My seven year old son was given psychometric testing at age four because we had been told by many people that he was unusually bright. I was also concerned about some aspects of his behaviour. We had originally thought his development was pretty "normal" but I should've noticed sooner that none of the advice in parenting books reflected his behaviour, let alone worked on him. I had been concerned about his behaviour for a while because he seemed to be overly excitable, and socially/emotionally out of step, among other things.
A couple of months before the testing took place he went through a weeks-long depression. It was definitely depression, not just some fleeting sadness. Nightly he would cry before sleep that it was the end of the world, and at kindergarten every day he would wander from activity to activity not really engaging at all. He would want to play with the teachers, not the other kids. It was awful watching such a small child go through that isolation and despair.
The testing placed him in the top 2% of kids his age, and the psychologist said the behavioural issues were just part and parcel of being exceptionally bright. I wasn't quite satisfied but felt I had no choice but to take her at her word and tried to implement the discipline method she suggested: namely, telling him about rules/expectations once and then when a misdemeanour occurred to take away something important to him (such as time at the park, or reading time, etc.). That didn't work.
It was a couple of years later that I found Asperger's for myself, when desperate to understand why I am such a grumpy grouch, intolerant of my kids' noise, etc. After that had sunk in, I started thinking about my son in a new light... It made sense in a new way. Something in my gut, some instinct, has always told me something is going on with my son. I just don't know what it is... I can't work out what he is thinking and he has learnt to avoid opening up to us because he is continually getting in trouble over his behaviour...it's understandably hard to open up to your mum when she is such a grouch and is prone to exploding. I was the same with mine.
I've wanted to do more testing for a couple of years, but my husband has been putting it off as not important, despite the psychologist saying our son should be retested at seven years. I understand how important it is to follow up and see where he is at as he grows, so we can adapt with him...but I've been talking to a brick wall.
I guess it is hard to understand when I struggle to explain it in words... It's not very convincing when I say my gut tells me he needs help.
I've noticed long term problems with our son's executive functioning, although my husband has explained it away as typical boy behaviour. Our son struggles to get to school on time because he is always getting distracted and can't understand that he needs to get ready before he can play... He doesn't notice things such as the fact he has daily problems with finding his school socks, and that it would make his life easier to make sure they are always set out the night before...and he doesn't pay attention to my several reminders a day about the socks. Verbal instructions get garbled up in his mind and he makes loads of mistakes with them, doesn't remember that throwing things inside is dangerous, etc. And he doesn't seem to get the big picture: the reason why we do these things the way we do. He is so caught up in his own thoughts that he doesn't really engage with the world.
But I think I've made a breakthrough with regards to his disengagement.
This morning I caught him trying to sneak toys to school again. I gently told him I understood he really wanted to take his soccer ball and sports quiz set but that it was against the school rules. Naturally he protested and whined and became teary about it. I rubbed his back, reassured him I got it, that it's hard when you can't do what you want because of the rules. He stood in the corner, facing away from me, so I offered him some time alone, which he accepted.
When I looked in ten minutes later, he had tears in his eyes and suddenly the truth came out: he needed something to do at recess and lunch because he has no one to play with. He is bored and lonely. Here we were thinking he was fairly popular thanks to being a sporty type, but it transpires that nobody else wants to do what he wants. I remember going through exactly the same thing: day after day with nobody to play with, pretending I was enjoying myself but really just sad and bored and desperate for company.
I did my best to reassure him I knew how he felt and how hard it is to be abandoned by friends and to spend all break times alone. I held him for ages while we talked (he is not a huggy type) and we connected for the first time in years. He answered my questions about school and friends and how he feels different from everyone else. My husband had always warned me against reinforcing his difference from other kids but I've always felt it would at least help him feel he has an ally in me... It just feels right to tell him how I have always felt different to everyone else, so I can emphasise the positives in being different. Hearing our son agree just confirmed everything I thought. I knew something was going on, and I knew he felt alien.
Does anyone have some advice about what to do now, what to say to him, how to help him cope?
We've never fully explained the testing he had when he was four, either. But i feel it is time to talk about that openly and explain that we will go through that again to find out more about how his brain works and how we can all be happier at school and home. I think he is old enough to know all this. He certainly is smart enough to understand. Does anyone have thoughts about this?
Thanks for reading this far. I really appreciate any advice. It feels so good, yet painful, to have made a breakthrough and I want to seize this chance to make life better for us all.
A couple of months before the testing took place he went through a weeks-long depression. It was definitely depression, not just some fleeting sadness. Nightly he would cry before sleep that it was the end of the world, and at kindergarten every day he would wander from activity to activity not really engaging at all. He would want to play with the teachers, not the other kids. It was awful watching such a small child go through that isolation and despair.
The testing placed him in the top 2% of kids his age, and the psychologist said the behavioural issues were just part and parcel of being exceptionally bright. I wasn't quite satisfied but felt I had no choice but to take her at her word and tried to implement the discipline method she suggested: namely, telling him about rules/expectations once and then when a misdemeanour occurred to take away something important to him (such as time at the park, or reading time, etc.). That didn't work.
It was a couple of years later that I found Asperger's for myself, when desperate to understand why I am such a grumpy grouch, intolerant of my kids' noise, etc. After that had sunk in, I started thinking about my son in a new light... It made sense in a new way. Something in my gut, some instinct, has always told me something is going on with my son. I just don't know what it is... I can't work out what he is thinking and he has learnt to avoid opening up to us because he is continually getting in trouble over his behaviour...it's understandably hard to open up to your mum when she is such a grouch and is prone to exploding. I was the same with mine.
I've wanted to do more testing for a couple of years, but my husband has been putting it off as not important, despite the psychologist saying our son should be retested at seven years. I understand how important it is to follow up and see where he is at as he grows, so we can adapt with him...but I've been talking to a brick wall.
I guess it is hard to understand when I struggle to explain it in words... It's not very convincing when I say my gut tells me he needs help.I've noticed long term problems with our son's executive functioning, although my husband has explained it away as typical boy behaviour. Our son struggles to get to school on time because he is always getting distracted and can't understand that he needs to get ready before he can play... He doesn't notice things such as the fact he has daily problems with finding his school socks, and that it would make his life easier to make sure they are always set out the night before...and he doesn't pay attention to my several reminders a day about the socks. Verbal instructions get garbled up in his mind and he makes loads of mistakes with them, doesn't remember that throwing things inside is dangerous, etc. And he doesn't seem to get the big picture: the reason why we do these things the way we do. He is so caught up in his own thoughts that he doesn't really engage with the world.
But I think I've made a breakthrough with regards to his disengagement.
This morning I caught him trying to sneak toys to school again. I gently told him I understood he really wanted to take his soccer ball and sports quiz set but that it was against the school rules. Naturally he protested and whined and became teary about it. I rubbed his back, reassured him I got it, that it's hard when you can't do what you want because of the rules. He stood in the corner, facing away from me, so I offered him some time alone, which he accepted.
When I looked in ten minutes later, he had tears in his eyes and suddenly the truth came out: he needed something to do at recess and lunch because he has no one to play with. He is bored and lonely. Here we were thinking he was fairly popular thanks to being a sporty type, but it transpires that nobody else wants to do what he wants. I remember going through exactly the same thing: day after day with nobody to play with, pretending I was enjoying myself but really just sad and bored and desperate for company.
I did my best to reassure him I knew how he felt and how hard it is to be abandoned by friends and to spend all break times alone. I held him for ages while we talked (he is not a huggy type) and we connected for the first time in years. He answered my questions about school and friends and how he feels different from everyone else. My husband had always warned me against reinforcing his difference from other kids but I've always felt it would at least help him feel he has an ally in me... It just feels right to tell him how I have always felt different to everyone else, so I can emphasise the positives in being different. Hearing our son agree just confirmed everything I thought. I knew something was going on, and I knew he felt alien.
Does anyone have some advice about what to do now, what to say to him, how to help him cope?
We've never fully explained the testing he had when he was four, either. But i feel it is time to talk about that openly and explain that we will go through that again to find out more about how his brain works and how we can all be happier at school and home. I think he is old enough to know all this. He certainly is smart enough to understand. Does anyone have thoughts about this?
Thanks for reading this far. I really appreciate any advice. It feels so good, yet painful, to have made a breakthrough and I want to seize this chance to make life better for us all.
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