ASD, OCD and Dysphoira... a MtFs guide of living hell and awesomeness!

[SailorMars1994]

Ok, so i made a comment here a couple days ago or so then deleted it. Now I am going to try and re-comment what i had said. Here we go

So, for avery long time i have been dealing with gender dysphoria. I find that i am happiest being female. However, I have had doubters try and talk me out of living my life. One issue with my OCD is i obsess about the negative so it got me thinking i wasnt a female. So, this obsessions became a compulsion and I tried being male... results ended with me not only being miserable, but irritable. I would do things I hadnt done ever or atleast have no memory of doing. I would be so riddled with anxiety and panic I would rip my hair out, bite myself, hit myself, ect. I saw a Dr and he told me this sounds like a ''meltdown'' that some people on the Autism Spectrum have. I was kinda shocked when i discovered this, but yes I can see it. But this going back and forth lasted months. I have been living as myself since atleast early this year and have felt much better. Infact since April I have never felt better to be honest and life is not just livable, but enjoyable. You see, the whole meltdown thing probably happened due to a dramatic change, and for me it was awful. I am bad with change, I noticed that even a slight change in what I am used to can bring very anxious feelings and make me a bit scared.

I have noticed to I have a few intrestes like poltics, history and such. I find I am totally hooked on these things. Idk about obsessed but I love them so much! but my intrests seem somewhat limited. I also apprently am fixated on two breeds of dogs (Long haired Alaskan Malamute and the Lassie-type dogs)

I guess, is it normal to have a 'meltdown'' to that degree on a near daily basis. I should mention that I am on medication for those meltdown and it is given to people with ASD to help them. I am also on a higher doesage of estrogen which I find helps me a lot in calming my emotions. I find that i am doing better these days as a whole and have my goals and dreams back. So not all of life is sucking anymore but, nevertheless, it has been on heck of a ride.

Love

 

[Tyrantus1212]

What is this thread supposed to be about?

 

[The Penguin]

What is this thread supposed to be about?

Different events of @SailorMars1994 life but I see the text that was written here is now removed.

 

[StephF]

Shame

 

[SailorMars1994]

Well i did orignally write a large near bio about my life but i got no responses. So i felt very awkward about it and felt maybe people would judge me so i tried to delete it. I would maybe re-explain myself but i am kinda shy about it. It really is a hard thing

 

[tree]

If you'd tell me like I was 5,
I think you'd have no trouble.
That's my guess.

 

[Datura]

The title of this thread could describe my life. You are not as alone as you might think.
If you don't feel like disclosing information publicly then feel free to PM me.

 

[SailorMars1994]

Ok, I re-edited it for your viewing plessure!

 

[Tyrantus1212]

Thanks for sharing. I respond as much as I can to new threads but it looked like I didn't come across this one earlier on, sorry...

I have severe OCD and it drives me crazy, not to mention others around me. I cannot stand change, especially last minute change (unless it's a good change). Otherwise I go into complete panic mode. I believe I too experience meltdowns...those moments where I just feel like I snapped. I might get extremely angry and start hitting objects around me. Once the anger subsides I get straight into the "oh Dear God what have I done" kind of phase, and that phase involves constantly apologizing to people around me (almost always my mom and dad, I live with them in their home) and then completely lose my mind if they're not ready to forgive me yet. I'm just so tired of pushing people away, I'm tired of being controlled by my emotions, sometimes I even feel like I belong in a mental institution (but I don't, of course - I know that in my heart of hearts).

These parents love me very much and it's absolutely wonderful to have at least a few people who actually care about me. I've made a few friends recently but I go into full-blown panic if I ever see that they haven't texted me or asked me to do something on a weekend. I try to hide this panic from them as much as possible. I don't just have OCD, I have general anxiety and abandonment issues because I used to be lonely for a long time, and my only friends were Mom and Dad. I don't really fit in anywhere and that's one of the main reasons why I didn't have any friends for a long time. During my childhood and teenage years I actually chose to be a lone wolf for the most part, but later on I grew very tired of this solitude and wanted to make friends with everyone! I tried way too hard, failed, and became more alone than ever.

Living with severe anxiety, regrets, self-loathing and the occasional "snaps" I'm not even sure, I might be on the brink of depression. I take some valerian to calm the soul after the meltdowns but I'm left with so many regrets of hurting the feelings of people I love without ever meaning to. I should have started seeing a professional years ago instead of hoping that my issues will go away eventually, hoping that it's nothing but a phase, etc - that's one of my biggest regrets. Hope may have been a counter to the evils in Pandora's Box but I can see it being an evil in itself in my situation. Now that I'm seeing a specialist I'm able to finally use hope the right way, and not in the form of denial. I'm very prone to denial because I'm also quite the perfectionist, I just refuse to let things NOT go my way, despite knowing that it's not always under my control. This psychologist highly suspects I have Asperger's, but I kind of thought beforehand that I've had it all alone after reading about it online. I've always known I was different and did a bit of detective work over the years as to why that might be.

I have extremely bad social skills, I drive my parents and coworkers crazy quite a lot and I've also never ever dated in my entire life. I'm almost 30 years old. I know nothing about women and relationships but I'm reading up on it, my father wants me to start dating and I really can't afford to behave the way I do when the time finally comes.

In any case my doc and I are gradually working together on my self-improvement. We started with my anxieties and he recommended a little method to manage it; see Managing Anxieties - the FLOAT Method
We're also working on social etiquette, including fewer nervous facial grimaces and making sure I don't button up the top of my dress shirts unless I also wear a tie. Little by little, baby steps.

Sorry about the long rant; what's better than AC to just pour my heart and soul out? This is such a great community to gain insight about Asperger's from and I should have joined years ago. No one is alone in this, and I used to think of myself as the only person in my own category for years before even finding out about Asperger's.