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Aspie Boyfriend

Vivien

Active Member
I've been dating my beau for close to 5 months. We're crazy for each other. I'm not an aspie, I'm just a girl. Granted I DO have my own issues, I need your help and tips on understanding my aspie gamer boyfriend. Also, I notice that there's a lot of different types of aspies, I wanna know what kind of aspie he is so that I could better understand him.
 
There are different types. Do you want to share a little more detail so that we have a starting place from which to help you understand?
 
Everyone is different though, so everybody is unique. But, there are common things that we all share. It is impossible to just list stuff and have it apply automatically to someone a certain way :)
 
Everyone is different though, so everybody is unique. But, there are common things that we all share. It is impossible to just list stuff and have it apply automatically to someone a certain way :)
well, I donno the types so I donno. but here are some symptoms. he doesn't talk much to people (he used to be introverted to me but now he talks a lot to me now that's a change). he can't detect others feelings sometimes, like "read between the lines". he says "I love you" a lot. I can't push him too far or else be blows up. we rarely go out because he has social anxiety with others. but he talks to me when something's up and he's really patient with me even though my emotions go up and down. he's a hard-core gamer so gaming is his life, he's been gaming since he was just a few years old.
 
well, I donno the types so I donno. but here are some symptoms. he doesn't talk much to people (he used to be introverted to me but now he talks a lot to me now that's a change). he can't detect others feelings sometimes, like "read between the lines". he says "I love you" a lot. I can't push him too far or else be blows up. we rarely go out because he has social anxiety with others. but he talks to me when something's up and he's really patient with me even though my emotions go up and down. he's a hard-core gamer so gaming is his life, he's been gaming since he was just a few years old.
It...sounds like you have a pretty good grasp already, actually. You seem to be in a state of mutual empathy. When you say "push him too far," what do you mean by that (if you want to share)?
 
well, I donno the types so I donno. but here are some symptoms. he doesn't talk much to people (he used to be introverted to me but now he talks a lot to me now that's a change). he can't detect others feelings sometimes, like "read between the lines". he says "I love you" a lot. I can't push him too far or else be blows up. we rarely go out because he has social anxiety with others. but he talks to me when something's up and he's really patient with me even though my emotions go up and down. he's a hard-core gamer so gaming is his life, he's been gaming since he was just a few years old.
The thing to remember is that with autism, it's "a case-by-case" condition in many ways, so I'm not sure if the word "type" is the best one to use here. Your boyfriend is your boyfriend. Apparently, he has social anxiety, but he trusts you enough to be able to talk to you a lot. That's good. If I were you, I would continue to encourage and support him as he tries to reach out to others.

Do you play video games with him? Showing appreciation for his hobby might also help.
 
I've been dating my beau for close to 5 months. We're crazy for each other. I'm not an aspie, I'm just a girl. Granted I DO have my own issues, I need your help and tips on understanding my aspie gamer boyfriend. Also, I notice that there's a lot of different types of aspies, I wanna know what kind of aspie he is so that I could better understand him.
OK, first throw an apple in the blender. Now go outside and look for birds because cement does not bounce. When you are done, keep pulling the rope until orange is south of jumping rope. This is the best that I can do. Hope it helps.
 
Also, I notice that there's a lot of different types of aspies, I wanna know what kind of aspie he is so that I could better understand him.

You need to try to understand a fundamental tenet of Autism Spectrum Disorder. That it is assessed on a spectrum. Meaning one can be mildly autistic or extremely autistic, and everything deemed in between. And along this spectrum there are all kinds of traits and behaviors that may or may not be common to everyone across the same spectrum.

To complicate it further, you have to understand that traits and behaviors we may have can all be at various intensities, or as I call it, amplitude. So you see, yes there are different "types" of Aspies. However we don't carry specific labels to be pigeonholed accordingly.

To learn more about him, it is you who must understand possible traits and behaviors, and then find those that he clearly possesses. Some may be obvious while others may be elusive. It's not an easy process even when one is exploring their own traits and behaviors.
 
For me, learning how to detach, having reasonable expectations, and not taking personal some of the more elusive behavior of the Aspies in my life has helped me.

Although I don't have the same type of relationship with them as you do with your boyfriend, one of them in particular has "blown up" on me. I was calling him to task regarding a promise he reneged on. He obviously had a problem with accepting responsibility for the consequences of his not following through with his end of the the agreement.

Also, his reasons for not having been able to fulfill his end of the agreement and, especially, his reasons for not having communicated with me about his inability to complete the task did not seem feasible. However, the "missing in action" and "incommunicado" behavior on his part were the most disconcerting aspects of the predicament.

I tried in vain in explain to him how his behavior caused an extreme disruption in my life. He responded by sending me highly insulting emails including reading me the "riot act", informing me that I was being "put on notice" regarding the future of our liaison. In other words, from there on in, I was not allowed to ever express to him my frustration and disappointment over his behavior.

His exceptionally angry defensiveness about not having had kept me posted is what alerted me to how much his autism probably affects his ability to function productively. He is sometimes unable to see things through to fruition. He must be very embarrassed and shameful over this and he covered it up by taking the offensive position with me.

Rather than tell me that he couldn't follow-through, he had gone into hiding and kept me at bay. As I had no way of knowing how much he had, or, had not, already accomplished, I hesitated to find alternative means of getting the time-sensitive task done. Needless to say, the result was chaos which I had to carry the stressful burden for.

To me, if both people are not allowed to express their fears and doubts about their rapport with each other, even in a very casual, and/or business relationship, then it is not a relationship, but, rather, a hostage-taking situation in which one person can gain and keep the upper hand. We are not talking "perfectionism" here, but, we are talking about being honest and communicating well enough to let the other person know what is going on.

"Blowing up" can be part of a control strategy to keep the other party from doing, or, saying anything that interferes with the controller's agenda. Unfortunately, even if hostage-taking is not what the defensive party might have intended, this is still how this restrictive dynamic will ultimately play out. Habitually "walking on eggshells' becomes the only style of communicating with such a defensive person

The bottom line is that after this occurrence, I really understood that this particular Aspie was not capable of a two-way, egalitarian rapport, and so I refrain from expressing any negative opinions about his behavior. I also no longer consider him someone I can be friends with. I rely only on those people who can have an honest, give-and-take emotional exchange with me to be my friends.
 
When arguing with an aspie or autistic, everything revolves around trust and logic. I would venture to guess that sometimes when there are too many emotional reasons he probably has some trouble understanding and gets frustrated, which is probably the cause of his little tantrums. He probably also feels somewhat ashamed at having trouble with such a typically easy task that those around him don't seem to have an issue with. I would try to very calmly converse your point using only logic. It may not work every time, but I think it may make him much more receptive to your viewpoint and less defensive or confrontational.

Flavourings and additives like MSG and aspertame will exacerbate these conditions, sometimes to the point where the individual refuses to communicate or even bangs their head against the wall. Combativity, reclusiveness, etc will be more likely if one of those was recently consumed.

It seems you have already developed excellent trust which is good. His anger is more likely a complex mix of feelings that he is not sure how to properly display or process. It is not uncommon for there to be some mismatched emotional output when dealing with an aspie. Just try to be reasonably patient and remember he doesn't want his brain to be chemically imbalanced anymore than you want it to be. I would guess he says "I love you" a lot because he cares about you and isn't sure how else to express it- and it has likely been an issue in the past so he's trying to make sure your not unhappy in his own weird way. Hope that helped some and good luck. :]
 
I agree that trust and logic are key factors during a conflict with an Aspie. I've noticed this. Emotions and assigning blame are often best put on hold while trying to resolve an issue because they can cause more confusion. As I've said previously, though, I'm not personally closely involved with an Aspie, but, I would imagine these would be good pointers for people who are. ;)
 

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