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Entry 1

So, this is my first entry in a blog of any type in a very long time. I'm not that used to places like this, or talking to other people with similar issues so if I offend someone by accident, I apologise.

I have always been able to speak easier with people who were at least five years older and younger than myself but never in my age range. Among other reasons, I always felt they were foolish hormone driven idiots (and in a way that hasn't changed I just facepalm less now) and couldn't understand why they didn't apply themselves harder. My family members are usually 7 years older than me on average and only in the last seven to ten years was another generation born between the 3 years difference between myself and younger second cousins.

This is probably why I have one to two physical (offline) friends nearby and the rest online. Because I have so few loved ones and people who try to understand me, I am fiercely loyal and protective of them. I've mellowed out on the protection since my younger days but some things you can't take back.

As strange as it may sound, I did some terrible things in order to protect them, others, and myself during our school days. I was often bullied, abused and the like but I didn't really care unless one of my friends was hurt or affected in any way. While I never hurt anyone physically (aside from the few times I punched, bit, or slapped people who cornered me), I damaged their reputstions, relationships and the like by listening and then telling the right person indirectly about the information. No one pays attention to people like me when they weren't harassing me so I was able to learn some pretty damaging things.

For example: at one of the buildings I went to during high school, there was a quiet teacher/student relationship going on (and I wandered nearby it happening after school let out after forgetting something). Now, normally I would have ignored it but the student bullied my best friend (of now eleven years) who simply liked to draw and be left alone. Among other things, the student ruined my friends drawing books and work assignments. There were several people who were gossipmongers in all my school's so it wasn't that hard to find one who truly kept the rumors origin unknown, so I told them who, what, where, when and so on and let the rumor mill do the work.

I am not a good person, but it helped others by doing so.

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Author
Kouzai
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