Aspies and lack of emotion

[FreakyZettairyouiki]

I am venting about this because I've noticed that out of all the Aspies I've seen or met, most of them have a lot of trouble expressing their feelings and come off as lacking sympathy or empathy (even though I know that's not necessarily the case). I realize alexithymia is common on the spectrum but it's frustrating because whenever I have a conversation with a few Aspies I know, these people tend to give one word responses like "Okay" or "I'm sorry" whenever I pour out my feelings to them and it's so annoying to me because I'm going through so much stuff and I want to have a good conversation. The reason why I came here is because I want to meet people like me, especially around my age, that can relate to the turbulent storms that I am going through in my life, with Aspergers, depression, low self esteem, a mind thats thinking about so many things that make you want to explode. Even now I have to balance my education with my spare time and coming here and I've realized this is more of a priority for me but it seems I'm not getting much out of it. I have met one Aspie that has sent me emails upon emails about their situation and this person always asks me questions and reciprocates my feelings well and I don't mind writing paragraph upon paragraph to them because I know we both express our emotions the same way and they won't be bothered by it.

Anyways, someone told me that it seems I'm just more in touch with my emotions. Ironically, my whole life I had been bottling up my feelings and it was difficult for me to say how I felt as a result, because I didn't trust anyone. Now because of my situation, I've been forced to become more introspective and reflect on my thoughts and my mind and my feelings as a form of cognitive behavioral therapy. I want to understand myself and be honest with myself. I ask myself what's wrong with me. So since I've rarely met people that can reciprocate in our exchanges, it's made me feel worse. When they barely respond, if they do at all, I feel like I'm doing something wrong or that I'm crazy. I think this is why I was subtly treated as a pariah by NTs for years. I never fully saw the other side of coin until now really, since I'm not a great small talker or not the best with conversations irl. I was wondering if anyone had a similiar experience? Are you more aware of your emotions than other Aspies?

 

[Judge]

Personally I've always suspected many of us simply don't project our emotions in a way that is easily noticed or understood. That what may be in our hearts somehow gets lost if we try to communicate our feelings in the most conventional of ways and in real-time.

That while so many of us are so articulate here on this forum, that we may well just "clam up" in person and in real-time communication.

 

[Pondering]

My feelings are kind of like an ocean where the deeper I go, the harder it is to access or understand. I know my surface feelings like lightweight debris - doesn't sink to the bottom because they're not weighty enough. Clear. Easy to understand. These are in-the-moment feelings in real time. Deep emotions sink to the bottom of my heart where it is metaphorically dark (as in I literally have no idea what is there unless someone says something that forces me to dive for them). I have deep feelings I didn't even know I had until someone says something and I start crying very hard. Sometimes I cry hard but don't feel it. I don't know why. But I'm normally not expressive with any of my emotions. Other than that, I'm in touch with my feelings. It's important to not let negative emotions poison you or other people. To let them go in a healthy way. That's what's important.

 

[Bolletje]

I'm very much in touch with my emotions. I occasionally have trouble expressing them in a way that makes sense to everyone else, but I've been getting better at this with age.

 

[Datura]

I have been told that I am a very emphatic person, but this is mostly untrue. I am more sympathetic. I try to understand other people's perspectives and listen to what they are saying. Rarely do I actually feel an other persons emotions.

Conversely, I have sometimes been accused of being "cold" or "unromantic" in my personal relationships, and am sometimes accused of being rude, though I don't really understand what I did wrong. I also don't get excited by the same things that other people do. Large gifts of money elicit very little response from me. Frankly, when I see people win prizes on television I just thing, "jeez, calm down!"

I do relate to your frustrations with a lack of response from people. I have known a couple of individuals who, after I had spoken a couple of paragraphs regarding my thoughts and feelings would only provide me with a cursory response. I began to wonder if there was something wrong with me, that what I was saying just wasn't engaging or important. I even really liked one of these people, but being around her always made me feel inadequate. I can't say weather or not she was on the spectrum, but the behavior you mention is rather disheartening.

 

[Hopeless_Aspie_Guy]

but it's frustrating because whenever I have a conversation with a few Aspies I know, these people tend to give one word responses like "Okay" or "I'm sorry" whenever I pour out my feelings to them and it's so annoying to me because I'm going through so much stuff and I want to have a good conversation. The reason why I came here is because I want to meet people like me, especially around my age, that can relate to the turbulent storms that I am going through in my life, with Aspergers, depression, low self esteem, a mind thats thinking about so many things that make you want to explode.

Yer vague responses to questions and conversation are never easy for me to deal with because I'm a naturally expressive person who always likes to speak his mind and discuss feelings and other issues. Inner turbulence from chaotic thoughts is something that really drags me down and scares me these days .
Can I also ask where you live, because your photo set implies somewhere like Korea or Japan?

I've been forced to become more introspective and reflect on my thoughts and my mind and my feelings as a form of cognitive behavioral therapy.

I love that word 'introspective' and yer that's very much CBT summed up in one word.

When they barely respond, if they do at all, I feel like I'm doing something wrong or that I'm crazy. I think this is why I was subtly treated as a pariah by NTs for years. I never fully saw the other side of coin until now really, since I'm not a great small talker or not the best with conversations irl. I was wondering if anyone had a similiar experience? Are you more aware of your emotions than other Aspies?

You may find a lot of aspies (separated from other aspies by miles and miles) feel this in groups or around others sadly. I can certainly relate.

 

[Suzanne]

I hear you very much! I am an emotional aspie and hate it, quite honestly.

My emotions are all over the place and like you, despite never been able to express how I feel, I have had to face my emotions, but am dreadful when I hear: how are you etc? I just cannot answer.

Yes, it is very difficult when you take courage and spill forth with emotions and get: ok, oh sorry and nothing else.

I admit that I do lack empathy in a few situations, but know that the person is searching for sympathy and so, I am afraid try to search for words that will comfort them, but in truth, not feel too sincere about it.

Other times, I am brimming over with empathy. So, it really is dependant on the situation.

 

[Peatsmoke]

I've always been pretty emotional; I had to learn to suppress that a bit when I was in my early teens, because it was making life quite hellish. But I wasn't particularly aware of my emotions, and I certainly couldn't express them, until much later, maybe late 20s-early 30s, and only after being in a long-term relationship which gave me very little choice - either learn to communicate at least a bit of what I was feeling, or watch the relationship become more and more dysfunctional and my mind start to disintegrate.

Now, I'm able to express what I'm feeling pretty well; I think I can even say I'm more aware of that than most people I meet. As others have said, Aspies feel emotions just as much as NTs (and maybe more intensely than NTs, often), but it's often very difficult for us to put those feelings into words. Which can be frustrating.

 

[ksheehan88]

I am very emotional, and very empathetic.

Sometimes I won't know what to say/type, but I FEEL the pain/sadness/anger, I'm just unable to articulate it

 

[xudo]

I'm not particularly emotional. I can do sympathy, but not empathy, because personally, I cannot put myself in another persons shoes or see something from their perspective. This leads to people thinking that I am being cold hearted and rude. This is obviously not my intention, and my Mum is the main one to point it out...but I think that has more to do with the fact that she has too much emotion (if you see what I mean).

I also have problems with expressing emotions and putting into words how I am feeling.

 

[WereBear]

I am a TOTAL EMPATH. Almost like that episode on Star Trek!

I feel what is happening to others with uncanny, sometimes distressing, intensity.

 

[FreakyZettairyouiki]

It seems a lot of people are confused about the difference btw empathy and sympathy and so was I. A quick google search helped me. Empathy means that you have the ability to recognize, understand and feel someone else's emotions while sympathy means you just feel sorry for them. You're not emotionally connected with them.

Personally I've always suspected many of us simply don't project our emotions in a way that is easily noticed or understood. That what may be in our hearts somehow gets lost if we try to communicate our feelings in the most conventional of ways and in real-time.

That while so many of us are so articulate here on this forum, that we may well just "clam up" in person and in real-time communication.

My experience talking to everyday people had given me experience with my emotions and after bottling up my emotions for years I felt so relieved to express myself to my therapist or in writing. However I am like you. I am usually not that coherent in person, even if I memorize what I say. I would say now I am getting better now that I take medication but i still worry about saying things people don't like, like even today my family members were frustrated with me for something I was saying and at that moment I felt like pinching myself.

My feelings are kind of like an ocean where the deeper I go, the harder it is to access or understand. I know my surface feelings like lightweight debris - doesn't sink to the bottom because they're not weighty enough. Clear. Easy to understand. These are in-the-moment feelings in real time. Deep emotions sink to the bottom of my heart where it is metaphorically dark (as in I literally have no idea what is there unless someone says something that forces me to dive for them). I have deep feelings I didn't even know I had until someone says something and I start crying very hard. Sometimes I cry hard but don't feel it. I don't know why. But I'm normally not expressive with any of my emotions. Other than that, I'm in touch with my feelings. It's important to not let negative emotions poison you or other people. To let them go in a healthy way. That's what's important.

That's what I'm trying to do now. I would also say I have multiple facets to myself. It takes extreme situations to really peel aside the layers of myself and be like "what's with all the ********?" And I've gotten better and more mature with my emotions over time.

I have been told that I am a very emphatic person, but this is mostly untrue. I am more sympathetic. I try to understand other people's perspectives and listen to what they are saying. Rarely do I actually feel an other persons emotions.

Conversely, I have sometimes been accused of being "cold" or "unromantic" in my personal relationships, and am sometimes accused of being rude, though I don't really understand what I did wrong. I also don't get excited by the same things that other people do. Large gifts of money elicit very little response from me. Frankly, when I see people win prizes on television I just thing, "jeez, calm down!"

I do relate to your frustrations with a lack of response from people. I have known a couple of individuals who, after I had spoken a couple of paragraphs regarding my thoughts and feelings would only provide me with a cursory response. I began to wonder if there was something wrong with me, that what I was saying just wasn't engaging or important. I even really liked one of these people, but being around her always made me feel inadequate. I can't say weather or not she was on the spectrum, but the behavior you mention is rather disheartening.

You can be empathetic without necessarily feeling someone's emotions. You still understand and recognize their difficulty. You don't have to have an 100% emotionally connected to someone to be empathetic. You just got to express some form of understanding. Sympathy only implies that you feel sorry for them not that you understand what they're feeling. So I would say you're both. Just maybe stronger in one than the other. I too have been accused of being cold and also unapproachable. My roommate berated me for not saying hi when I came back home a few times last year and the first time I just said to her awkwardly "I'm just tired" after she decided to tell at me when I was there for 30 minutes. The next time I said I was tired again and then she insulted me saying stuff like "people will hate you" while I tried to explain to her, with difficulty, that I didn't have any bad intentions. Then my other roommate openly said to her guy friend on her video chat that I don't like people. As if that was a joke. And yet they call me cold. I've also been called book but not street smart and for a long time I did feel like a cold heartless ***** but I realize NTs can be worse than me.

Yer vague responses to questions and conversation are never easy for me to deal with because I'm a naturally expressive person who always likes to speak his mind and discuss feelings and other issues. Inner turbulence from chaotic thoughts is something that really drags me down and scares me these days .
Can I also ask where you live, because your photo set implies somewhere like Korea or Japan?



I love that word 'introspective' and yer that's very much CBT summed up in one word.



You may find a lot of aspies (separated from other aspies by miles and miles) feel this in groups or around others sadly. I can certainly relate.

Lol I'm just a kpop, not JPOP, fan thought I do watch Japanese shows. I live in the US NE

I hear you very much! I am an emotional aspie and hate it, quite honestly.

My emotions are all over the place and like you, despite never been able to express how I feel, I have had to face my emotions, but am dreadful when I hear: how are you etc? I just cannot answer.

Yes, it is very difficult when you take courage and spill forth with emotions and get: ok, oh sorry and nothing else.

I admit that I do lack empathy in a few situations, but know that the person is searching for sympathy and so, I am afraid try to search for words that will comfort them, but in truth, not feel too sincere about it.

Other times, I am brimming over with empathy. So, it really is dependant on the situation.

I felt like I'm not really expressing sincer empathy or sympathy either in certain situations like when I saw my roommate crying. I knew how she felt. I just didn't know how to express that I felt sorry for her AND understood how she felt. I think in these situations with the other aspies I talk to it was more of a lack of empathy issue because I don't even think there was an emotional connection tbh, or at least they didn't have the skills to properly convey that they knew how I feel. Their basic responses implied SOME form of sympathy, however it was very little, but I didn't detect any empathy at all.

 

[xudo]

It seems a lot of people are confused about the difference btw empathy and sympathy and so was I. A quick google search helped me. Empathy means that you have the ability to recognize, understand and feel someone else's emotions while sympathy means you just feel sorry for them. You're not emotionally connected with them.

Exactly. I don't think this is just a thing for people on the spectrum though as I know NT's who don't know the difference. This is why when the topic arises, I always explain that while I can sympathise, I cannot empathise.

 

[cory]

I think you can tell by the avatar I've chosen that I don't express emotions very outwardly. I also have trouble talking about them in depth, and when I do I'm often so misunderstood that I've become very guarded and only trust a few people to actually get into a conversation in the first place. On your empathy/sympathy point I think something that is overall lacking in the aspie conversation about is compassion. I define empathy as more of a knee jerk response as to where you automatically take someone's viewpoint or emotional state. I, and I think a lot of people on the spectrum have trouble with that. Compassion is the intellectualization of that mental action. It is learned and I think more useful than empathy.

 

[EricD]

I wear my emotions on my sleeve. The notion that Aspies are Vulcan-like is a myth. I'm more Klingon, and proud of it.

 

[AidenMaccullagh]

I am venting about this because I've noticed that out of all the Aspies I've seen or met, most of them have a lot of trouble expressing their feelings and come off as lacking sympathy or empathy (even though I know that's not necessarily the case). I realize alexithymia is common on the spectrum but it's frustrating because whenever I have a conversation with a few Aspies I know, these people tend to give one word responses like "Okay" or "I'm sorry" whenever I pour out my feelings to them and it's so annoying to me because I'm going through so much stuff and I want to have a good conversation. The reason why I came here is because I want to meet people like me, especially around my age, that can relate to the turbulent storms that I am going through in my life, with Aspergers, depression, low self esteem, a mind thats thinking about so many things that make you want to explode. Even now I have to balance my education with my spare time and coming here and I've realized this is more of a priority for me but it seems I'm not getting much out of it. I have met one Aspie that has sent me emails upon emails about their situation and this person always asks me questions and reciprocates my feelings well and I don't mind writing paragraph upon paragraph to them because I know we both express our emotions the same way and they won't be bothered by it.

Anyways, someone told me that it seems I'm just more in touch with my emotions. Ironically, my whole life I had been bottling up my feelings and it was difficult for me to say how I felt as a result, because I didn't trust anyone. Now because of my situation, I've been forced to become more introspective and reflect on my thoughts and my mind and my feelings as a form of cognitive behavioral therapy. I want to understand myself and be honest with myself. I ask myself what's wrong with me. So since I've rarely met people that can reciprocate in our exchanges, it's made me feel worse. When they barely respond, if they do at all, I feel like I'm doing something wrong or that I'm crazy. I think this is why I was subtly treated as a pariah by NTs for years. I never fully saw the other side of coin until now really, since I'm not a great small talker or not the best with conversations irl. I was wondering if anyone had a similiar experience? Are you more aware of your emotions than other Aspies?

I have noticed the same thing and honestly i can understand why. I have seen aspies express themselves and then get hated on or worse. I expressed myself to someone and the next thing i knew i was getting bullied and i even got beat up for it

 

[AidenMaccullagh]

I wear my emotions on my sleeve. The notion that Aspies are Vulcan-like is a myth. I'm more Klingon, and proud of it.

QAPLA

 

[xudo]

Exactly. I don't think this is just a thing for people on the spectrum though as I know NT's who don't know the difference. This is why when the topic arises, I always explain that while I can sympathise, I cannot empathise.

For reference, my EQ score was 6.

 

[Maelstrom]

I am venting about this because I've noticed that out of all the Aspies I've seen or met, most of them have a lot of trouble expressing their feelings and come off as lacking sympathy or empathy (even though I know that's not necessarily the case). I realize alexithymia is common on the spectrum but it's frustrating because whenever I have a conversation with a few Aspies I know, these people tend to give one word responses like "Okay" or "I'm sorry" whenever I pour out my feelings to them and it's so annoying to me because I'm going through so much stuff and I want to have a good conversation. The reason why I came here is because I want to meet people like me, especially around my age, that can relate to the turbulent storms that I am going through in my life, with Aspergers, depression, low self esteem, a mind thats thinking about so many things that make you want to explode. Even now I have to balance my education with my spare time and coming here and I've realized this is more of a priority for me but it seems I'm not getting much out of it. I have met one Aspie that has sent me emails upon emails about their situation and this person always asks me questions and reciprocates my feelings well and I don't mind writing paragraph upon paragraph to them because I know we both express our emotions the same way and they won't be bothered by it.

Anyways, someone told me that it seems I'm just more in touch with my emotions. Ironically, my whole life I had been bottling up my feelings and it was difficult for me to say how I felt as a result, because I didn't trust anyone. Now because of my situation, I've been forced to become more introspective and reflect on my thoughts and my mind and my feelings as a form of cognitive behavioral therapy. I want to understand myself and be honest with myself. I ask myself what's wrong with me. So since I've rarely met people that can reciprocate in our exchanges, it's made me feel worse. When they barely respond, if they do at all, I feel like I'm doing something wrong or that I'm crazy. I think this is why I was subtly treated as a pariah by NTs for years. I never fully saw the other side of coin until now really, since I'm not a great small talker or not the best with conversations irl. I was wondering if anyone had a similiar experience? Are you more aware of your emotions than other Aspies?

Yes us empathic aspies are more rare, it is hard for me as I sort of get to be a NT and a aspie both, neither world fully accepts me.
It is very very frustrating sometimes!
I however am very fond of my warm empathic side it is the best part of me, and I love my aspie savant stuff too!
I suffer in life because of who I am but I like who I am too....it is just one of those wind and rain things I guess?
Sometimes life is nice sometimes it is cruel.
@FreakyZettairyouiki ,I hope you find happiness somehow....best wishes Maelstrom

 

[kay]

I have empathy but I don't react how I am expected to. I have never cried at a funeral even though I cry a lot otherwise (meltdowns, anxiety, skinned knees). My tendency is to be overwhelmed and confused by extreme emotions from others and end up like a deer in headlights. Which is maybe why I don't react quite right. It's just too much and sometimes I may process it all too slow and then it's too late to respond anyways. People sometimes don't know I have empathy just because I express it poorly or at least not in the expected way, but I certainly have it. A few people who are close to me know that.