Building courage to go to hardware store

[grommet]

I think my subject line might be confusing and I do not mean it to be. It is literal. I need to go to the hardware store and I am afraid of that place because the people there won't stop talking to me. It's like running a gauntlet going through the employees.

All these giant faces and I don't know what they mean. I'd rather run in to ghosts than real people. I don't know what these people want from me. I know what I want, I think I know hardware very well. One time in that store a salesman seemed he was being purposely unpleasant to me but I do not know. So I remembered that someone taught me the only way to know what someone is thinking is to ask them. So I asked him if he was trying to give me a hard time. I regret those words. It's a bad thing to say but his facial expressions and tone of voice and his words were not making sense to me.

I had another salesperson walk up to me and stop. He faced me and said nothing. I waited because I did not have enough information to make a decision about what was happening. I finally asked him who he was.

My grocery started using self check-out a couple of years ago. It was something I had prayed for. The cashiers made me crazy. Not literally but they would ask questions and I didn't know what to do. The questions seemed to need longer answers than I could give in a few seconds while in line. So did that mean they were not real questions? I couldn't decided and if I got it wrong it would be rude or seem rude and then the cashier would be mad at me and I would have to avoid that one every time. This was the stress I went through every time I went shopping.

People frighten me very much. They are my worst fear. Rocco gave me a painting, I keep it on my wall and sometimes at night I lay in bed and just think about that painting and feel better. There are no people in the painting. It is a forest at night. Green trees, dark in the low evening light. Mountains behind with dark coming over from behind them and above all a sky with faint far off stars that give hope. No people.

I do not not like people. I can't understand them and in my thinking while trying to find patterns and make sense I often come to mistaken conclusions. I do not have the social skills I need. I won't. I think most of us won't.

It's a scary world when you know every time you go out and meet people you will never speak the language but they will always speak to you in it believing that you do. You know it will be trouble. You grow up learning to say as little as possible so you will make fewer mistakes. You learn not to mention sex, violence, religion or politics. So you, or maybe it's just me, you talk about science because you love science but you also think no on can be offended by it but people start to resent you because they think you are being elitist by showing you are smarter than they are. You were just trying to make friends and that didn't work out either.

I have alway said that I prefer objects to people but I think I am learning the truth that I do miss people, I just don't know how to be with them.

 

[AnnKoontz]

I don't know where you're going, but perhaps you try a place where people are less talkative. Or look up how to respond.

 

[watersprite]

When I go to the hardware store alone I always have a piece of paper with the item(s) I want to buy on it. Then when an employee asks if they can help me find something, I find it much easier to say yes, glance at the piece of paper and tell them. This seems to keep conversation limited to the task of finding the item. I don't know if that will help you.
My next project concerns plumbing, and unfortunately it will require me asking questions about pipes, connections, and the like.

 

[ChrisC1983]

i have the same problem with every place where i need to talk to an employee... be it ordering a coffee or when i can't find something at the hardware store. i would rather circle the store all day until i have a mental inventory more detailed than the employees working there for 3 months.. just to not ask them.

i try to block out everybody at stores where employees approach me (ironically part of my job is shopping.. antique dealer... luckily most of those stores are more of a "roam around and let me know if you need any help" type of thing)

having a physical list can be a good thing, as kestrel said. you can refer to the list (even if it's 1 item, scribble other stuff so it looks better) OR.. you can use the list to ignore people. i like to intentionally look a little overly stressed lol... so, say i'm looking for paint or something. instead of being quiet and casual looking at colors i'll walk quickly back and fourth down the isle, reading the cans and saying "i dont know wtf they want, they send me for paint and say "just get blue" but wtf does that mean? baer is good but they're too cheap for that, glidden sucks but it's in their price range" and have this whole conversation....... even if "they" dont exist and i'm the one who wants the paint lol. it keeps the employees away most of the time so i can figure out what kind of paint i want. same when picking colors for the paint or whatever

 

[Mia]

My spouse carries a small notepad with him and writes down things so that people don't talk to him when he goes somewhere without me. For a long time it was:

I have Laryngitis, please refrain from asking me questions, I am looking for _____ in the store. Thank you for your Help.

Sometimes he would make clearing his throat noises, to be convincing. It always worked.

Note: If he's forced to speak, he'll speak in a whisper is those situations.

 

[Rocco]

That above post!!! It's what I was going to say. I Have taken paper and pen in places and if someone speaks, I touch my throat and smile, and write an answer, or what ever. It minimizes communication. I used to practice a day of silence per week, and always had paper and pen for these glorious days. Good luck and best wishes to you friend. I'm so happy you enjoy the painting.

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

People frighten me very much. They are my worst fear. Rocco gave me a painting, I keep it on my wall and sometimes at night I lay in bed and just think about that painting and feel better. There are no people in the painting. It is a forest at night. Green trees, dark in the low evening light. Mountains behind with dark coming over from behind them and above all a sky with faint far off stars that give hope. No people.

I do not not like people. I can't understand them and in my thinking while trying to find patterns and make sense I often come to mistaken conclusions. I do not have the social skills I need. I won't. I think most of us won't.

It's a scary world when you know every time you go out and meet people you will never speak the language but they will always speak to you in it believing that you do. You know it will be trouble. You grow up learning to say as little as possible so you will make fewer mistakes. You learn not to mention sex, violence, religion or politics. So you, or maybe it's just me, you talk about science because you love science but you also think no on can be offended by it but people start to resent you because they think you are being elitist by showing you are smarter than they are. You were just trying to make friends and that didn't work out either.

I have alway said that I prefer objects to people but I think I am learning the truth that I do miss people, I just don't know how to be with them.

You learn not to mention sex, violence, religion or politics. So you, or maybe it's just me, you talk about science because you love science but you also think no on can be offended by it but people start to resent you because they think you are being elitist by showing you are smarter than they are. You were just trying to make friends and that didn't work out either.

I have alway said that I prefer objects to people but I think I am learning the truth that I do miss people, I just don't know how to be with them.[/QUOTE]

Yes, yes, yes. All this. This was me, exactly, at several times in my life. One of the best descriptions of a social aspie I've ever read.

I'm introverted, but social, and bad at being social, because aspie...this is just how I've felt. Got better, slowly, as I got older, through many mistakes. It was awkward, because the things I was good at (solving problems) kept getting me into situations that required I do things I was not good at (giving talks and meeting people).

Nice job, grommet.

 

[Datura]

If a sale's person approaches you they most likely want to see if they can help you find something, or (depending on the nature of the retail outlet) persuade you to spend money on something. They will likely throw in some social chit-chat, but this is mostly noise intended (ironically in your case) to make you more comfortable. Such chit-chat also serves the purpose of getting people to let down their gaurd and become more susceptible to sale's pitches.

Confusing as it all might be, you can rest assured that in 95% of cases the staff you encounter have very strait forward motivations: sell stuff, and make sure the customer walks away happy.

 

[AsheSkyler]

I usually duck my head and avoid eye contact when those sharks start swimming my way. I all but quit shopping at Walmart because of the door greeters. We used to go to Sears regularly and the whole family knew exactly at what speed and head angle they needed to run the gauntlet at the televisions and appliances. If I have to engage anybody but the cashier, it's a quick "I'm good" and walk away in the opposite direction. If they start stalking me, I usually mirror the aggression and run them off. If they make the cashier push me to take a survey on "my experience shopping with us today", I usually leave pretty negative feedback about how they push their people to be such irritating pests.

 

[watersprite]

I usually duck my head and avoid eye contact when those sharks start swimming my way. I all but quit shopping at Walmart because of the door greeters. We used to go to Sears regularly and the whole family knew exactly at what speed and head angle they needed to run the gauntlet at the televisions and appliances. If I have to engage anybody but the cashier, it's a quick "I'm good" and walk away in the opposite direction. If they start stalking me, I usually mirror the aggression and run them off. If they make the cashier push me to take a survey on "my experience shopping with us today", I usually leave pretty negative feedback about how they push their people to be such irritating pests.

Ashe nails it again: "irritating pests". I know they are human, (lol mostly - and not nt bashing just reality) but it helps me to survive to put some people into very strict categories. I live in a very small town where everyone knows everyone, so I have to be careful to put this mask on which is polite and superficially warm without letting the social noise and anxiety attack me.

 

[On the Inside]

The only hardware store near our family cabin is owned and operated by a very gregarious to the point of intrusive guy. You can't go in there for a box of nails without him trying to get you hang out and joke around with him. (the place is not very busy and it is his retirement hobby). I can get roped into his shenanigans and find it entertaining, but then I'll leave feeling really sidetracked. Luckily I know what I need for most anything I'll get involved in project-wise and I have done the full scan of the place so I know where everything is generally. I can go in there with a list (to keep me on track) and get out with minimal interaction. The guy will follow you around with his banter, though, so there is no getting through it unscathed.

For me, I generally like people, but have never really been aware of how susceptible I am for letting them sidetrack me, or even hijack me in another direction.

Good luck with your expedition.

 

[XAND]

If a sale's person approaches you they most likely want to see if they can help you find something, or (depending on the nature of the retail outlet) persuade you to spend money on something. They will likely throw in some social chit-chat, but this is mostly noise intended (ironically in your case) to make you more comfortable. Such chit-chat also serves the purpose of getting people to let down their gaurd and become more susceptible to sale's pitches.

Confusing as it all might be, you can rest assured that in 95% of cases the staff you encounter have very strait forward motivations: sell stuff, and make sure the customer walks away happy.

It definitely depends on the nature of the retail outlet. I worked retail for a long time and even with the NT ranks, grinding away at a thankless job at minimum wage for years does not really motivate one to engage with the customers any more than neccessary. Typically just a few managers were motivated enough to offer help at every opportunity. I always waited until approached by a customer, tried to be as helpful and otherwise-inert as possible, and moved on.

In any case, I'm sure you're right, and those few cases where they aren't motivated by profit, they're motivated by mandatory engagement rules and employee handbooks.

 

[AsheSkyler]

Ashe nails it again: "irritating pests". I know they are human, (lol mostly - and not nt bashing just reality) but it helps me to survive to put some people into very strict categories. I live in a very small town where everyone knows everyone, so I have to be careful to put this mask on which is polite and superficially warm without letting the social noise and anxiety attack me.

I'm not entirely convinced corporations are anything remotely near human. I feel I'm pretty far from NT bashing to say only the purely evil pushes their poor employees to do such deplorable things as if they're punishing them for needing a job and couldn't find anything better.

My local grocery store is different, thank goodness. Nearly all the same people who work there now were working there two years ago when I moved back to this area, so by this point it doesn't bother me to give them a real smile and carry on light conversation. It really helped they kept things strictly business, they only really act like friends to regular customers that might as well be friends.

 

[XAND]

My grocery started using self check-out a couple of years ago. It was something I had prayed for.

I find that hugely interesting having spent the better part of three decades panicked by checkout lane transactions and bank teller windows and appointment clerks and—the lowest circle of hell—the DMV. Upon encountering self checkouts, however, having assumed they would be ideal for me, I found a peculiar and intense hatred for them.

But I had learned over the years a few phrases and patterns to toss back at retail workers, and despite the surge of anxiety, I usually come out undamaged. The protocol there usually makes some sense to me (granted, at a surface level only). Of course I resent small talk, but I am at least able to game the system to get by at a bare minimum.

But self checkout machines were always disastrous for me, even more than dealing with people. The protocol of the self checkout machine is an elusive mystery, I can divine no substantial commonality from one system to the other. Every single time, something went wrong, no matter which store. Too often that would result in—incredibly!—a rotating beacon light and loud sound to get the attention of a nearby manager and ALSO EVERYONE ELSE IN THE STORE.

Of course the preference of a human cashier over an impersonal machine is contrary to my experience with most machines and ordered systems, where I feel at home, and also contrary to my experience with humans, where I feel intensely alienated. But I will likely never use one again.

There are no people in the painting. It is a forest at night. Green trees, dark in the low evening light. Mountains behind with dark coming over from behind them and above all a sky with faint far off stars that give hope. No people.

That was a beautiful thing to read and think about. I know that particular detail wasn't the point of your post, but thank you for sharing it.

 

[AsheSkyler]

I find that hugely interesting having spent the better part of three decades panicked by checkout lane transactions and bank teller windows and appointment clerks and—the lowest circle of hell—the DMV.

Ahhh, the good ol' DMV. The only place I've gone into with a notice on the front post which read "please do not bring bombs into the building with you". Anybody who has dealt with their level of customer service knows exactly what prompted people to want to blow it up in the first place. And that's not even counting some of the ridiculous rules they have or the level of stupidity it takes to understand those rules.

 

[Progster]

I don't like going into small stores where they come up and speak to you. I don't usually need assistance, and find it intrusive. If I need assistance, I'll ask for it. I just want to be left alone to browse. I rarely go into small stores for this reason, and prefer supermarkets.

 

[Beverly]

The sales people are trying to be there in case you need help finding something and, will usually ask "Can I help you?" Or some variation of that. Just tell them "I'm fine, I got this, or No thank you." And ignore them. The less you say, the sooner they get the hint that you don't need help and, don't want to be spoken to unless it's required for the transaction you are performing.

 

[Suzanne]

All I can say, is that I USED to feel this so much that like you, I wanted to hide away. I also HATED being asked something out of the blue, because it felt like I could not get my thoughts together fast enough, to respond and end up getting very funny looks, which at the time, I did not understand.

I guess for me, I have somehow adapted and now, rather than not being able to read faces, I can read too well and that is actually as uncomfortable as not being able to read faces!

And oh how I hate being asked if there is something I need help with? I would rather go in and be left alone. I feel so scrutinized and barely can look around and just want to get out of there!

I, too, am scared of people.

Have chronic social anxiety and honestly, if I need to just pop down a the road, which is literally just down the road from my home, if I see or hear people, I come back inside.

Monday's is the day I go to the bins, because Monday is the day, the bar/tabac is closed ( live in France and they are our neighbors). You see, when it is opened, people stand outside to have a cigarette and I just cannot stand walking passed them and actually go into surreal mode.

The only place that I lose all my social anxiety is when I am driving, but as yet, need to get a car!

 

[Naturalist]

I have found similar experiences at the hardware store, but am usually looking for something that is FAR too specific for the average floor associate, and they mumble a bit and look puzzled and then rush off to avoid looking stupid.

I do have an excruciatingly painful experience EVERY time I go to buy clothes, because the few stores who sell clothes I can bear to wear have sales associates who WILL NOT leave you alone. I find it so difficult to shop for clothes even in silence and solitude, but often--as today--every time I picked up one item of clothing, some "helpful" associate was shoving another item in my face, and asking me a slew of questions that were irrelevant to my task. (I just stared at her.) Anyway, I am tempted to write a letter to the store about it. I do hate it when sales people ignore me when I need their assistance, so I don't expect that; also, I don't mind that they greet me or offer help ONCE when I walk into the store. But the repeated, in-your-face, forced attention is really unnerving. I begin to suspect they want to fluster me so I make poor decisions and spend too much money in their store. Which makes me not want to go there. Sometimes after making selections, I try to find them again online instead of buying them at the shop. Which seems rude, but I feel traumatized every time I try to shop, and really dread it.

I think in the letter I would try to explain that not everyone likes to be waited on hand and foot. There has to be a balance between ignoring your customers (which increases chances of theft) and driving away good customers who are put off by the attention.

 

[Datura]

I recall there used to be an electronics store in my neigborhood where the sales reps would literally ambush customers as they tried to leave the store. I caught one hiding behind a cardboard display. When I walked past he darted out in front of me as if he were going somewhere in a hurry. He appologised, and then pretended like he knew me. This is a tactic they would use to strike up conversations and try to get you to sighn a piece of paper as they introduced you to their co-workers as "a friend."