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2 of my children suspected of being on the spectrum

So while dealing with the possibility that I may have AS, I now have had referrals made for two of my three children....

My eldest is 8 and I broached the subject of AS to her teacher as she pretty much ticked all the boxes (aside from speech and language development... She was an early and very good talker) so they agreed and have put in a referral for her.

Well I had a meeting with my 2yr olds nursery worker, who said he is phenomenal with numbers for his age and said she'd like to speak to someone to learn how to better help him further with this. (She also mentioned he doesn't like playing with other children and gets very upset when they get in his personal space) I had a letter through the door this morning telling me that a referral has been made to the Early Years SENCO for him.

So now I have 2 children potentially on the spectrum aswell as myself, and all this has come about in the space of a couple of months...

So much to take in!!
 
I understand, and I'm glad you're getting your children some help! I've always wondered why my two older children seemed so much harder than any other children I've seen and why I seem to not be able to handle having children. I thought I was just being a big baby. My 8 year old has sensory processing disorder and my almost 7 year old has level 2 ASD. So far, the baby has seemed the most neurotypical and so much easier. It's hard to believe that the words 'possible autism' were uttered not even 12 months ago in regard to my daughter. 12 months ago, I had no idea what autism was. It's been a wild ride and it's been hard to take in. Those first couple months are pretty intense! Since my daughter's diagnosis, she has been much happier and allowed to be more herself instead of shoved into acting more "normal" which is what everyone was trying to do. Good luck with the whole process!
 
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I understand, and I'm glad you're getting your children some help! I've always wondered why my two older children seemed so much harder than any other children I've seen and why I seem to not be able to handle having children. I thought I was just being a big baby. My 8 year old has sensory processing disorder and my almost 7 year old has level 2 ASD. So far, the baby has seemed the most neurotypical and so much easier. It's hard to believe that the words 'possible autism' were uttered not even 12 months ago in regard to my daughter. 12 months ago, I had no idea what autism was. It's been a wild ride and it's been hard to take in. Those first couple months are pretty intense! Since my daughter's diagnosis, she has been much happier and allowed to be more herself instead of shoved into acting more "normal" which is what everyone was trying to do. Good luck with the whole process!

Thankyou LittleLemon!

I can't cope with parenting, I'm bloody awful at it... The reasons why are starting to become clearer now though!
 
Thankyou LittleLemon!

I can't cope with parenting, I'm bloody awful at it... The reasons why are starting to become clearer now though!

Self-awareness...the first step towards improving your life in as much as is possible. The most important thing is your own personal momentum. That you are moving, and in the right direction. Well donel! :)
 
Thankyou LittleLemon!

I can't cope with parenting, I'm bloody awful at it... The reasons why are starting to become clearer now though!

Me too!! Now that the reasons are becoming more clear for me, I'm starting to improve as a parent towards them. It's tough when my daughter and I are both rigid and inflexible, but at least I know what's going on and can try to adjust as much as I can.

I've found a lot of parenting articles I've read on ASD children are written more to neurotypical parents. You're supposed to keep calm, give choices, go through some sensory routines, etc. Ok, that's great and all, but what do you do if your own nervous system is going bonkers at the same time? I try, but it's sooo difficult and I feel like a failure.

I'm not sure if this is even related to asd or if it's just me, but do you ever feel like you can't parent in public (either out in stores or even around family?). I've noticed that when I'm at my inlaws and when the kids get really overwhelming, I have a hard time redirecting or disciplining. My husband has to step in or I have to take them into another room so I can get my words out to them in private. It's like I'm partially frozen and can't react in real time. At home, it's a completely different story.
 
Me too!! Now that the reasons are becoming more clear for me, I'm starting to improve as a parent towards them. It's tough when my daughter and I are both rigid and inflexible, but at least I know what's going on and can try to adjust as much as I can.

I've found a lot of parenting articles I've read on ASD children are written more to neurotypical parents. You're supposed to keep calm, give choices, go through some sensory routines, etc. Ok, that's great and all, but what do you do if your own nervous system is going bonkers at the same time? I try, but it's sooo difficult and I feel like a failure.

I'm not sure if this is even related to asd or if it's just me, but do you ever feel like you can't parent in public (either out in stores or even around family?). I've noticed that when I'm at my inlaws and when the kids get really overwhelming, I have a hard time redirecting or disciplining. My husband has to step in or I have to take them into another room so I can get my words out to them in private. It's like I'm partially frozen and can't react in real time. At home, it's a completely different story.

Me and my daughter are pretty much one and the same - we constantly clash and fight and argue, and although I know I'm the adult and I should control my reaction I literally can't do it.

Yeah I've heard all that too - keep your voice low and firm, give them a choice, you don't need to shout, they need boundaries but kindness yada yada yada... great, but that doesn't work for me because I can't control my emotional responses to their behaviour.

Yes! I get so overwhelmed I just go blank. I get anxious and sweaty and panic if they misbehave in public because I don't know what to do and people stare
 
Personally, I need to watch it with my Aspie son. He is constantly disobedient and I try to enforce discipline with stern voice, posture, etc., but I am getting the impression that he is afraid of me, as he generally prefers his mom over me. She is easier on him though. I get attacked for not being affectionate enough, but how do you get affectionate with an aloof kid? I do not have these issues with my daughter at all. She takes readily to me. She does have her issues though. Tell her what she cannot have or do and you'll have a fit throwing drama queen thrashing around on the floor!
 
Me and my daughter are pretty much one and the same - we constantly clash and fight and argue, and although I know I'm the adult and I should control my reaction I literally can't do it.

Excessive arguing. A classic Aspie trait. One I know well. :oops:
 
Me and my daughter are pretty much one and the same - we constantly clash and fight and argue, and although I know I'm the adult and I should control my reaction I literally can't do it.

Yeah I've heard all that too - keep your voice low and firm, give them a choice, you don't need to shout, they need boundaries but kindness yada yada yada... great, but that doesn't work for me because I can't control my emotional responses to their behaviour.

Yes! I get so overwhelmed I just go blank. I get anxious and sweaty and panic if they misbehave in public because I don't know what to do and people stare

The stares are so hard which is why we rarely go anywhere. I've wondered if my inlaws think I do nothing with my kids and let my husband do all the work because that's all they see.

Thanks for all your posts. It's such a nice feeling to know that someone else out there is going through something similar and can REALLY get it.
 
The stares are so hard which is why we rarely go anywhere. I've wondered if my inlaws think I do nothing with my kids and let my husband do all the work because that's all they see.

Thanks for all your posts. It's such a nice feeling to know that someone else out there is going through something similar and can REALLY get it.

You are welcome and agreed, I'm pleased someone else actually understands me rather than assuming I'm just lazy or over dramatic!
 
If it's any consolation, I think most parents feel like failures at some point. I never had children myself, and have always resented it, feeling cheated out of a basic feminine experience and feeling I've missed a milestone. For a Christian who's supposed to trust God and believe all things work together for good, it was doubly difficult to deal with; it just never made sense.
My grandmother died of a stroke at 63 after suffering from heart trouble all her life and having 6 children against medical advice; then my mum died at 71 of heart disease, again after having 3 children against medical advice (plus me, I was her first, and that was when she was told not to have any more children), and suddenly, it made sense - it was to prolong my life; admittedly, both relatives smoked and I don't, and I did factor that in; but even so, it was the only thing that made any sense.
I now realise that although that may well be part of it, my condition is more likely to be the reason - if only I'd known sooner, I still wouldn't have liked it, but at least I'd have taken it with better grace.
The perfect parent doesn't exist, but the fact that you feel like a failure means you're doing a good job - at worst, you're doing the best you can with what you know. And what you know is now more than it was; so with knowledge and support at your disposal, you're in a better position to be a good parent than you were before.
 
If it's any consolation, I think most parents feel like failures at some point. I never had children myself, and have always resented it, feeling cheated out of a basic feminine experience and feeling I've missed a milestone. For a Christian who's supposed to trust God and believe all things work together for good, it was doubly difficult to deal with; it just never made sense.
My grandmother died of a stroke at 63 after suffering from heart trouble all her life and having 6 children against medical advice; then my mum died at 71 of heart disease, again after having 3 children against medical advice (plus me, I was her first, and that was when she was told not to have any more children), and suddenly, it made sense - it was to prolong my life; admittedly, both relatives smoked and I don't, and I did factor that in; but even so, it was the only thing that made any sense.
I now realise that although that may well be part of it, my condition is more likely to be the reason - if only I'd known sooner, I still wouldn't have liked it, but at least I'd have taken it with better grace.
The perfect parent doesn't exist, but the fact that you feel like a failure means you're doing a good job - at worst, you're doing the best you can with what you know. And what you know is now more than it was; so with knowledge and support at your disposal, you're in a better position to be a good parent than you were before.

Thankyou Katherine :)
 
So while dealing with the possibility that I may have AS, I now have had referrals made for two of my three children....

My eldest is 8 and I broached the subject of AS to her teacher as she pretty much ticked all the boxes (aside from speech and language development... She was an early and very good talker) so they agreed and have put in a referral for her.

I thought Asperger's Syndrome (I have Asperger's Syndrome) included the "little professor" checkbox where one would talk as if they were much older. In fact I remember my classmates looking at me funny and asking what some words meant. This often puzzled me.
 
Be clear and literal. Saying "a glass of water sounds nice right about now" did not register as a request for my as a child. I was more than happy to get a glass of water for my mother, but she would need to say "Richie could you please get me a glass of water."

Formal language is comforting. Not being the best with non-verbal communication (reading body language) we tend to overcompensate with polite titles and such. It makes me uncomfortable when someone does not want to be called sir or ma'am.
 
I thought Asperger's Syndrome (I have Asperger's Syndrome) included the "little professor" checkbox where one would talk as if they were much older. In fact I remember my classmates looking at me funny and asking what some words meant. This often puzzled me.

Correct. It's always been cited as the key difference between AS (little professor) & ASD (language delay).
 
That reminds me of a quote I recently read, "one rarely will see the promise of a man inside a boy, but one almost always sees the threat of a women in a girl". "And that threat is usually not hollow"


QUOTE="midlife aspie, post: 346121, member: 14725"]Personally, I need to watch it with my Aspie son. He is constantly disobedient and I try to enforce discipline with stern voice, posture, etc., but I am getting the impression that he is afraid of me, as he generally prefers his mom over me. She is easier on him though. I get attacked for not being affectionate enough, but how do you get affectionate with an aloof kid? I do not have these issues with my daughter at all. She takes readily to me. She does have her issues though. Tell her what she cannot have or do and you'll have a fit throwing drama queen thrashing around on the floor![/QUOTE]
 
Since my daughter's diagnosis, she has been much happier and allowed to be more herself instead of shoved into acting more "normal" which is what everyone was trying to do.

I find it extraordinarily sad that a kid needs a diagnosis in order to be "allowed" to be themselves to begin with. The fact that people, by default, want to shove everyone into the same stupid box speaks volumes about our society, and not in a good way. :(

I've found a lot of parenting articles I've read on ASD children are written more to neurotypical parents. You're supposed to keep calm, give choices, go through some sensory routines, etc. Ok, that's great and all, but what do you do if your own nervous system is going bonkers at the same time? I try, but it's sooo difficult and I feel like a failure.

The advice is still sound for AS/D parents, and I've found that forcing my voice to stay calm also helps me cope with the situation when it does escalate to that point. If all else fails, I tag-team with my husband, because in the moment, it's generally a "good cop, bad cop" type of thing and the first responding parent is the "bad cop" to my son. By letting one of us be the "bad guy" for the escalation part, it makes my son be more receptive to the other parent.

That said, I've found the best way to deal with those situations is to preempt them. I've found there are a number of ways to do this.

My son and I have probably about a 75% overlap in what sensory input overstimulates us, so I've learned to trust my own senses, and if I feel like I'm getting overwhelmed by the environment, I bring up those concerns and I try to be mindful about what, exactly, is causing that, so I can find ways to either adapt the environment or give my son adaptations. In situations where I can't control the environment and his physical coping tools aren't adequate, I can go in prepared to have to deal with a meltdown, either by planning a way to break away for a while so he can get a break, or making sure we're not in that environment for too long.

I've also learned to watch for his pre-meltdown, "I'm getting overstimulated" cues. Since his big sensory overload sense is hearing, he'll often start folding his ear into his ear canal, basically in an attempt to block out the sound. That's the cue to get him to a quiet place, or at the least, get him headphones to block out the sound. By catching the signs of a meltdown before it happens, it saves both him and me from the nervous system explosion that often happens in that situation.

We've also taught him that his bedroom is his safe place, where he can go when he needs some time to chill, and we'll respect that. It's painted a very dark blue, and has a curtain on the one window, so it stays pretty dark even in the day time. Sometimes, we'll have him go to his room when he already starts into the meltdown, but we've done our best to make sure he realizes that it's not punishment, because I refuse to punish him for melting down (if he gets to the point that he's destroying things, that's a bit different, but it's largely a matter of "these are the consequences of your actions here, so let's try to avoid getting to this point"). Likewise, we've worked with his school and the after school program to ensure he has a quiet place to retreat to for a little bit. At school, it's the intervention specialist's room and at the after school program, it's just a spare room that's generally unoccupied. It's been working phenomenally well, and when he starts getting overwhelmed, he simply goes to that room for about 20 minutes, and then he's ready to rejoin the main group.

Personally, I need to watch it with my Aspie son. He is constantly disobedient and I try to enforce discipline with stern voice, posture, etc., but I am getting the impression that he is afraid of me, as he generally prefers his mom over me. She is easier on him though. I get attacked for not being affectionate enough, but how do you get affectionate with an aloof kid? I do not have these issues with my daughter at all. She takes readily to me. She does have her issues though. Tell her what she cannot have or do and you'll have a fit throwing drama queen thrashing around on the floor!

How do you be affectionate with an aloof kid? Realize that affection doesn't have to mean hugs and kisses. Affection can be sharing in what he likes to do, or just listening to him talk about his special interest.

For example, my son is big into Pokemon right now. He can name a good chunk of at least the original couple of sets and is greatly enjoying the card game. So, we play a round or two with him each night (which is easier now that we have a couple of decks for a little variety), and he absolutely loves it.

If you're doing stuff like that, the haters can go pound sand.

As for the discipline, I think the stuff above this quote will be helpful for you, too.
 
@ksheehan88 ,

You are here, that puts you ahead of most individuals as to understanding yourself and being able to understand the needs of your children.
 

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