anxiety versus know-how

[Uhura]

Both those on the spectrum and those not on it seem to think that a lot if we join conversations and other differences between those on and off the spectrum are from anxiety and fear but is that always true?

I disagree with that. I think a lot of it is not knowing how to join or intermingle (something I never want to do but maybe some of you do).

I've been told that AS is all fear by someone off the spectrum and couldn't convince him that a lot of it is not knowing how to do things, not all of it is fear of doing it.

Opinions?

 

[epath13]

I think fear or anxiety may intertwine with not knowing. If you end up in a similar situation over and over while still being unaware how to deal with it, you may feel anxious every time you face it. The cause of your anxiety will be not knowing how to face it, not not knowing whether your worst expectations come true. In any case, a person may have both issues: fear of possible negative outcome and lack of understanding how deal with the situation.

Maybe next time when you speak with somebody who tells you, that you're simply afraid to do something, you could review the situation, pinpoint the challenging aspects of it and ask the person how should you behave under given circumstances.
Maybe then the person will see that you actually don't know what to do and understand your position better.

 

[Spiller]

I've been told that AS is all fear by someone off the spectrum and couldn't convince him that a lot of it is not knowing how to do things, not all of it is fear of doing it.

I've had similar conversations with people, especially in the last two years, as I've been wading through the quagmire that is the UK's Mental Health system (or lack of) in search of an official AS diagnosis. I repeatedly find that, unless that person has experienced for themselves any of the difficulties associated with AS, such as understanding a social situation, they really don't comprehend it and tend to play down the importance of that concern, if not be outright dismissive of it's existence.. if they haven't experienced it, it doesn't exist.
That's not to say everyone does that, though I do find that anyone who has lived with disability, mental health and Autism themselves, including their family and friends, having experienced the issue of being 'different', first or second hand, of living on the fringe of society and seeing others' lack of acceptance themselves, does.. they might not understand my specific difficulty, any more than I may understand theirs, but they accept that I struggle with that issue and may offer advice.
I'm not aware of flirting, for example, I see behavior, but don't comprehend subtle meaning, yet many people don't understand why that could equate with an inability to form relationships, even though it's painfully apparent to me - I've had numerous conversations that end abruptly in a subject change rather than any acknowledgement of my difficulty.
It seems to me that these people can't perceive anything outside the parameters within which the majority interact and so can't see me either..

 

[Suzanne]

The fear of the unknown, causes deep anxiety in me. The fear that it is, once again, going to go all wrong, scares the living daylights out of me.

Fear itself causes anxiety.

Recently, I heard a talk, which left an impression with me. Rather than thinking of the fear; think about the task. I have to walk to the chemist. Not, oh heck, the chemist is far enough that I have time to trip up; people in cars can look at me easily and so, I swallow the knot of rising panic and think. Tomorrow I shall take the courage. But I do not that when I say: have to go to the chemist, I have more courage.

My test is to do this the the dr, because waiting in a small room, with silence echoing, halts me from going.

 

[Vinca]

I think that it is understandable that a person would experience fear or anxiety if they are repeatedly entering into a situation for which they have a poor skill set, of which there is likely to be little to no development/improvement and where there is the potential of negative consequences if one performs poorly, there is a strong desire to achieve a specific outcome eg to connect with another human being, make a friend, find a partner, buy groceries etc or there is a need for there to be a positive outcome eg interacting with a person in a position of authority.

So I think that fear and anxiety are likely to come about as a result of not knowing how to do something that a person has to frequently engage in, rather than being the cause of the problem.

 

[AsheSkyler]

I won't say I'm afraid of doing new things, but it does make me frustrated. Unless I have somebody walk me through it the first time, I'm guaranteed to botch my first go. One of the reasons I've never personally changed the oil in my car, I've never seen where the little plug is and I don't trust my knowledge of it to ever attempt it on my own. Also a major factor why I prefer to learn things hands-on.

And yeah, like Vinca said. Anxiety is the result, not the obstacle.