to really talk about this (if it's even a thing to talk about here, or if this place is correct), but anyone else have a really hard time saying this? I'm not sure for how long I've had trouble saying it, but it's been the majority of my life. I can't say it to anyone, even if I feel it towards them. My mother, my brothers, cousins, aunts, grandmothers, they all will occasionally throw this phrase at me and the only thing I ever respond with is "Okay/Alright" or "Thank you", or sometimes "I know". My mother forces me to say it on Mothers Day and her Birthday, which I don't resent, but I just always feel super awkward when this phrase comes up, and even though I agree that my mother should hear these words I still get really anxious and have a really hard time saying it.

 

[Cali Cat]

I have a hard time saying it to most people. Honestly, though, I really don't feel it much either. At least, I don't feel the feeling that I consider to be "love" for most people. I was able to say it on occasion to my mother, because I did love her. I've said it to many boyfriends and a couple of husbands, because I loved them (or thought I did) at the time. I say it to my cats, and pretty much to any animal, because I love all of them as well. I can only imagine that the way people throw the word "love" around, it must mean something far different to them than it does to me. For me, "love" means self-sacrifice. Would I be willing to sacrifice my best interests for theirs? In most cases, I would not. I have a couple of friends that I do sacrifice my best interests for regularly, but it would take an act of God to get me to say, "I love you," to them. I really don't know about that one. Maybe it's because if I say it, then I'm obligated to continue the self-sacrificing behavior? Don't know.

 

[Judge]

I once lost a relationship when I was unable to say that at a specific place and point in time. Very costly.

 

[Zidiane]

I have a hard time saying it to most people. Honestly, though, I really don't feel it much either. At least, I don't feel the feeling that I consider to be "love" for most people. I can only imagine that the way people throw the word "love" around, it must mean something far different to them than it does to me. For me, "love" means self-sacrifice. Would I be willing to sacrifice my best interests for theirs?

Well, like many words, "Love" has many meanings. A couple definitions from Webster:

"a feeling of strong or constant affection for a person"
"strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties"
"warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion"
"a beloved person - often used as a term of endearment"

There are other definitions. But when most people say the words they probably mean one of those. They also say things like "I love chicken" when they wouldn't in fact be willing to sacrifice their best interests for chicken.

I once lost a relationship when I was unable to say that at a specific place and point in time. Very costly.

The reason I'm trying to tackle this now is because my mother has told me many times that this will end up happening to me if I can't learn to at least occasionally say "the L word".

 

[Cali Cat]

Well, like many words, "Love" has many meanings. A couple definitions from Webster:

"a feeling of strong or constant affection for a person"
"strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties"
"warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion"
"a beloved person - often used as a term of endearment"

There are other definitions. But when most people say the words they probably mean one of those. They also say things like "I love chicken" when they wouldn't in fact be willing to sacrifice their best interests for chicken.

Yes, there must be other definitions, because I don't see how a person would have a "warm attachment" to chicken either. I think, when applied to people, the definition of love is a very personal thing. You may have some success by attempting to define what it means for you.

 

[Zidiane]

Yes, there must be other definitions, because I don't see how a person would have a "warm attachment" to chicken either. I think, when applied to people, the definition of love is a very personal thing. You may have some success by attempting to define what it means for you.

"Enthusiasm" is the more likely definition than "Warm attachment", I believe.

The thing is, I even have a hard time saying it as a word. I usually can only say it when quoting someone. It's the word itself somehow, I think.

 

[DogwoodTree]

I don't think love is a feeling. I think love is a commitment.

Love says,

• I see (parts of) you the way you really are
• I accept who you are
• I treasure your freedom and refuse to try to control you
• I will do my part to contribute to your growth and do what is best for you from me (whether it feels good to you or not)

From that perspective, there are a lot of people I "love" who I don't feel a particular amount of "affection" for. And there are people I feel drawn towards, whom I don't truly love (but am trying to).

 

[AsheSkyler]

Many of my emotions flat lined ten years ago. When I used to have the depth to honestly speak an emotion, it wasn't an issue. If I'm to be honest now, I should say "I like you" because my love has gotten so shallow and weak that compared to what it was it's only a like. Thank goodness my mom understands it's not personal, but I can't say the same for my grandmother so I haven't tried to explain it yet and just keep hiding it around her. Mom is quite happy being "near the top of the list" and accepts she is still one of the most important people to me even if I have turned into a robot. Naturally, my kid is first on the list. I still say it to certain people because I know they need it, but it's awkward and difficult.

 

[Anon88]

I feel like so many ppl use the word in vain anyway. It's almost like ppl just use it as a formality of an everyday routine. Like ok love you, bye or ok love you, talk to you later. I mean what the hell is that. Love should only be said when you mean it. I don't feel the actual feeling of love much and I kinda hate it when ppl expect me to say it to them just because they've said it to me. I've gotten so numb that I say it anyway just to keep them off my back. I don't have time for the "oh you can't say it back to me?" and the "oh you don't love me?" drama.

 

[Cali Cat]

"Enthusiasm" is the more likely definition than "Warm attachment", I believe.

The thing is, I even have a hard time saying it as a word. I usually can only say it when quoting someone. It's the word itself somehow, I think.

Well, if it's only the word that's the problem, and not a lack of "enthusiasm" on your part, try saying something in response to "I love you" like "Back atcha" or "Me, too." Then, when that day comes that you have to tell someone you love him/her, you might explain your feelings about the word "love." If the person doesn't accept that part of you, you might be better off without that person. It's better to show love than to say it anyway. If you show it, he/she will know already.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Omg. It happened this weekend, in fact. At work, my "co-worker friends" were working with each other and would say "Cause you know I love you, right?" when they had to do a task they didn't want to particularly do. Then they will come up to you (me) and say "Don't you love me?" Gotta tell you, all I can do is give a blank stare and move on with what I was doing so the subject is changed as quick as possible. Depending on what mood I'm in, I have said "No, not really". I think that kind of crap is just so fake - especially when after one of them will say that and a week later they will be talking about that person behind their back. What is wrong with people? (I mean NT women, mainly, because NT men don't act like that - I actually think NT men have an allergy to the word "love" that causes an anaphylactic reaction! )

I've never said the "L" word to anyone, yet, except Waldo. I was just not brought up in a family that ever said that word or gave any "huggies or smoochies" either. Maybe someday I'll say it to someone special.

 

[Lukas]

I have always found difficulty saying that word as well.

Honestly, I have difficulty ascertaining precisely what love actually feels like, thus wonder if I have ever in fact been in love at all. I can imagine the emotion, such as when reading a poem or watching a film, but actually feeling the emotion in real life with another real person has eluded me.

Love on a parental level however, differs from love I think I felt for my spouses. Unlimited spiritual bond of a sort felt between oneself and ones parents or children, seemed dramatically different and difficult to ignore.

 

[Flinty]

To be honest...I have a hard time conceiving of true love between human beings.

Yet...no such trouble between a human and an animal.

 

[zurb]

Whenever this topic comes up I want to cite all the Greek words for love and their meanings. They differentiated between different kinds including those which were purely emotional, those that were commitment, those that are hormonal and those that are relational. I think they had it much clearer than the one confusing English word 'Love'.

 

[Cali Cat]

Whenever this topic comes up I want to cite all the Greek words for love and their meanings. They differentiated between different kinds including those which were purely emotional, those that were commitment, those that are hormonal and those that are relational. I think they had it much clearer than the one confusing English word 'Love'.

Could be useful. Do you have a link for that?

 

[zurb]

Could be useful. Do you have a link for that?

Google is your friend Here's one that seems to give a good overview:
The Ancient Greeks' 6 Words for Love (And Why Knowing Them Can Change Your Life) by Roman Krznaric — YES! Magazine

 

[DogwoodTree]

Great article, thanks!

 

[Kari Suttle]

I don't say "I love you" unless i mean it or if i feel like they don't mean it. Meaning, i refuse to reply in kind with "I love you" to my mom and dad when they say it because i feel like their love is a conditional love. I refuse to say it if i dont genuinely, unconditionally, feel it from them. Even if its ritualistic in nature when they say it i refuse to reply back. Mom's noticed and on a rare occasion will intentionally repeat it pointedly until i reply back feeling annoyed about the whole thing. I don't like it though.

 

[Cali Cat]

Google is your friend

I knew you could do it.

I never considered the Greek words for love before. I seem to prize brotherly love most of all. "Philia" is mostly what I think of when I say the "L" word for real. Thanks!

 

[Etzelaire]

I don't say it to anyone because I just don't feel it.