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Aspies and NT'S

Shane

Active Member
What's the opinions on aspies and NT'S having a successful relationship together? What are some key factors?
 
What's the opinions on aspies and NT'S having a successful relationship together? What are some key factors?
It could be possible. I was with someone for 8 years. It was sad things came to an end but **** happens in life. I do have faith aspies and NT'S can have an successful relationship.
 
I'm an Aspie married to an NT, and my experience is that communicating was probably the single most important factor to sustain our relationship.
I started our marriage with the mantra "I'm not a mind reader. He is not a mind-reader. So let's talk."
 
I'm with someone who is neurotypical, and as others have said, communication is everything. My boyfriend is very patient and understanding, so that has definitely helped a lot. But on top of that, we try to be completely honest with each other. We have no secrets. Considering that we've been together for almost three years and are long-distance, I'd say we're doing well.
 
Yes, I agree communciation is paramount. I get on ok with some NT's , others are just a drag. A lot won't make any effort to look at things from a different perspective. Those ones I ignore.
 
Sometimes I feel like what I want doesn't exist. I've been told I'm a drama queen and I make people uncomfortable that don't know me. I want to feel loved and matter to the person. I want them to show me. I like the physical connection but I'm told I'm insecure.
 
Sometimes I feel like what I want doesn't exist. I've been told I'm a drama queen and I make people uncomfortable that don't know me. I want to feel loved and matter to the person. I want them to show me. I like the physical connection but I'm told I'm insecure.
That makes two of us.
 
I am married to a NT and we are very happy. While things have been good for quite a few years, it hasn't always been great. We were first married in the seventies and we've been married three times, to each other! She has divorced me twice. We always got back together and each time it was better. Now, being a older couple, not only want to be together. We need to be together. What's the secret? For us- love, communication and understanding.
 
Thanks for the responses. Right now I'm having an issue with not always feeling the love from her but she says that makes me insecure
 
What's the opinions on aspies and NT'S having a successful relationship together? What are some key factors?

Once they learn to understand each other then these have the potential to be great relationships! One of the most important points to a relationships, Aspies especially listen. In a relationship you are effectively sharing a life together! Thinking of only yourself will certainly lead to disaster! Also, when life gets stressful it is common to vent at your partner sometimes. It's just the way life works sometimes! Aspies, confide in your partner as you may realise they can help you a lot with your own mind. You just have to let them and also try and learn about them. What makes them happy, what makes them sad and listen carefully! Once you know your partner very well it's a lot easier to predict their next move! The point to leave this on is always think of the consequences of allpossible outcomes. For all you mathematical Aspies, the world is a game of probabilities! Rather than pin all your hopes on outcome, spread your energy! Eg 'I hope my friend is on time when I go and meet them but if not I will do "such and such" until they get here' this is a simple example of thinking ahead here!
 
What's the opinions on aspies and NT'S having a successful relationship together? What are some key factors?
As others have said, understanding and communication.

I'm NT, or so I assume, I'm an oddball. Anyway, my bf asked me once if I thought he acted that way to hurt me. It made me realize that no matter how crazy or infuriating the things he says or does sometimes are, he's not trying to consciously harm me.I always keep that in mind.

Try to remember to tell her you love her sometimes, even if it might seem odd. My boyfriend once told me that he had told me he loved me once, and that he'd inform me if that changed. I wasn't impressed. :)
 
I would like to and to do a lot more but if she doesn't say it back then it makes me feel bad. There are s lot of other issues going on too. I've made some mistakes in the past and I thought things were fine but now she's guarded and it wasn't always like this.
 
I tell my bf that I love him every day, regardless of if he says it back or not. I like telling him. I asked him straight out how he felt about it, and he said he liked it. so I continue. In a way, being with an Aspie is much more straight forward than being with an NT guy.I don't have to doubt whether he's honest in the things he does and says.

It sounds like you guys really need to talk about your problems.
 
I was told in the "NT and Aspie Communication" thread that because I like talking so much to my friends and keeping in contact almost daily that I might be seen as being "too clingy". That pisses me off actually. What I say to that is if someone thinks that I'm being "too clingy" just tell me and you won't hear from me again. I can cut a person off that isn't appreciating my friendship like flipping off a switch. I'd rather be around no one than someone who thinks of my friendship as me being "too clingy".
 
I was told in the "NT and Aspie Communication" thread that because I like talking so much to my friends and keeping in contact almost daily that I might be seen as being "too clingy". That pisses me off actually. What I say to that is if someone thinks that I'm being "too clingy" just tell me and you won't hear from me again. I can cut a person off that isn't appreciating my friendship like flipping off a switch. I'd rather be around no one than someone who thinks of my friendship as me being "too clingy".
To an NT person, telling someone they're clingy would be pretty rude. They might give you hints which you probably miss. You could tell them straight out that you realize that you might sometimes be a bit too intense, and to let you know if they need some space. If they're good friends who care about you, they will.
 
I've been married to an NT woman for 25 years, and she hasn't kicked me out yet. :)

They say that a good relationship takes work, and I believe that to be true, especially for the Aspie in the relationship. By work, I don't mean that it's hard, but that you have to actually think about it and do things intentionally, that may come naturally to other NTs. For example - I still catch myself thinking - "Wow, I've been kind of off doing my own thing for a while, perhaps I'm neglecting my wife. I need to get up and go focus on her for a while." This may sound forced or artificial to NTs, but I promise you it is a clear sign of genuine love. If we didn't love them, we wouldn't do it.

It's just the way (my) Aspie mind works. It's not that I am forcing myself to be affectionate and attentive. I love her and want to be a good husband. I just have to remember, consciously, to go to do it.

From her side, it takes the willingness to understand and accept the little Aspie traits. We got past the "please don't blame me for not reading your mind" stage. I have told her that she needs to tell me things if she needs me to know them, and that is not bothering me nor imposing on me to do so. The learning curve for them, is that we are asking them to do things that would appear to be rude, if done by one NT to another, but to us they are appreciated. Conversely, she has learned not to be offended if I say things to her that are the simple conveying of information. We often communicate in ways that would have an emotional subtext, if said by one NT to another, but we aren't trying to send that second message.

The other observation I have is that, if you want to have a relationship with an NT (or anyone), you have to bring something worthwhile or useful to the relationship. The other person needs to get something out of it, long enough to sustain the relationship until the mutual trust, understanding, and willingness to forgive and learn is well established. Otherwise you are trying to make them do all of the work for little gain.

Now in our particular case, there were two extrinsic factors that I think may have helped the relationship survive through some difficult times here and there: 1 - we have always worked different schedules, so I have always had plenty of "me" time without feeling guilty that I wasn't spending time with her. So that when we did have time together, it was always fun. Kind of like we were still dating for 20 years. 2 - we never had children. I am not sure how the stresses and life changes from having and raising kids would have affected me, or the relationship. Note that I am NOT suggesting Aspies should not or can't have kids, or that kids would damage a relationship. It's just that in my case we did not.
 

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