Am I being annoying?

[LittleLemon]

My mom had a very odd passing from cancer 4 years ago. I say odd because well, it was very odd and way more traumatic than it needed to be. Her old neighbor was a family friend and my mom put a lot of stress on her because no one knew she had cancer except for her. Finally I was told and I made my way there (I lived in another state). The neighbor let me stay at her house while my mom was in hospice. She always seemed very friendly and very welcoming and gave the best hugs.

Anyway, after my mom passed, I would periodically drop in if I was in the neighborhood visiting. She seemed really excited everytime I came. She even suggested she could come over for Memorial Day when we moved back to the state and got a house. She said she'd call. I was excited for her to visit and cleared the calendar. As the date got closer, I never got a call. I texted her and no answer. I just shrugged it off as she was busy. Well, I called her number a year or so ago, she said she was at work. She sounded overly excited to hear from me again. She said she'll call me later that day. Nothing. I sent her daughter a FB message asking if she was in town because it'd be nice to hang out. The daughter was always a friend of mine. No reply. A few weeks ago, I texted the neighbor again if she wanted to get together for a beer, and no reply. I gave up after that. They obviously don't want anything to do with me and I'm so puzzled.

Why would someone act so excited and give such warm hugs if they didn't mean it? Was my mom's passing so awful for them that they want nothing to do with me? I don't get it.

 

[biblophile]

some people like to insert them selves into other peoples life dramas as a way to gain attention or have control over another person. Once the drama is over then that person losses interest. Not to say she was not sincere in her kindness toward you but that her motives were selfish

 

[LittleLemon]

some people like to insert them selves into other peoples life dramas as a way to gain attention or have control over another person. Once the drama is over then that person losses interest. Not to say she was not sincere in her kindness toward you but that her motives were selfish

That's an interesting perspective I've never thought of before. It would make sense to me if she had inserted herself, but my mom pulled her in. I can maybe see that the drama being over, they just don't care anymore. Or they're resentful. I don't know.

 

[WittyAspie]

I wonder if you remind the neighbor of your mom? She wants to connect with you, but never follows through because of her own mental struggles. Grief can be a weird thing.

Her kindness on the phone may be her way of being polite. She may also just be overly busy. A lot of people are.

I would suggest leaving yourself open to her company but no longer pursuing it. Sometimes people drift out of our lives and that is just how it is.

 

[LittleLemon]

I wonder if you remind the neighbor of your mom? She wants to connect with you, but never follows through because of her own mental struggles. Grief can be a weird thing.

Her kindness on the phone may be her way of being polite. She may also just be overly busy. A lot of people are.

I would suggest leaving yourself open to her company but no longer pursuing it. Sometimes people drift out of our lives and that is just how it is.

I don't want to admit it, but this sounds probable The daughter is still friends with me on Facebook and she'll 'like' a few things now and then, so she must not hate me. My mom frequently called the neighbor a 'big phony', so maybe she is just being polite. If they want to talk, they know where I am It's still sad to let them go.

 

[OkRad]

No. you were being perfectly kind and respectful. SHE, on the other hand, VERY annoying and NT.

 

[Judge]

The world is full of insincerity on so many levels, for so many reasons. That some honestly feel they can justify insincerity having merely been polite in the process.

All you can really do is to surmise that no, you didn't do anything wrong.

 

[Tribble]

Why not message the daughter on FB and ask if things are all right with her mother?

 

[LittleLemon]

Why not message the daughter on FB and ask if things are all right with her mother?

Hi! Thanks for the reply! I've been debating doing this very thing. My last message asking how she was 3 years ago went unanswered, so I guess I'm afraid of rejection again--having her see the message and then choosing to ignore it. I've had people say, 'you just didn't get the hint!' to me before, so I guess I'm just fearful if that makes sense. I don't want to be potentially annoying to the point she says something hurtful. Then again, what do I have to lose.

 

[Tribble]

Go for it. If you get no reply then you have your answer.

 

[Full Steam]

I have no advice, as this is an area of weakness form me.

I would never act in such an unauthentic way, so when people do I'm confused and assume the worst.

The advice above seems very good to me, and I just follow the advice of those who understand such mechanations.

I'd try not to get deeply invested in the contact though, as I remember the lack of reply for years afterwards and then it pops up during mood downturns.

 

[Katherine Rawstron]

She probably did mean those hugs at the time - they were hugs of sympathy for you during your bereavement. Now they assume you're over that and no longer need the sympathy. It may be that they're not huggy people normally, and only do it with relatives and, as in your case, in situations of distress. They don't realise that you see it as permanent thing. Keep in touch, but just stick to distance correspondence as that seems to be all they expect now. If you happen to be in their area, you could suggest you call round, but don't expect more than politeness; play things on their terms as far as you can, and don't overstay your welcome.

 

[Allicat]

You said something in one of your posts that struck me LL: "My mom frequently called the neighbor a 'big phony'". I suspect that's the issue right there. She probably gets a big endorphin rush making all those plans, but isn't able to see them through. I agree with Judge, that she is just one of those insincere people (and I am pretty sure you are not the only one she has made promises to that she hasn't kept - your mom's words pretty much guarantee that).

 

[Jerry]

You said something in one of your posts that struck me LL: "My mom frequently called the neighbor a 'big phony'". I suspect that's the issue right there. She probably gets a big endorphin rush making all those plans, but isn't able to see them through. I agree with Judge, that she is just one of those insincere people (and I am pretty sure you are not the only one she has made promises to that she hasn't kept - your mom's words pretty much guarantee that).

Ever put too much S#$^ on your plate at a buffet? I suspect she may agree to more than she can do. G'luck.

 

[LittleLemon]

You said something in one of your posts that struck me LL: "My mom frequently called the neighbor a 'big phony'". I suspect that's the issue right there. She probably gets a big endorphin rush making all those plans, but isn't able to see them through. I agree with Judge, that she is just one of those insincere people (and I am pretty sure you are not the only one she has made promises to that she hasn't kept - your mom's words pretty much guarantee that).

I never really believed my mom when she said that because I've always been pretty naive. I see that now. It makes me feel a bit better to think she also does this to other people. Thanks

 

[LinBot]

Because people value "saving face" more than the truth in social situations...no one will ever be honest and say "I'm not interested," or "I don't have the time...sorry", which makes it confusing for people like you and me...

I've gone through that situation many times before figuring out that people don't value genuine honesty in every situation...unfortunately.

My mom had a very odd passing from cancer 4 years ago. I say odd because well, it was very odd and way more traumatic than it needed to be. Her old neighbor was a family friend and my mom put a lot of stress on her because no one knew she had cancer except for her. Finally I was told and I made my way there (I lived in another state). The neighbor let me stay at her house while my mom was in hospice. She always seemed very friendly and very welcoming and gave the best hugs.

Anyway, after my mom passed, I would periodically drop in if I was in the neighborhood visiting. She seemed really excited everytime I came. She even suggested she could come over for Memorial Day when we moved back to the state and got a house. She said she'd call. I was excited for her to visit and cleared the calendar. As the date got closer, I never got a call. I texted her and no answer. I just shrugged it off as she was busy. Well, I called her number a year or so ago, she said she was at work. She sounded overly excited to hear from me again. She said she'll call me later that day. Nothing. I sent her daughter a FB message asking if she was in town because it'd be nice to hang out. The daughter was always a friend of mine. No reply. A few weeks ago, I texted the neighbor again if she wanted to get together for a beer, and no reply. I gave up after that. They obviously don't want anything to do with me and I'm so puzzled.

Why would someone act so excited and give such warm hugs if they didn't mean it? Was my mom's passing so awful for them that they want nothing to do with me? I don't get it.

 

[Diagnosed2015]

It could be any number of reasons, but it's not really worth being concerned about.

Any person with a shred of sympathy or compassion would have invited you to stay while your Mom was in hospice, especially if you found out about the cancer through her.

Your Mother's "secret" may have created a great deal of emotional distress for your neighbor, and she was probably relieved you were now "there" for Mom. It's very possible the entire ordeal caused some PTSD with the neighbor, or the grief process alone is difficult or exhausting.

Many people (including myself) get "burned out" in the caretaker/hospice like role and might even sever relations with the victim just short of their passing. I think you might be assuming her devotion to your Mother created an indirect connection to you, as a closer friend (to you) than she intended.

You were probably seen as a "savior" from her emotional and physical responsibilities, and she could have wanted to remove the burden from her own shoulders (which is not meant as an insult, it's just a process in handling grief or stress). By your constant attempts to reconnect, you are opening what might be deep wounds (or, at least, trauma) she experienced during that time.

Send her a post (privately) thanking her for being there for your Mother and then you, during your period of loss -- and that you've moved on. No one wants to be someone's "only" friend, because it puts too much strain and responsibility on that person.

You no doubt have other friends. She was an angel in your life when you needed one; now it's your time to be someone else's angel. I'm referencing the book and website (which are not religious) wearehumanangels.com

Best wishes -- losses are difficult and often jar our very existence. Remember your Mom, and her friend's part in her life, but you have to focus on yourself now.

 

[Full Steam]

Because people value "saving face" more than the truth in social situations...no one will ever be honest and say "I'm not interested," or "I don't have the time...sorry", which makes it confusing for people like you and me...

I've gone through that situation many times before figuring out that people don't value genuine honesty in every situation...unfortunately.

Me too, but if they were honest I think that would be worse.

I know I'd replay the episode over and over analysing and reanalysing often for years. I have perfect recall of memories like that, and I think they can cause damage.

I'd rather they just drift away, and I don't want fake people in my life either.

 

[hudz]

My honest advice is forget about it and move on. It was just a false alarm of anxiety. Don't message the daughter. Things will be incrementally worst. Follow your instinct and if not sure, ask yourself again, loudly. You know the answer. Follow your heart, you will walk alone one day or another, better starts now! It's all about you, but don't be selfish. You'll understand.

 

[LittleLemon]

It could be any number of reasons, but it's not really worth being concerned about.

Any person with a shred of sympathy or compassion would have invited you to stay while your Mom was in hospice, especially if you found out about the cancer through her.

Your Mother's "secret" may have created a great deal of emotional distress for your neighbor, and she was probably relieved you were now "there" for Mom. It's very possible the entire ordeal caused some PTSD with the neighbor, or the grief process alone is difficult or exhausting.

Many people (including myself) get "burned out" in the caretaker/hospice like role and might even sever relations with the victim just short of their passing. I think you might be assuming her devotion to your Mother created an indirect connection to you, as a closer friend (to you) than she intended.

You were probably seen as a "savior" from her emotional and physical responsibilities, and she could have wanted to remove the burden from her own shoulders (which is not meant as an insult, it's just a process in handling grief or stress). By your constant attempts to reconnect, you are opening what might be deep wounds (or, at least, trauma) she experienced during that time.

Send her a post (privately) thanking her for being there for your Mother and then you, during your period of loss -- and that you've moved on. No one wants to be someone's "only" friend, because it puts too much strain and responsibility on that person.

You no doubt have other friends. She was an angel in your life when you needed one; now it's your time to be someone else's angel. I'm referencing the book and website (which are not religious) wearehumanangels.com

Best wishes -- losses are difficult and often jar our very existence. Remember your Mom, and her friend's part in her life, but you have to focus on yourself now.

I had to have time to reply to this because it was hard to swallow. You are probably right. I hate that the friendship before my mother's cancer is wiped out from that traumatic event. She was like a second mother to me who was always a warm presence in my high school and college days. She continued to be a warm and constant presence when I had kids and then my mom put all that responsibility on her, and it's gone. I can understand it though. I don't want to talk about my mom if I ever got together with her, but it would probably be inevitable so it's probably best avoided.

Thanks for all the advice, everyone If they're ready to, they can contact me one day. If not, oh well.