Aspie son a condescending jerk??

[Buzzerfly]

My mother was abusive to me and always told others I was terrible to hide how horrible she is. That being said, it can be really upsetting to once be close with someone, and then have that change. I can't gather from anything that you wrote any information about your sons experience. Therefore, I'm surprised so many people, particularly those on the spectrum, have responded to you in such a way that validates your story. Not that anyone should do the opposite...
The part about you talking to your son until your voice went out literally makes me shudder. My mother used to do that in a manipulative tone while she held her leg over me so I couldn't leave. I'm not saying you are like my mother, only that other people on here are sensitive, like me, to accusatory descriptions of persons we don't know. For example, just saying your son is disrespectful is your story of him, with NO info about how he is/acts. If you really wanted help/advice on this thread, why wouldn't you say more about what your son does? It seems you just want validation for what you already think.

Autistic people can be really sensitive and don't always know why they act the way they do. Maybe he's just opted to shut down on your family, because he doesn't know why he feels upset at you. But your just telling all of us what a bad person he is. For example, again, I'm asked to think he's a jerk for attending an Ivy League school. Aren't you sending him there?

 

[Diagnosed2015]

For example, again, I'm asked to think he's a jerk for attending an Ivy League school. Aren't you sending him there?

Couldn't have said it better myself!!

 

[Reedstorm17]

Oh my gosh, that makes perfect sense! That analogy with the instruction manual. That's almost exactly how it feels.

 

[dragonwolf]

For example, again, I'm asked to think he's a jerk for attending an Ivy League school.

She's not asking us to think he's a jerk for attending an ivy league school, that's just where he is now. He's a jerk for acting like a jerk to them, which started before he went to college.

 

[Buzzerfly]

She's not asking us to think he's a jerk for attending an ivy league school, that's just where he is now. He's a jerk for acting like a jerk to them, which started before he went to college.

It just seems like she's using his schooling and "success" to further reiterate or suggest or imply that He is just a jerk, she's the real mindful person/ person on the spectrum. But she's throwing her son under the bus, with NO concrete information to back up her accusations. So many times in my being around autistic people, I've seen the autistic person being blamed for the family's issues, while the mother is understood to be coming from the "correct" perspective. Things are not often how they are framed....

I don't like that this woman is framing her son for me. And I hate that this happens so often in our world. I wish I could hear his take.

I've met mothers who really struggled to relate to and understand their autistic children, but they act very differently...and aren't so quick to call them "bad". They blame themselves too much frankly, when in reality, I think it's very hard for different types of creatures to know each other well.

 

[Diagnosed2015]

Oh my gosh, that makes perfect sense! That analogy with the instruction manual. That's almost exactly how it feels.

Must be why I became a writer -- I created oral "manuals" for him with every situation ROFLMAO ... thanks for the comment.

 

[starving_artist]

It just seems like she's using his schooling and "success" to further reiterate or suggest or imply that He is just a jerk, she's the real mindful person/ person on the spectrum. But she's throwing her son under the bus, with NO concrete information to back up her accusations. So many times in my being around autistic people, I've seen the autistic person being blamed for the family's issues, while the mother is understood to be coming from the "correct" perspective. Things are not often how they are framed....

I don't like that this woman is framing her son for me. And I hate that this happens so often in our world. I wish I could hear his take.

I've met mothers who really struggled to relate to and understand their autistic children, but they act very differently...and aren't so quick to call them "bad". They blame themselves too much frankly, when in reality, I think it's very hard for different types of creatures to know each other well.

The mother is on the spectrum too, though. She already explained that. I think you are just projecting your issues with your own mother onto this thread.

 

[Buzzerfly]

The mother is on the spectrum too, though. She already explained that. I think you are just projecting your issues with your own mother onto this thread.

Possibly. I certainly have an issue with my mother having lied about me to others I was not allowed to defend myself to. That happens so often to so many beaten down people on this site, that I intended to share my experience as a means to protect those that felt offended or icky after reading the original post. I suppose your response aims to suggest that nothing I've said on this thread is valid, and should all be dismissed because I am so "issuey".

I still don't think it's right for anyone to frame someone as entirely evil on a thread with zero justification, whether they are autistic, NTs, hippos, etc. in my experience with those on the spectrum, it is uncommon for them to tell you how someone is. Usually they tell you what happened and let you look at the situation. So I felt as if her post was an attack and odd.

 

[starving_artist]

Possibly. I certainly have an issue with my mother having lied about me to others I was not allowed to defend myself to. That happens so often to so many beaten down people on this site, that I intended to share my experience as a means to protect those that felt offended or icky after reading the original post. I suppose your response aims to suggest that nothing I've said on this thread is valid, and should all be dismissed because I am so "issuey".

I still don't think it's right for anyone to frame someone as entirely evil on a thread with zero justification, whether they are autistic, NTs, hippos, etc. in my experience with those on the spectrum, it is uncommon for them to tell you how someone is. Usually they tell you what happened and let you look at the situation. So I felt as if her post was an attack and odd.

I didn't aim to suggest any such thing. Now you are projecting onto me and accusing me of having motivations I don't have. What I was trying to say is that I think your perspective of what's going on here is heavily biased by your own issues with your mom, and getting mad at the OP and accusing her of things she's not doing just for posting on this problem she is having and asking for help isn't fair to her. She is not framing her son as "entirely evil" and neither is anyone else in this thread--you are just seeing it that way and it's inaccurate. Her post is not an attack on her son or on you, so going after her like you are isn't right.

 

[HisShadowX]

My oldest son apparently was a classic Asperger's case, but I never knew! I had never heard of Asperger's when he was growing up, doctors never asked the right questions like they do now and I struggled with him his whole life, trying to talk to him in the way I knew he'd understand and try to explain every situation before and after, and just attending to and accommodating him as best I could without even knowing there was anything different about him.

I guess the fact that I was an undiagnosed Aspie myself helped in me being 'in tune' with how he feels and what he needs.
Anyway, our relationship had been so great until maybe he became 15 or so, when he just started becoming more and more disrespectful to me and his father.

He managed to completely alienate his 20 months younger brother, they barely have a relationship anymore !
Sometimes I would try to talk to him to make him understand how bad his behavior affected all of us, I would talk until my voice went and...nothing! Sometimes I'd just stop talking to him, in hope that he would realize he was wrong and apologize but....nothing!
Punishing him by taking stuff away didn't work either.

I still kept trying with the hope that some day when he's out of the house he would regret the way he treated us and maybe try to be better.

Last fall after he turned 18 we finally found out about his Asperger's, and it was very helpful to finally find out that I didn't totally fail as a mother and the way he acts with us is not my fault, but it also came down like a ton of bricks on me that he will not likely change on his own.

He attends an ivy league school now, has a ton of friends, participates in so many activities and is quite successful in his academic and otherwise life .
He never calls or texts unless he needs something from me or just wants to let me know something , and quite often whether via text or in person when he comes back he is so unbelievably disrespectful and condescending, and I just can't take it anymore!!!
He is not like that with anybody except us, his family! I don't know what to do anymore and I'm at the very end of my rope.

Any advice, please?
I'm currently not talking to him because of a condescending text, his father talked to him last week and told him to apologize, but he hasn't even bothered .
At this point I don't want an apology , and I don't even want to talk to him at all, which makes me feel like a horrible mother.
Please, any advice would be greatly appreciated! !!

How about to apologize for your behavior your making this all about you typical. I bet he has struggled so hard to get away from you guys. First chance he gets he's gone. I've been there done that

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

'I'm not currently talking to him as a result of a condescending text'

Was he condescending or did you just interpret it that way?

You know he's autistic and these things can be difficult.

How does not talking to him come across?

Surely it does not give him confidence in his communication with you?

Then the father gets involved in the traditional way to apply pressure. How well does his father understand autism?
Did he think the text was condescending?
Or did he just comply as you would go on and on till you get your way?
It seems this kind of response may be common on your part.
Time for a rethink as it's not working.
Emotional manipulation mixed with son on spectrum perhaps is confusing and not productive.

See how your first reaction to my post is. Then reconsider.

Then think of your first reaction to the text. Then reconsider.

 

[starving_artist]

I don't understand why so many people are attacking the OP for asking for help dealing with some behavioral issues with her son. There have been a lot of accusations that she doesn't understand her son being on the spectrum, when she is on the spectrum herself. I don't understand this hostile reaction.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

I don't understand why so many people are attacking the OP for asking for help dealing with some behavioral issues with her son. There have been a lot of accusations that she doesn't understand her son being on the spectrum, when she is on the spectrum herself. I don't understand this hostile reaction.

Assessing her own motives,judgment and self may help with an understanding of the way she is communicating with her son.
Everyone in the world makes mistakes. Nothing wrong with Assessing if your communication helps or hinders a fraught situation.
That was my point.

 

[starving_artist]

I wonder if any of the people attacking the OP have autistic children of their own and actually know from experience what it's like to raise an autistic child? We might understand what it's like to be an autistic child, but many of us don't know what it's like to raise one. The OP knows what it's like to be autistic, and to raise an autistic child. I personally don't know anything about raising children, so I wouldn't presume to judge someone else's job of raising theirs so much.

 

[Buzzerfly]

I didn't aim to suggest any such thing. Now you are projecting onto me and accusing me of having motivations I don't have. What I was trying to say is that I think your perspective of what's going on here is heavily biased by your own issues with your mom, and getting mad at the OP and accusing her of things she's not doing just for posting on this problem she is having and asking for help isn't fair to her. She is not framing her son as "entirely evil" and neither is anyone else in this thread--you are just seeing it that way and it's inaccurate. Her post is not an attack on her son or on you, so going after her like you are isn't right.

I didn't aim to suggest any such thing. Now you are projecting onto me and accusing me of having motivations I don't have. What I was trying to say is that I think your perspective of what's going on here is heavily biased by your own issues with your mom, and getting mad at the OP and accusing her of things she's not doing just for posting on this problem she is having and asking for help isn't fair to her. She is not framing her son as "entirely evil" and neither is anyone else in this thread--you are just seeing it that way and it's inaccurate. Her post is not an attack on her son or on you, so going after her like you are isn't right.

I wonder if any of the people attacking the OP have autistic children of their own and actually know from experience what it's like to raise an autistic child? We might understand what it's like to be an autistic child, but many of us don't know what it's like to raise one. The OP knows what it's like to be autistic, and to raise an autistic child. I personally don't know anything about raising children, so I wouldn't presume to judge someone else's job of raising theirs so much.

It was the OPs hostility that I didn't understand. Also, my daughter is on the spectrum, like her dad. And I wouldn't have made such an alarming post if I were asking for help.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

I wonder if any of the people attacking the OP have autistic children of their own and actually know from experience what it's like to raise an autistic child? We might understand what it's like to be an autistic child, but many of us don't know what it's like to raise one. The OP knows what it's like to be autistic, and to raise an autistic child. I personally don't know anything about raising children, so I wouldn't presume to judge someone else's job of raising theirs so much.

Anyone who has posted something 'challenging' to the OP will likely be far less exacting to her than raising a child.

Answering any challenging posts should really be a breeze as well as a chance to reconsider, and possibly learn.

Her emotional responses do not look particularly autistic to me - not returning a text or not speaking because a text she received from someone with autism was 'condescending'

Hey, it can happen. It takes all sorts.

Nothing wrong with looking at ourselves first if there is a problem.

My guess is the OP isn't perfect - just like the rest of us aren't perfect.

Another perspective and viewpoint can be helpful.

 

[Buzzerfly]

It was the OPs hostility that I didn't understand. Also, my daughter is on the spectrum, like her dad. And I wouldn't have made such an alarming post if I were asking for help.

Alarming there meaning accusatory, uninformative and only about myself.

 

[dragonwolf]

It just seems like she's using his schooling and "success" to further reiterate or suggest or imply that He is just a jerk,

... Except she said that he doesn't act towards his peers and people at college the way he acts toward her, and was using it to illustrate that the behavior she's concerned about seems to be unique to his interaction with his parents.

It would seem to me that if she was trying to portray him as "evil," she wouldn't say that he acts differently toward others.

 

[Buzzerfly]

... Except she said that he doesn't act towards his peers and people at college the way he acts toward her, and was using it to illustrate that the behavior she's concerned about seems to be unique to his interaction with his parents.

It would seem to me that if she was trying to portray him as "evil," she wouldn't say that he acts differently toward others.

If he's such a condescending jerk to her, then he isn't likely confiding in her about his superior, more successful interactions with friends. So my question to what you said is: how the heck does she know ANYTHING about how he is around peers? Does she have super spy equipment?

And I know you're harping on the term evil. Maybe it's a strong word. But condescending jerk is incredibly dismissive and harsh to say about ones son.

 

[Buzzerfly]

If he's such a condescending jerk to her, then he isn't likely confiding in her about his superior, more successful interactions with friends. So my question to what you said is: how the heck does she know ANYTHING about how he is around peers? Does she have super spy equipment?

And I know you're harping on the term evil. Maybe it's a strong word. But condescending jerk is incredibly dismissive and harsh to say about ones son.

And the fact that she poses the accusation as a question, doesn't really conceal the fact that she's reached a conclusion already and just wants external validation to support it. In that case, I still don't see how she's asking for help.