You forget I'm an Aspie as well. I know exactly how that feels and it's exhausting to me as well, but I learned at a very early age that saying certain things is disrespectful and can hurt other's feelings. And while I don't want my son to suppress his feelings all the time like I felt I had too (mainly because I couldn't distinguish between what was disrespectful and what wasn't .), I still want him to know where the line is and not cross it all the time.
I could care less if he acts out with me, as long as he can recognize that he hurt my feelings. My main concern is that one day he's going to get married and that his wife would be the next person to get dumped on so to speak. I don't want him to get heartbroken and end up alone.
So, while I agree with most of what you wrote, I don't think that Asperger's should be his crutch for his toxic behavior! As I said in my original post, he already completely alienated his younger brother, who always sought a relationship with his older brother.
He was never diagnosed until he was 18, and I always taught him to be himself! I preached that 'weird' is not a bad thing, it's actually awesome! Most interesting people are weird!
As a matter of fact whenever one of my kids would say "mom, you're weird." My comeback was always "and proud of it!"
So, I never wanted him to conform and that's mostly why he's a human rights activist, a political activist and just basically defends anybody who is in a minority or a difficult situation.
He's an amazing human being with great ideals and morals, and that's why it's so painful to see him act this way to the people who love him the most!!
I really appreciate your input and hope that you can share more of your wisdom and experience with me.
I'm truly just trying to have you understand how I'm thinking, I'm really not getting defensive at all. Your posts are very informative and helpful to me, thank you!
Thank you for your words. I hope you didn't take offense; I'm an Aspie and at least one (probably two) of my kids were, neither of whom got along together (in fact, one was on the receiving end of several physical assaults -- more frustrating to him than harmful) but a family/child psych said he couldn't "help" the "victim" because he wasn't doing anything wrong.
BUT, he was diagnosed with a whole bunch of other issues which, if someone back then had seen them together, would have been sure to figure it out -- especially 30 years later.
BUT, again -- as an Aspie w/a son who is also AS, I would strongly suggest you attend some meetings together. For one thing, you'll (possibly) notice there are those who appear to be affected (or more, or less) than YOU and your son, and it's very possible that others in your group are also dealing with similar issues.
Sometimes, there are people who sit and just "appear" to listen (or not), but we have wonderful conversations on the computer which somehow "proves" to me that they were "present" (in their own way) for the meeting, because we end up talking about them.
As an Aspie yourself, as am I, you'll also find (through people sharing experiences, difficulties, victories) that some might be just like you, some might be entirely different. You might hear horror stories from frazzled parents and, by the end of the meeting, realize that compared to some, your issues might be "less" than you thought -- but you'll have a support system and (in some cases) phone numbers -- to give you someone to contact if you are feeling overwhelmed or don't know what to do.
Sometimes, someone will mention an issue that I never considered (or knew) to be an "Aspie" issue. For example, around the same time of my AS diagnosis, I also was diagnosed with "lifelong" ADHD. When I started on the medication, I was amazed at what I had been missing (this isn't necessarily related to your son).
However, LATELY, I've noticed when I'm trying to watch a movie, it's mentally exhausting to stay "focused" without allowing my mind to wander onto other things. (Again, bear with me, please).
So, someone got me hooked on a western series, which drove my "insatiable lust for knowledge" (not my words) to do some research which drove me to start getting interested in that period of history and everything around it. Sounds good, right?
Well, I'm trying desperately to keep up with all the ins and outs of this show, and it suddenly occurs to me (while still concentrating) that in this series, as well as others, the cliche' is "Good guys wear white(ish) and bad guys wear black," right?
Ok, so in the middle of this 36-episode marathon, I start wondering, "Where would these people buy their clothes?" Do they know they are going to be "Good" or "Bad" when they wake up in the morning? Do they "pick their wardrobe" for the day? Would there be one store for both "Good" and "Bad" or would there be separate stores.
I can't tell you how long this thought process kept up (probably through 30 of the 36 shows) ... no matter how hard I tried to keep track of everything -- and I think I might have gotten about 1/2 of what I should have ...... I didn't know it was an ASPIE (and not ADHD) issue.
It took someone at the meeting to inform me of that (with appropriate backup). Another friend gave me the best advice for an issue I was having because I have two separate banks in two separate states, and I wasn't able to access one of them.
It took an Aspie friend at the meeting to offer a suggestion that was a PERFECT solution -- one in which 1) I wouldn't have thought of AT ALL and 2) never would have expected the suggestion from the particular person.
However, those same people who helped me IMMENSELY, also have (as I do) "another side" to them. Sometimes we sit around and compare similarities and differences, but we all talk about "being us" as something we have to do using emotional/intellectual/ and even physical energy to accomplish, and we often can't keep it up very long, so we limit ourselves to avoid others seeing our "other" sides.
I'm just trying to offer some help -- my issues with an undiagnosed youngster left me with PTSD (there are other issues, as well) ... but I never considered it to be that until I spoke with other Aspies w/kids ..... and I never shared the diagnosis (mine or "his") ... with him at all.
I truly believe we, as parents, need support groups. If you are in the United States and go to meetups.com (it's not a dating site) you can enter your zip code and it will bring up (often dozens) of "groups" of all types in your areas.
Many have some sort of Aspie support if you don't have access to an Asperger Society and, if you can't find one that fits your purpose, you have the option of starting one.
When I was diagnosed, I started a Meetup. We had over 15 members AND two meetings within the first month. We had an "active" core of 4, in case people wanted assurances we were "real" and we made ourselves available to anyone who was reluctant or wanted someone to help them into the meetings.
As Aspies, we survive on our wits/intelligence and "learned" social cues, which aren't always the same as everyone else's (as you no doubt understand). I occasionally end up asking the group for suggestions because I am "perceiving" something differently than others, or I can't understand the "mindset" of a decision.
As a compulsive over thinker (OCD) with an Aspie fixation about my own (and others') thought processes, all I can do is sigh in frustration if someone isn't making sense to me, until someone else (often my therapist) offers a solution or suggestion that I can attach to the thought as "closure" (another topic that gets a lot of input).
Good luck. Feel free to PM if you'd like to. I'm not trying to be intrusive, I've just had 30 years of advocating for my kids.
