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Attempts at understanding my Aspie friend

N

Nyan

Well-Known Member
Hi :)

I am what you would call an NT girl I guess and have recently made friends with a guy who has Aspergers. He's lovely, very affectionate and I think is doing quite well at dealing with his symptoms. The problem is that I am unsure of his intentions. He is at my church and youth group and is always coming up to talk to me, and being a bit overly affectionate by draping his arm around me, hugging me for a bit too long, and has recently asked me to come over to his place for dinner. Unfortunately I sort of non comittedly agreed to it once during conversation, but I didn't really think about it. I now understand that if you had agreed to an Aspie to do something, they expect you to follow through. He's becoming very persistent about it now, but I don't know how to let him know that I wouldn't feel comfortable about it without hurting his feelings or upsetting him. :/ He's a lovely guy and I'd love to be friends with him, but I'm definitely not interested in anything more. And I'm not even sure if he is interested in me - he does the hug till death thing with a lot of other people.

Anyways, any tips on handling this? :)
 
Hey Hey,
I am a girl with AS I tend to be huggy only with people I am comfy with. The best way to avoid hurting his feelings is to be direct and honest. Just be like I know I agreed to come over but I realize that I am not comfortable with that yet. Let him know that you want to be friends but that you were unsure of his intentions and be honest. We need honesty. I am the same way. I had an ex-friend who used to promise me she would be online all the time and didn't understand the big deal it was for me if she didn't. I would become very upset. I say this because I wish she would have just said to me like I don't know if I can get online all the time so don't expect it. That would have helped. So that is my suggestions. I wish you luck.
 
This is the kind of situation I get in all the time and it's the same way round too. He may get upset about it but you need to be 100% straight up and honest about how you are feeling, to will be the best in the end. I still get hooked on people and when they aren't able to do the things I want them too, I can take it really to heart, even when they are trying their hardest to not do that. It's always best to be as honest as you can and then he will get over it quicker than if you skirt around the subject.

PS, i think you are bloody awesome to try and get some help with this and came on to a forum for Aspies to get advice. I wish my friends where like you.. Take care and hope all goes well... Keep us updated hun!!
 
I concur, total honesty is the only way to tackle this. But I do think that before you cancel the dinner, you should ask him what his intentions are.

"Did you invite me because you like me as a girlfriend or just a friend?"

He might just want to be your friend. For me, friendships are the equivalent of romantic relationships: they're the most intimate relationships I can forge and in having them I'm overflowing with joy and feeling very proud of myself and complete as a human being. This might be why he is so affectionate towards you.

Also, I agree with LikeyouToMe that it is terrific that you are using this resource and seeking to understand him.

My friends don't really ask about my Asperger's, but I think that's because I've spoken publicly about it at school so often so everyone in my year has at least a decent understanding of it.
 
Nyan said:
I don't know how to let him know that I wouldn't feel comfortable about it without hurting his feelings or upsetting him.
Click to expand...

See, the irony here is that it's usually we who are afraid to hurt your feelings, so we learn not to be direct with you. We don't know how to be subtle, either. Often people think I'm flirting when I'm just friendly.

If you tell an aspie the truth about something, even if it is your feelings, we'll be like: "okay, so that is the reality of things and that's what I'm dealing with here."

Unfortunately, if you tell us a lie about something, we will still be like, "okay, reality; I better just deal with it accordingly." So if you are not direct and honest with him, you will absolutely, with one hundred percent certainty hurt his feelings, because he will build expectations based on what you tell him and be disappointed when reality stops behaving accordingly. Just tell him now, you'll save both of you so much time and energy.
 
Hey thanks for all the great advice! :D I'll definitely be coming back here if I need help again!

Unfortunately I'm very unassertive and I shy away from conflict so it will be hard for me to be brutally honest, but it will be for the best. Time to grow some lady balls! Wish me luck! ^_^
 
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