Aging w/out a life partner

[mw2530]

Hey everyone,

I recently turned 29 years old and it seems now that every birthday I have ends up making me more depressed and anxious. Maybe I'm mourning all the things in life I've missed out on. I feel like I've had to deal with all the crumby parts of life and then some like having to go to school and working, but I've never gotten to enjoy the good parts of life like having a good social life, having a girlfriend, finding love, sex, etc... I actually did like many parts of school and sometimes like my job, but the reason I worked hard is so that I can have a life outside of work but that is missing. Anyway, I've never had a serious girlfriend, never have even come close to having sex, only experienced a kiss like 2 or 3 times, even though I want to experience all of these things desperately. I feel so lonely and feel like my life has been mostly joyless. A fraud. I've faked being happy my whole life it seems. I feel hopeless because most people my age either are married or have a serious girlfriend/boyfriend. And I've not had one my whole life! It's not like I'm unattractive physically. I've been told on several occasions (usually not directly) that I am very handsome. I'm in good shape physically because I like to run. I feel like I'm going to be perpetually behind my whole life. All I can see is problems on top of problems to deal with in the future. Eventually, in the distant future, I'll have to deal with physical problems of being old. In addition with dealing with aspergers for life in its entirety. And imagining myself dealing with all of this without anyone.

I'm guessing many of you on here have had similar thoughts and feelings at one point or another. I'm probably preaching to the choir, but sometimes it helps to get rid of all my negative thoughts by writing them out.

 

[FreeDiver]

Buddy! You're ain't preaching to no choir here. I am in the same boat as you are and I am 45 years old. the biggest problem with having Asperger's is that you can't emotionally connect to anybody, you can emphasize, but you can't connect. And when you can't connect, trusting someone can prove to be very difficult.

 

[xudo]

And imagining myself dealing with all of this without anyone.

Have you thought about using the internet to find a relationship? Obviously there are many ways to go about this, like apps and the like, but I have no idea if there's any sort of website geared towards people on the spectrum finding relationships.

the biggest problem with having Asperger's is that you can't emotionally connect to anybody

I would disagree slightly. Yes, it's hard, but not impossible. I'm married to a man who is also on the spectrum and I think maybe this (and the massive amount of shared interests) have helped a great deal. He doesn't bat an eyelid if I'm having trouble with the social side or whatever, because he understands. I'd never had a boyfriend before I met him (whereas he has had girlfriends before) and we met originally on MySpace (showing my age haha). He was looking for new friends in our city who shared interests, we got chatting, eventually moved to MSN, then texting and then we met up. Took him forever to ask me out though because he was nervous

 

[The Penguin]

Trying to find someone to be in a relationship can be harder for some people. I know for myself, I have a high rejection rate. This is not a problem for most of the males in my family.

Should you get a chance to find someone you like one day, focus on friendship first. Let several months past and then decide if that person is worth to be in relationship. If you reach that state, take things slow. I do know when I was younger I was in a rush being into a relationship. Being 34 now, I been single for 4 to 5 years.

Anyhow, part of searching for a relationship is accepting rejections. You might face a lot of rejection until you find the right person.

 

[mw2530]

Have you thought about using the internet to find a relationship? Obviously there are many ways to go about this, like apps and the like, but I have no idea if there's any sort of website geared towards people on the spectrum finding relationships.

I have tried match and eharmony. I almost never get responses from messages I send. Eventually I just gave up for the most part. I've had a few girls send me messages, but I was never interested in any of them. Also tried Tinder, but there is no one serious on there. Anyone that messaged back turned out to be pretty flaky. Plus you have to deal with tons of fake profiles.

 

[Bellatrix]

Hey everyone,

I recently turned 29 years old and it seems now that every birthday I have ends up making me more depressed and anxious. Maybe I'm mourning all the things in life I've missed out on. I feel like I've had to deal with all the crumby parts of life and then some like having to go to school and working, but I've never gotten to enjoy the good parts of life like having a good social life, having a girlfriend, finding love, sex, etc...

Hang on, you're 29. Your life is far from being over, and yet when I read this it sounds like it had been composed by an 80-year old.

This is depressing. Why are any of us allowing something like Asperger's Syndrome/autism to dictate the course of our lives, and allow it to ruin it? Something needs to be done about this malady, because if the above is truly typical of those who are not neurotypical, then autism needs to be (like ISIS) completely eradicated from the face of this Earth. 29 and never had sex or a girlfriend. That is just SO wrong. What a waste of a life.

If it makes you feel any better, I am 48 and have never had a girlfriend, and yes, I really DO despise that fact. It makes me feel like an utter failure, and maybe I am. It is not something that I would admit to someone who didn't already know me well, because if (for example) I confided this secret to a complete stranger, the person in question would (rightfully, in my view) probably think there was something seriously wrong with me. I can admit this failing of mine here at "AspiesCentral" because I can hide behind a fake name, and no one knows what I look like.

I don't know if this will be of any use to you, but being open to change and new strategies, not taking rejection personally, persisting in the face of all that comes your way, and challenging the boundaries of your comfort-zone will dramatically increase your chances of finding that special someone. Success isn't guaranteed of course, but at the very least you will feel better about yourself because you won't be inclined to believe that your failure to achieve this specific goal was all your fault. People are, unfortunately, hideously complex creatures, but with persistence and effort you will come to better understand what makes people tick, and that, in and of itself, is worth pursuing, even if at the end of it all you still end up single.

Whatever you do, don't do what I did. I waited far too long to appreciate the simple things in life, being full of resentment and bitterness because I wasn't "normal", I hated who I was (I still do to some extent), and because of this I ended up pushing people away from me. I didn't trust anyone, and I always looked for ulterior motives behind every effort to help, every offer of assistance. Don't end up becoming a grumpy old man with regrets.

 

[Bellatrix]

Have you thought about using the internet to find a relationship?

The problem with using the internet this way is that there are far, far too many scammers out there willing and ready to take advantage of anyone who even remotely looks like prey. They know what to say to someone, when, how, and will promise the world if that is what it takes to part their victim from their wallet (or bank details). Having a condition (A.S./autism) that makes it even more difficult for someone to notice insincerity just magnifies the problem. "Facebook" isn't to be trusted, and if you sign up to something like "eHarmony", it will just be a matter of time before you begin to receive emails from Russia and Nigeria.

The way I would go about it would be to force myself to become more socially available and active. For example, I now work as a volunteer at the local visitor information centre, where my primary task is to basically tell people where to go when they ask about the local attractions. I force myself to interact, even though it is uncomfortable, frightening, and counter to instinct (which is to hide at home). At first I didn't think I could handle it, but I've now being doing it for 2 years, and, as hard as this may be for me to believe, I actually now understand the silly jokes and banter that NT's like to engage in. I understand their jokes, sarcasm, small talk... One of the people I work with is even what I would call "an extreme NT", and we get along perfectly. I actually get along with most of the more prominent people in town, because I visit their shops all the time, and tune into the local news. I'm even starting to notice flirtatious behaviour!

Anyway, that's my 2 cents.

(Now please pay up, I want my 2 cents)

 

[mw2530]

The way I would go about it would be to force myself to become more socially available and active. For example, I now work as a volunteer at the local visitor information centre, where my primary task is to basically tell people where to go when they ask about the local attractions. I force myself to interact, even though it is uncomfortable, frightening, and counter to instinct (which is to hide at home).

I give you props to taking ownership and trying to improve things for yourself. It sounds like you are making improvements by putting yourself out there more often. Good for you.

Another challenge for me is that my job requires me to work a lot for the next 3 months - 65 hours per week or so. So I am working with limited amount of time and energy. I don't like making excuses, but things like this make it difficult to maintain much hope. I guess we all have our own obstacles to work through.

 

[xudo]

The problem with using the internet this way is that there are far, far too many scammers out there willing and ready to take advantage of anyone who even remotely looks like prey. They know what to say to someone, when, how, and will promise the world if that is what it takes to part their victim from their wallet (or bank details). Having a condition (A.S./autism) that makes it even more difficult for someone to notice insincerity just magnifies the problem. "Facebook" isn't to be trusted, and if you sign up to something like "eHarmony", it will just be a matter of time before you begin to receive emails from Russia and Nigeria.

Ahhh yeah, I didn't think about that. I'm lucky in that because we met on MySpace, and kinda before internet dating became such a huge thing, I've not had any experience of how many terrible people there are on those websites.

mw2530 You have my respect for pushing yourself to interact with people in your job.

 

[mw2530]

This is depressing. Why are any of us allowing something like Asperger's Syndrome/autism to dictate the course of our lives, and allow it to ruin it? Something needs to be done about this malady, because if the above is truly typical of those who are not neurotypical, then autism needs to be (like ISIS) completely eradicated from the face of this Earth. 29 and never had sex or a girlfriend. That is just SO wrong. What a waste of a life.

You're right, I do sound like I am 80 years old. The funny thing is my 90+ year old grandmother has more of a social life than me. I don't feel that my entire life has been a waste, but I did make it sound that way because I was in an extra terrible mood when I wrote it. But a good chunk of my life has been spent suffering greatly. And most of the time I wasn't even aware of my suffering. I've had a lot of success in some areas of my life which is why it took me so long to see that I have such inferior skills in other areas of life. Since, I was near the top of my class in school, it didn't occur to me that I didn't know what I was doing socially. I went a long time with the thinking that success in one small area of life meant that success would be very easy in all areas of life.

 

[Alcyon]

I give you props to taking ownership and trying to improve things for yourself. It sounds like you are making improvements by putting yourself out there more often. Good for you.

Another challenge for me is that my job requires me to work a lot for the next 3 months - 65 hours per week or so. So I am working with limited amount of time and energy. I don't like making excuses, but things like this make it difficult to maintain much hope. I guess we all have our own obstacles to work through.

65 hours a week!? You're not making excuses; been there, and that makes a social life all but impossible. Don't be too hard on yourself for the next three months.

 

[LillBeanSprout]

I've been the top of my class since my first day at scholl. Straight A's. I had no friends but loved to learn. Same thing in college. Looking at some of my colleagues (nowadays you can find anyone in social media) I don't feel envy because I never craved the life they have and looking at their pics and comments gives me the feeling their lives are a big masquerade 'cause they all stab each other's backs. That's not the world I want for me, no thanks. I don't feel my age 'cause I don't look my age. I look the same as I was in my 20's (it's odd, I know). So I don't care if I'm almost 40 nor I feel I miss what others had or have. I never wanted the same for myself. I'm not alone though. I am with the most wonderful man in the world, who was once my best and only friend. Go figure...
And although there were crappy times in school when people made fun of me, epic embarrassing moments throughout my adult life and everything now seams to be falling apart, I wouldn't trade it because every choice was mine, even if I didn't always get things right.
I am ok not being the popular blonde funny cheerleader. I'm the wallflower. But wallflowers are smart and trusthworthy.

Running sounds a great way to meet a real fit person to me. Let me see: you have a topic for conversation and you can always extend the chat with a rightful drink under the pretext of replenishing fluids, after the workout.
Best luck, hang in there. You're not a beautiful and unique snowflake. Snowflakes melt and vanish. You're you.

 

[mw2530]

I've been the top of my class since my first day at scholl. Straight A's. I had no friends but loved to learn. Same thing in college. Looking at some of my colleagues (nowadays you can find anyone in social media) I don't feel envy because I never craved the life they have and looking at their pics and comments gives me the feeling their lives are a big masquerade 'cause they all stab each other's backs. That's not the world I want for me, no thanks. I don't feel my age 'cause I don't look my age. I look the same as I was in my 20's (it's odd, I know). So I don't care if I'm almost 40 nor I feel I miss what others had or have. I never wanted the same for myself. I'm not alone though. I am with the most wonderful man in the world, who was once my best and only friend. Go figure...
And although there were crappy times in school when people made fun of me, epic embarrassing moments throughout my adult life and everything now seams to be falling apart, I wouldn't trade it because every choice was mine, even if I didn't always get things right.
I am ok not being the popular blonde funny cheerleader. I'm the wallflower. But wallflowers are smart and trusthworthy.

Running sounds a great way to meet a real fit person to me. Let me see: you have a topic for conversation and you can always extend the chat with a rightful drink under the pretext of replenishing fluids, after the workout.
Best luck, hang in there. You're not a beautiful and unique snowflake. Snowflakes melt and vanish. You're you.

Thanks for the encouragement. I need any hope that I can get right now. I'm glad that you have created a decent life for yourself and that you seem to have made peace with your past. I agree with you that I don't want to live the life many people have. They all seem to be on a treadmill to nowhere. They work too much to the detriment of their own health in order to buy useless junk. And their friendships are cheap. I have trouble with loving and accepting myself which is probably the first barrier I need to knock down in order to have a better life. This is such a difficult thing when you don't have much social or emotional support. There are other major obstacles like a job that is demanding and stressful and zaps most of my mental energy.

 

[megacomic]

I grew up with a neglectful drug addicted single mom and it always felt like I was just predisposed for a life of loneliness and social rejection. I'll be 26 in a week and I have few close friends and I haven't been on a date or met a girl that actually likes me in five years. I really do everything to try and make friends. I don't know what to do women want you to be nice but not too nice and when I'm just being myself I'm "cold' "aloof" and "unapproachable". It's really hard to navigate the game of dating especially as an Aspie as modern dating is a series of mind games and manipulation two things we're not known to excel at. The women who are straightforward with me are my married friends who tell me how handsome and charming I am because they are already taken and there is no risked involved in their forwardness. It actually makes me feel worse when they say these things because then I realize how many great women I missed out on. And whenever I talk to girl who is single I always get rejected.

All my buddies are in serious relationships or married and I'm at the point where my family has questioned my sexuality. As Charlie Brown says "I CAN'T STAND IT I JUST CAN'T STAND IT" I feel so defective and powerless. I'm really good and fixing things but the fact that I can't fix myself is depressing. So I know how you feel. But I just started going to the gym after being a skinny geek my whole life and I'm starting to feel a little better about myself. I would say avoid online dating though, it is soul crushing to Aspie men.

 

[mw2530]

I grew up with a neglectful drug addicted single mom and it always felt like I was just predisposed for a life of loneliness and social rejection. I'll be 26 in a week and I have few close friends and I haven't been on a date or met a girl that actually likes me in five years. I really do everything to try and make friends. I don't know what to do women want you to be nice but not too nice and when I'm just being myself I'm "cold' "aloof" and "unapproachable". It's really hard to navigate the game of dating especially as an Aspie as modern dating is a series of mind games and manipulation two things we're not known to excel at. The women who are straightforward with me are my married friends who tell me how handsome and charming I am because they are already taken and there is no risked involved in their forwardness. It actually makes me feel worse when they say these things because then I realize how many great women I missed out on. And whenever I talk to girl who is single I always get rejected.

All my buddies are in serious relationships or married and I'm at the point where my family has questioned my sexuality. As Charlie Brown says "I CAN'T STAND IT I JUST CAN'T STAND IT" I feel so defective and powerless. I'm really good and fixing things but the fact that I can't fix myself is depressing. So I know how you feel. But I just started going to the gym after being a skinny geek my whole life and I'm starting to feel a little better about myself. I would say avoid online dating though, it is soul crushing to Aspie men.

Sorry to hear about your difficult upbringing and the pain you have experienced. My parents were overprotective so while they had good intentions, they did me a disservice in the long run b/c I never learned to interact with the world or make small decisions when I was younger. So when I got older and had to start making bigger decisions for myself and started having responsibilities, I struggled. They are both have aspergers or autism as well so they have had their own struggles to say the least.

As for the internet dating, I agree with you. It is definitely demoralizing. One would think it would be easier for someone with aspergers since there is less social interaction, but for some reason I've had little to no success. Why do you think it is so hopeless? Do you think women can see right through that we have aspergers based on our photos? I struggle to find photos to put in my profile since I have so few of them especially ones taken with friends.

 

[megacomic]

Sorry to hear about your difficult upbringing and the pain you have experienced. My parents were overprotective so while they had good intentions, they did me a disservice in the long run b/c I never learned to interact with the world or make small decisions when I was younger. So when I got older and had to start making bigger decisions for myself and started having responsibilities, I struggled. They are both have aspergers or autism as well so they have had their own struggles to say the least.

As for the internet dating, I agree with you. It is definitely demoralizing. One would think it would be easier for someone with aspergers since there is less social interaction, but for some reason I've had little to no success. Why do you think it is so hopeless? Do you think women can see right through that we have aspergers based on our photos? I struggle to find photos to put in my profile since I have so few of them especially ones taken with friends.

Most people assume I'm just a socially awkward NT unless I tell them otherwise so I don't think it has much to do with our photos but more so to do with the fact that women online judge men more harshly than in real life. Since there so many men online and so few women an average looking woman can have a full inbox in about 3 days and an average looking man can be on the site for 3 months and not have a single visit. There is also what I call the princess syndrome effect, that inhabits women in online dating sites. Even the terribly undesirable, perpetually single and desperate women believe that they can get a man who is everything they want. Ie, financially stable, physically attractive, reasonably intelligent, kind, etc. Therefore, they can't bring themselves to reach out to anyone who falls short of these expectations.

Unfortunately for us Aspies this means in order to be noticed we have send out and clever and intricate messages every time and there is only like a 0.5% chance a woman will respond. So it becomes exhausting really quickly. Online dating as an Aspie is pretty much on par with the lottery only the lottery is a lot less work. But try to have photos of you doing fun stuff it doesn't have to have your friends in it but I find a lot of success comes when you take a picture with a dog or some sort of animal.