Being the lemon in the relationship

[Odd Duck 1357]

Just saw a post about NTs feeling traumatized in a relationship with an Aspie. The article describing the relationship trauma might have been written by my spouse, who is often convinced he "bought a lemon" when he fell in love with me. He also thinks I use my AS diagnosis as an excuse to get a free pass on responsibility for temper tantrums, social gaffes and so on.

My mother thought she bought lemons too when she found motherhood so hard, she put my sister and me in an orphanage- so this lemon thing just pisses me off.

My husband feels held back by a spouse who is not a true partner; I point out that a "normal" person could not keep up with him. I feel like it would take Superwoman to please him, much less an Aspie! But his idea that pretty much everything is my fault is insulting because, heaven knows, I try. It's like I'm the dairy maid who married the lord of the manor- from another planet!

Back to the toxic relationship thing, I don't think NTs acknowledge the pressure Aspies are under to not merely perform in a critical world but to please someone who is too hurt by the unfairness of it all to understand the kind of pressure we Aspies operate under. Or the anxiety we feel daily when we internalize the criticism and feel we are not and cannot be good enough.

Does anyone else think this is rather unfair? I mean, NTs have the whole damn world. Every fringe group is pushing for acceptance and compassion. Why not us? Because we don't have skin of a strange color or speak with a foreign accent or worship some bizarre deity, because our only difference is our brain itself? I feel like I'd have more friends and acceptance in this world if I were a Scientologist transgendered biracial handicapped female militia member than having a brain with different wiring!

 

[xudo]

who is often convinced he "bought a lemon" when he fell in love with me

My husband feels held back by a spouse who is not a true partner

But his idea that pretty much everything is my fault is insulting because, heaven knows

To be blunt, your husband sounds like a douche. He should love you and not be slagging you off regardless of any issues you have, ASD related or not.

Does anyone else think this is rather unfair? I mean, NTs have the whole damn world.

Yes, it's unfair. Ultimately, there are far more people in other marginalised groups and they are far more vocal than most people on the spectrum are likely to be. That's not to say that there aren't people with ASD out there trying to advocate for us or to make NT's and the world in general more knowledgeable about ASD.

 

[WereBear]

I agree. Your husband sounds like he wants to keep you constantly feeling "grateful" to him for putting up with you, and that's no basis for a loving partnership.

There's nothing "wrong" with me. I'm just different. And my own NT husband found out the same day I did; and he responded with, "I don't want this to change anything between us."

I said, "You knew I was weird when you married me."

It hasn't changed our love for each other or the things we feel in love over. Why should it? I'm me. That is who he liked.

That is how you should see it. You can't change this husband and I suspect, like you, he would pull this controlling and belittling stuff on anyone, NT or not.

Sorry to hear.

 

[Keigan]

Your husband would not know the first thing about being a man, let alone a partner.

Most NT individuals do not have the awareness that we have, nor the need for monitoring of self, nor the Ned for self-discipline to manage self - in short, they are driven by their emotions and not accountable for their actions. So they go around doing and say what they want with no regards for the people around them.

 

[xudo]

I said, "You knew I was weird when you married me."

I couldn't count how many times @VenomousAlbino and I have said this to each other

 

[wsilence]

Hi there. I'm NT here, 30 years old and my significant one is on spectrum. There are hours when we don't talk to each other because she need to get her thoughts in order (poor explanation, but simple enough) and any interaction distracts her. Rationally, I know what it is but every time I worry about that very much because I feel that may be she misunderstood some of my actions and feel disappointed at me. In addition, emotionally I can't believe that it is ok for her. Well it is not okay but I can't do a thing to help her. Also, I find very hard to synchronize my own affection to her random periods of diving into thoughts and often take it personally like if she loves me less. But actually I do know she loves me very much so I suffer about that silently and never blame her. You may say I lack confidence in her love, but normally I don't, but in these situations I simply can't truly accept what's going on.
Can you please make some advices or tell something you think I miss for me or maybe ask some questions?
PS. Sorry for my poor english, btw I'm not the same guy as in original post.

 

[Warmheart]

You are not a broken neurotypical, you are a whole autistic.

You are exactly as your neurotype is supposed to be.

Just like your hubby, me, and everyone else-- you are a flawed partner in a relationship with a flawed partner.
We're all works in progress, each human alive.

We need to practice self care, and part of valuing ourselves is to be true to who and what we are. Autism gives us many strengths. My mates have never complained about my honesty, hyperfocus abilities, appreciating details others miss, and loyalty.

Nobody should judge you for your neurology.

You be you.

 

[watersprite]

You are not a broken neurotypical, you are a whole autistic. ....

@Warmheart

 

[tree]

When I saw the title to this thread, I supposed that
"Being the lemon in the relationship" was going to be
about being the interesting zingy one that brought
flavor to the thing.

That's what lemons do, after all.

 

[Warmheart]

Zest. We has it.

 

[When In Rome]

When life gives you lemons - make lemonade.

 

[ksheehan88]

Yeah your husband is a dick.

 

[When In Rome]

I just read the OP's post in full and having absorbed it, I certainly connect with the explanation and agree with @ksheehan88

 

[Aura Todd]

My X used to start off calling me names then he started hitting me, I think you have to ask yourself if your husband someone who'd you want to grow old with?

 

[Jusdifferent]

On being "the lemon"... Okay, so I freak at loud, sudden noise; constantly "jig"/fidget/rock; refuse to attend social events, unless wearing shades and buds; and have a laugh that sounds like Arnold Horshack on crack... And the list goes on... BUT... I am honest, loyal, decent, intelligent, tolerant, respectful, a hard worker, and can laugh at myself... And the list goes on... The point is : there are "pluses and minuses" to having an aspie mate. ( My AS makes me naturally persistant/comitted, non-superficial, honest, intelligent, techie/nerdy... ) I suppose like anything else, it is a case of "choosing your poison"???

*About a year ago, I got into weightlifting. ( My mate often comes in to find me finishing sets, in between finishing up dinner. ) One day I had my dumbbells on the kitchen counter, right next to the lasagne pan. He said : "Wow, it looks like a combination of Betty Crocker's kitchen, and Gold's gym in here!" "Oh, sorry.", I said. He then replied : "I wasn't complaining." IOW : Don't be so quick to sell yourself short. ( The world will try and do that enough. Don't give it any help.) Jus sayin...

 

[Jusdifferent]

You are not a broken neurotypical, you are a whole autistic.

You are exactly as your neurotype is supposed to be.

Just like your hubby, me, and everyone else-- you are a flawed partner in a relationship with a flawed partner.
We're all works in progress, each human alive.

We need to practice self care, and part of valuing ourselves is to be true to who and what we are. Autism gives us many strengths. My mates have never complained about my honesty, hyperfocus abilities, appreciating details others miss, and loyalty.

Nobody should judge you for your neurology.

You be you.

Rock on with your bad self Love to Warmheart <3

 

[stratozyck]

I am happily married and my wife is normal. I didn't really think of myself as odd but the more I have interacted with others over my 33 years its apparent that something isn't normal.

My wife has knew me for about 8 years before we got married. She likes to be friends with everyone and do social things that I do not understand the importance of. But, that aspect of her personality is the reason we met in the first place. I messaged her randomly online and she was willing to meet with me for lunch despite her being engaged at that time. Eight short years later (the engagement fell apart on its own) we are married.

She doesn't try to change me, which is something that I assumed most spouses would try to do. I don't think that if someone is frustrated it doesn't mean they don't love you enough. My wife is very understanding but now and then she still gets frustrated. I have pretty much stopped traveling (I really dislike sleeping in different places) and I know at some point she will force me to, and that's ok. She is ok with me taking up the entire lower level of our house with my hobbies (and keeping it relatively dark).

Everyone's a lemon to some degree. I get frustrated with my wife's "friends with everyone" approach. I see her make friends with people that aren't deserving of her friendship or try to take advantage of her niceness. I think she's too optimistic on things and is a scary driver but we manage. I could see a time when we are retired and she wants to travel the world or something and I'd rather disengage and that might cause issues down the road but those are problems I'd like to have (enough money not to work!).

 

[WereBear]

One of the ways my NT spouse works with my Aspie self is that we are both artists. We both need alone time to create.

He also has a chronic illness which drains his energies; we both understand what it is like for our "filters to be down" and need to withdraw from the world.

By this mutual understanding of needs, we do very well, but it can apply to any combination. We are not going to marry a clone of ourselves; whoever we are, we are unique.

We are always going to negotiate difference.

 

[OkRad]

Wow!!! A lemon??!!! What a terrible thing to refer to your wife as!!! Base, mean, condescending ! I bet he would not like it if you referred to him as an asshole his whole life, . Lemons can be awesome. Assholes never.

 

[Warmheart]

And too, we really have to consider the depth of empathy of the person calling *us* the lemons...